Examples of Boundary Violations

[Gaining Strength]

Today is my father's birthday.  My brother arranged a dinner at a local restaurant for my father.  The plan is for my brothers and me and our families to have dinner with my father.  Today my mother asked what my son and I were doing for dinner.  When I told her she invited herself.  I said I would have to check and find out if that is OK.  One brother was speechless when I called him and the other brother thought it unreasonable for her to invite herself.  But no one is in the middle like I am.  Before I could get back to her she called to tell me that she bought a birthday card for my father. (So what.)

She has ZERO boundaries.  This is all about the fact that she doesn't want to be alone and she doesn't want to be left out.  It doesn't' even occur to her that it is inappropriate for her to go much less invite herself.  Nor does it occur to her that her request puts me in a very difficult position.  But what is new or surprising about any of this? - GS

I know some of you have much better stories than this  - please share.  This is the one I am stuck with tonight but it is just a portal into the big violations that I am trying to get a handle on.

[Leah]

Oh GS,

I note your mother phoned you, and not your brother to invite herself along!!

The key fact here is that it was your brother who arranged the dinner for your father's birthday, and, therefore, regarding etiquette your mother needs to phone your brother for an invite. 

If it were me (she says boldly sitting on the outside looking in) then I would phone mother, and gently but firmly, say that she needs to phone her son, your brother, directly regarding her attendance at the dinner, as he has arranged the evening.

The birthday card could be mailed.

It really is inappropriate for her to attend, and will most likely create unnecessary tension for everyone.

Is there still time to phone her and highlight the dilemma that you are now placed in?

Love & a Hug,

Leah

[Overcomer]

Well, my mom just called and asked us to dinner (I had anticipated dinner at 5......................well, we ate and she called at 6:30 and we are down for the count - jammies, watching TV.....) so I politely declined.  Then she called back five minutes later and said, "Do you think it would be a good idea if you shared the things we learned in a conference call tomorrow morning with the staff?"  Yes, mom (NO, I DON'T WANT TO FRIGGEN DO THAT BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR IDEA) I'd be happy to share.  Should have said, "No, mom, it is obvious that you want to share it..............."

[Overcomer]

Lack of boundaries - me - I should have said no.  Lack of boundaries - her - putting her agenda on me.

[Bones]

Lack of boundaries - me - I should have said no.  Lack of boundaries - her - putting her agenda on me.

It is aggravating when others repeatedly attempt to violate our boundaries.  In a couple of other threads, I've mentioned that I am in recovery plus have dealt with an individual who appears to REFUSE to respect anyone's boundaries.  When I was about five years sober, this one particular individual, (who had previously attempted to pressure me to convert to Catholicism) attempted to interfere with my 12-Step Program.  In her own mind, SHE had all the PERFECT answers for me and if I did it HER way, I would be just fine!  She got told to keep her nose out of my Program and go attend Al-Anon!  (She's an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.)  She proudly announced that she does NOT need Al-Anon because SHE does NOT have a problem!  That's when I reminded her, more bluntly, that her nose ends where my business begins.  She continued to attempt to invade my boundaries again and she got told, even more bluntly, BACK OFF, BUTT OUT and SHUT UP!  She doesn't bother me any more and she has distanced herself.  (Thank you, Lord!)

Bones