First Breakthrough in Therapy

[steve]

Hello All:

I have been in therapy now for 5 weeks and today I had my first breakthrough. I am not deceiving myself in thinking that I am finally free but it does feel good. It has given me a new sense of freedom and has made me feel more powerful. I just thought I would share with you my experience in the chance that it might help others.

Background: Adult child of a narcissistic who has suffered from always trying to please my father at the expense of my life. The details are not important because we all have similar stories. In between sessions I have been doing my own reading and this last week I read "Drama of the Gifted Child". Great insights can be gained from this book, but don't rush it. So what was my breakthrough?

Today, I realized that I do not need for my father to acknowledge his mistakes. I think deep down I was hoping for him to say sorry. Something along the following lines would have sufficed: "Steve, I know you are having problems and I see that you are suffering. I just want you to know that if I did anything that caused you this pain, then I am truly sorry. Perhaps I haven't been the best father and I did not know how to parent. I just feel that I may have caused you some harm, and if I did, again I am sorry."

My breakthrough was realizing that I was hoping for something that would never happen. I now realize that I do not need him to acknowledge his mistakes. It is MORE than enough that I accept his mistakes and no longer feel like I am at fault. Now I have accepted the fact that he has caused me harm and that i will never get that acknowledgment from him. But I am more powerful because no longer do I need him to validate me. It is infinitely more important that I acknowledge it myself.

The pitiful aspect of this entire process is that even if he decided today to make that apology it would mean nothing. I have moved beyond it and he has lost another opportunity to act like a loving human being. But that is his problem. I feel great!!!

Steve

[Lupita]

I hear you, Steve. Same here. I've given up, or finally accepted my reality. I am trying to love my mom, because despite that she totally disregarded my feelings all my life, she gave me food and home.

[Hopalong]

Wow, Steve. Bravo.

It is MORE than enough that I accept his mistakes and no longer feel like I am at fault. Now I have accepted the fact that he has caused me harm and that i will never get that acknowledgment from him. But I am more powerful because no longer do I need him

And Lupita? Great job making friends with reality. That is so liberating.

Hops

[WRITE]

realizing that I was hoping for something that would never happen. I now realize that I do not need him to acknowledge his mistakes. It is MORE than enough that I accept his mistakes and no longer feel like I am at fault.

awesome. Good for you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[axa]

Great stuff Steve,

I have a sense of something similiar also with XN.......

axa

[SilverLining]

My breakthrough was realizing that I was hoping for something that would never happen. I now realize that I do not need him to acknowledge his mistakes. It is MORE than enough that I accept his mistakes and no longer feel like I am at fault. Now I have accepted the fact that he has caused me harm and that i will never get that acknowledgment from him. But I am more powerful because no longer do I need him to validate me. It is infinitely more important that I acknowledge it myself.

The pitiful aspect of this entire process is that even if he decided today to make that apology it would mean nothing. I have moved beyond it and he has lost another opportunity to act like a loving human being. But that is his problem. I feel great!!!

Steve

Hi Steve.  I think it's an excellent realization.  I can tell you from my experience even if you get the acknowledgement, it doesn't necessarily help.  My autistic/n father once sent me letter apologizing for his behavior during my early years.   Maybe it was well intentioned, but he never changed the way he operated in face to face interaction. In his case communication by letter is a symptom of the problem.   And I have discovered if I take this sort of apology at face value, I just get sucked back in and end up providing more "supply". 

When you get beyond needing or wanting external validation, then it won't phase you whatever happens. 




   

[daylily guest]

Hi Steve:

I'm so happy for you.  You've made so much progress in a short time.

Just one small word of caution, from someone who has been there.  Don't be afraid or down on yourself when it seems like today's realization is hard to find.  Therapy is a journey, and occasionally there are setbacks.  That doesn't mean your progress is anything less than real and important, it just means that it takes a little time for you to know in your heart what you have realized in your head.

When the victories come, they are very sweet, and they do, over time, gain weight and permanence.  They become the reality for which you've waited so long.

I don't know you, but I'm proud of you.  You've done something so important for yourself.  Exult in it.

All my best,
daylily

[teartracks]

Hi Steve,

You rock! 

Isn't it amazing how similar many of our stories are? 

I read the book and benefited. 

I'm glad you found a good therapist.

teartracks

[axa]

Tj,

I think the more we recognise and acknowledge that we were nothing other than supply the more objective we can become about the N.  Sometimes I think of myself as an "it" to him.  The "it" had something he wanted and when the "it" stopped producing the goods it was discarded.  Sometimes depersonalizing my place in his life helps me understand his behaviour.  It also makes me aware of I meant nothing in terms of being human to him. 

In my living room I have a coffee table which I need to move.  When I bang my foot off the coffee table I do not feel sorry for it, only for myself.  I am hurt.  I find this a useful analogy with regard to XN when the why did he......  come into my head.  He did what he did because I was his "coffee table" Not sure where I am going with this but just wanted to say it.  Something about knowing you are only supply

axaa