Sea
I re read your post again and it just touched me to the core of my heart.
The overt madness started in my life with XN on 14th December 2006. I spent the next months screaming until my throat was raw from the pain that was in me. I could not stop crying. I lost about 35lbs weight. I could not eat, I could not sleep I could not think. I believe I went into some zone whereby all I could feel was the rawness of the pain. I would drink pints of water and smoke cigarettes it was all I could manage. I had what I thought was a family, which I loved very much, XN and daughter, and it turned out that they were not who I thought they were. It was as if my "family" had been replaced by aliens. I thought I would go mad. I thought of suicide, anything to stop the pain. I became ill, I could not concentrate on anything. I was desperate for everything to be ok. I would have done anything to have things back ok again.
Time passed, I stayed with him, listened to his lies, games etc and slowly I began to see what I was dealing with. When all the charm fell away I realised he saw the pain I was in and he did not care. In fact he provoked me, set me up, and then cut the legs from under me. It was a game. I observed him, listened to him, at times got into the game with him and lost my cool around him but I saw what was going on and knew that all the pain I had suffered had been intentional. It was as if he had set up his torture chamber and choose his tools. On 14th DEcember 2007 I dumped him. Took me a long time, but no more tears. i did my grieving in the relationship and felt freedom and relief when I threw him out. I thought I would die after him, I truely did but I felt alive for the first time in such a long time.
I made a list which still is on my wall, I rarely read it now as the detachment process moves along. Sea, make a list of the truth of your relationship with him. I posted my list here at some stage, all the abuse etc and the final sentance............ And he loved me. The pain you are feeling are your wounds and also if you are anything like me you are probably in shock. In ten years time, you will barely remember him other than recall the creep who swindled and abused you. It is all about detaching and healing. Be gentle with yourself. Cry out every tear, scream every name you can think of to call him, get physical, though you wont feel like doing that. You must give your head a break from the replaying of the madness, Sleep. I could not sleep proplerly until recently. Sleep and one day you will wake up and he will NOT be the first thing on your mind.
Can I be so bold as to suggest you have had a lucky escape. you are in charge of your life now not him. You can make a good life for yourself though I know that does not seem possible but you can. Spend as much time as you can getting your grief and anger out. I started seeing my T twice a week and spent a lot of time doing things which allowed my pain out.
I so feel for you but I survived it, you will, it will be slow and painful but you will live.
hugs,
axa
