OK, this is messing around with my head...

[JayBailey]

..We go to see Nmom in the nursing home yesterday afternoon.

Due at my bro's for dinner but not sure when as he hasn't answered the phone.  She urges us to go round his place and check things out.  Just as we're leaving, he calls, says to give them half an hour.  Fair enough.

I call my mom back en route there to say we've found him.  NOW she's like 'So you'll be coming back later?'  Well...no, because by the time dinner's over she will have turned in for the night anyway.  'Oh, so you'll be coming round tomorrow morning then?'  Well, no...she KNOWS we have to leave early for the drive home.  'Oh...I thought you'd at least come back and see me before you go.'  (In tone of almost betrayed disappointment.)

Bro & SIL, on hearing this, are like well, she hasn't seen you in nearly a month so that's why she's getting at you, BUT you can't keep rushing round everywhere at her say-so.  And it's not like she gives signs of wanting to see or talk to anyone very much when you're there.

We call her from theirs and she's like 'You're NOT coming back in the morning?  No, you won't have time, will you.'  Perfectly sweetly.  Like nothing had happened.

Wait, it gets freakier.  We left this morning, got back, called her and she's like 'Oh, B & SIL came in...They were surprised you didn't come to see me last night or this morning, but I wasn't really expecting you to.'

Hello?

My husband was like 'If they're going to say one thing to our faces and another behind our backs, that's it, I'm not going there again...'

I try to explain.  It's not the first time something close to this has happened and we've ended up blaming someone, anyone to deflect things from her. But sometimes I wonder where I stand.  Like I'm paranoid enough that I sometimes think people ARE saying two different things.

Tell me I'm not nuts, that this is the usual N divide-and-rule thing.  The weekend was going almost tolerably until all this cropped up.  Dohhhh...

[Leah]

Oh Jay, my heart truly goes out to you, sounds very much like my own experiences over the years - past! 

Mind games, divide and rule, cutting you up with words inflicted to create a guilt trip, and hurt.

Boundary in your mind now to stop this seeping into your heart and soul.

Oh I know it's easy to say and not so easy to do, but it's the only way to stay sane! 

Retain why they do this and let go of this experience as quickly as you can, for your own self's sake.

They will go about their day to day routine, whilst you churn it over and over.

Please don't let them.

Love & a Hug,

Leah xx

[Hopalong]

Hi Jay,
Same instinct here.
My NishMom does lie (not in her mind,I think).
One thing she often distorts is what "other people" have said or what their motives are.

Your mom was clearly trying to make you feel guilty. Each time.

Not having evidence that she'd succeeded (you didn't rush over there this morning to plead your eagerness to be with her)...she "went passive-aggressive", imo, and sent you the message that your SIBLING also disapproved of your "neglect."

Ring a bell? I woudln't bother going there, if you have a decent relationship with the sibling. Your mother might be playing you both like chimes.

Try disregarding her when she triangulates, and listening to your own instincts about your sibling.

What happens when you tune into that?

Hops

[Overcomer]

Oh boy!!  But the thing that is so bad is you are worried about it.  Why oh why do those Ns have that power over us?  I lament so often because of the mixed messages and guilt I feel, too.  Just drop her a nice note and tell her how you enjoyed seeing her.  Totally ignore all the guilt throwing and passive aggressiveness.  My tactic lately is to act perplexed when they say something twisted.  Then respond with an oblivious, "Isn't that nice."  Nothing against blonde people but I act the dumb blonde.....and I am not dumb nor blonde but it is fun to in a weird way say DUH???  It throws them off!!

Welcome!!

Kell

[JayBailey]

Thanks, all.

See, Hopalong, that's the thing...I THINK the sib relationship is OK - sometimes I think it's better than I thought - but there's been so much negative comparison in my direction over the years (male...possibly some other women with Nmoms will get the full implications of that...older therefore 'adult' where I am still clearly a kid even though I'm thirtysomething, got kids therefore ditto, better off, more 'conventional' lifestyle - which BTW it sounds like he's really fed up with sometimes! - etc etc.).  Meaning, sometimes it's hard for me not to be worrying about what he & his are 'really' thinking, being suspicious of him as a possible competitor.  I know that's the N poison at work - isn't it terrible?  (Also, I sometimes thank God I don't have sisters.  I can only imagine what the comparisons would have been like then - there have been plenty more with any other female in the vicinity anyway.)

The plot thickens as I now find I have a note from the SIL (who NEVER normally writes) asking that we visit more often.  Thing is, I strongly suspect not all the sentiments in it are hers.   There is heartstring-tugging (and she's not into emotional blackmail if I know her) and a suggestion that maybe it's really my significant other who's not keen on visiting, and that I could visit on my own.

Now that, from past experience, has GOT to be the Nmom talking, to whom any decision I made that didn't please her couldn't actually be my own, but had to have been made under the influence of someone else...I was always so easily influenced by the wrong people, of course!  (Um, no, I just happened to think differently from you.  Sorry to burst your bubble.) And who also has a nasty tendency to see me still as a solitary unit and conveniently shut out the fact that I'm someone's wife...a tendency I want to discourage as far as possible.

I think speaking independently to the people concerned and finding out what HAS been said in our absence is the only way to get any kind of clarity on this one.  I shall let you know if there's any further progress...and just when I thought I was going to have a nice quiet week!

[Hopalong]

Hey JB,

There's a radical alternative, and I really think it'd be healthy to try.

What about this:

DON'T try to get behind the scenes or inside the brains of either your mom or your siblings. Take what they say to you at face value. IOW, ignore triangulating no matter which angle you are.

Your sister's note? You could reply disregarding whether it might have been "planted" by Nmom:

"How nice. I'd like to see more of you too. How about we get together _____ and do ____, etc."

How would that feel? Can you imagine it as a great liberation?

Taken me years to learn this, but it's really NOMB what other people are thinking. And I get closer to people if I don't try to sleuth and guess.

Other thing, of course, is to get stronger self-esteem so you don't obsess and worry over other people's opinions. Relatives or not.

Hops