Author Topic: Playing Into Their Hands  (Read 1270 times)

gratitude28

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Playing Into Their Hands
« on: January 18, 2007, 09:25:52 PM »
Storm led me to this site and there couldn't be a more perfect description of my relationship (before, thank God) with my mother.

Emotional abuse sets up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship.) This never works because the problem is not the victim; the abusive behavior is the problem. Nothing you do will change that. No matter how nice and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive person's behavior. In fact, many people get even more aggressive when you try to make it better, because they sense that you think it's your fault, and this confirms their own beliefs!

It can be very hard to not fall into the role of being "good girl" or "good boy" when someone is emotionally abusing you, but it's important to avoid that.



The more I tried to make things right, the more I was sneered at. I tried to make the world right after a while. It is dizzying when you think you have to make the entire world happy.

((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

seastorm

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Re: Playing Into Their Hands
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2007, 11:51:16 PM »
This is such a great description of what happened in my relationship too. Very hard to interupt this trend once it starts happening. I hope I don't ever do that again. It will take me quite a while to build up my strength. I realize I am exhausted from 4 years of trying to please my N.

I think I started to dissiociate in order to cope with the abuse and so it got worse and worse.

Thanks for that info.

Sea storm

axa

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Re: Playing Into Their Hands
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2007, 12:53:15 AM »
been there too.  I kept trying to modify my behaviour in the hope that it would make things ok.  The more I conformed the worse it got until I was usually left with my mouth open the demands got so crazy.  I realised after some time that my very existence was a problem.  I think that his outpouring of abuse onto me allowed him act like a "normal person" when he was around others.  I am reminded of an addict having to get his release by discharging his rage onto me.

Oh boy it just was sooooooooooo crazy.

axa

seastorm

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Re: Playing Into Their Hands
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2007, 02:16:03 AM »
I came back to this site and I realize that this is incredibly important. That quote describes a dynamic that can absorb or suck in even the most bright, intelligent, capable person. The N learns to calculate the distance requiired to intimidate the partner into scrambling to get into their good graces. It becomes like a cat and moiuse game that someone who gets off on power really enjoys.
I wish I knew how power corrupts a love relationship. I don't want to ge with someone who does this. I don't want to do it to others. Once my N learned that I would try harder if he distanced himself , it bought out a sadistic part of himself.  In the end he would do things like expect me to allow him to go off and have an affair, saying " A good marriage can withstand an affair".  Luckily, there was enough of me left that I just rebelled and started freaking out and yelling at him. I couldn't stand his presence and I knew there were so many lies that there was nothing of value left. For some obscure reason N thought it was ok to lie. I let a lot of lies just slip by me after awhile. As his personality started to disintegrate, he started to lie compulsively about nearly everything. He would compulsively say that he was going to do something and then he would not do it.  It was incredibly crazy making. I realize that he was devaluing me and setting up things so that I would explode.  His little denigrations were incessant. For intstance, he would say, " that kitty litter stinks!!!". He was commenting on my housekeeping while expecting me to jump up and clean it out. It was unthinkable for him to do it.
I guess the real question is what sets a person up to be dominated in this sick way? Why be so afraid of abandonment that I would put up with it?
It seems cruel of mother nature to give a child a mother who is an N and then doom that child to repeating the abuse by choosing a partner who re enacts the drama.

Sea storm

Gaining Strength

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Re: Playing Into Their Hands
« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2007, 09:05:45 AM »
The more I tried to make things right, the more I was sneered at. I tried to make the world right after a while.

The more I tried to make things right, the more desparate I became and the more resentful I was that things didn't get right.

Just now I am seeing how in my sesparation I was giving my power away.

the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems
This single sentence describes me and my struggles succinctly. The analogise I have used with my therapist are being stuck in mud and accelerating trying to get out (only to get stuck deeper) and a meter that stalls out because the effort being measured it off the chart (synonomous with counterproductive.)

Thanks gratitude.  I am suddenly seeing myself with such clarity and withoutcondemnation.  That is such a gift and such a longed for progress.  I am definitely on my way out of darkness and your post has shone a light on that for me.  Much gratitude to you. - Gaining Strength