Some conflict resolution strategies
· Begin conflict communication with "I" statements that reflect how you feel. The " I am feeling" statements create a group process where individuals feelings are out front. For example, here are two ways to say the same thing: "I need to have the bathrooms be larger so I can play my Tuba in the bathtub" and "The bathrooms you guys designed are too small." In the first sentence, the individual is expressing her needs, which can then be discussed and worked around. In the second sentence the individual could be construed as criticizing others, who may react defensively, and it is unclear what the individual needs are.
· Learn to identify what is needed by another person and learn how to gracefully ask another person to define what they need.
· A very key question in working with conflicts is "why?". Why do you feel so strongly about this? Why are you shouting? Why do you have such angst over this issue? Why do you think that way? Learn to ask for clarification when an issue becomes a conflict.
· In a consensus process where one person is blocking, have that person choose a "clearness committee" of people either within, or from outside the group. The purpose of this small group is to support and help the member or members clarify why they feel as they do about the issue. The members in the clearness committee just listen, or encourage the person to speak by asking supportive and clarifying questions. It is very important to understand that the goal of this process is not to change the opinion or feelings of the blocking individual but to clarify the reasons and thinking of the blocking individual. The result can be that once the reasons for the block are clarified, the community has more options for dealing with it. Sometimes in this way consensus can be reached, sometimes the blocking position is strengthened and consensus is not reachable.
· Having someone within the group who is trained in mediation skills, or hiring an outside trained mediator can be very useful. The group will need to decide how mediation is to be handled and under what circumstances it will be used. Setting up conflict mediation early is important, so that a plan can be in place should a major conflict occur. Having an outside opinion can do wonders for a stuck process.
· Determine whether the disagreement is over facts or the respective feelings about the facts. Ask questions to discover the underlying assumptions, values, and attitudes. Separate feelings from facts by using the phrases like: "To me", "in my opinion", "it appears to me". When people feel intensely about issues it is important to ask them: "Why do you feel so strongly about this?" Keep asking that until the real issues emerge. Often the real issues are buried and the current issue in dispute is only the carrier for feelings left unexpressed.
· Don't make it personal. If you disagree about an idea or concept frame the discussion around the idea, not the person. Say: " I don't agree with that idea", not, "your idea is stupid".
· Try reversing the roles. Agree to argue the other side for 15 minutes and then express the other viewpoint as persuasively as you can. This can be an effective way of keeping a single issue conflict from escalating into a larger conflict. If you do this with integrity you will find that, amazingly enough, the other side has some validity.
· Is it really an either/ or issue? Put both sides away and brainstorm other ideas. Often conflicts come because of boxed thinking, the participants believe that there is only a limited solution. Conflict occurs when people believe there is only one way. Break through happens when people discover there is a third way, a fourth way, a fifth way.
· Do a trial solution. Lets try this for 3 weeks and evaluate it. Often a group must make decisions without adequate knowlege or experience. Doing a trail solution and then evaluating the results can often result in future changes and also can reassure reluctant participants, since the decision is not permanent.
· Do a deliberate defocusing by temporarily adjourning the meeting for two hours. Let people go get food, relax in the sun, gather in small groups to talk or walk in the woods. If time concerns make a two hour break not possible, take a five minute silent thinking break where the goal is just to quietly reflect on the issue. Often this sort of change of atmosphere helps people think through an issue and come up with ideas for resolution
· If people get visibly mad, stop the discussion. If you can't discuss the issue without anger you need mediation. Get professional arbitration help early in a conflict where real visible anger is present. If people get visibly angry, and if you take a "time-out" meeting adjournment, make the time-out last at least one hour, and two hours is better. The hormones that anger releases take at least 90 minutes to dissipate and these hormones will not let the body be calm, no matter what.
· Create a special group meeting environment where members can argue, disagree, yell, cry, stomp around, get mad, hug, or whatever it takes. Part of the sense of community is feeling safe enough to let real feelings out; these kinds of expressions, as uncomfortable as they may be to some, will help the community to grow.
· If you are arguing about details or specifics, back up a step to a bigger concept. Sometimes people who won’t agree about the details can agree on a concept or goal. Then the details can be sorted and placed in relationship to the agreed upon concept or goal. It is often a good idea to define and agree on goals first, then try and find agreement on details that support the goal.
· Rather than try to find the right answer, throw out the bad answers, the things you agree won’t work. This might narrow the focus and also bring out something you hadn’t thought of before.
· Watch for you or the group putting someone in a untenable dominant position. Some people are leaders and take action, while others wait and follow. If a leader oversteps their authority it might not be all their fault, expecially if a group lets them take leadership in the first place.
