Chronic complaining personality traits

[poetprose]

Hello all

I was wonderng if chronic complaining was a typical N trait,  I know that both my hubby and his dad are chronic complainers, and sometimes it really gets to me......   it is like no matter what good thing happens they have to drag it down to the gutter, find fault with something.........  it is to the point i dont even enjoy going to restraunts any more because he will find something to bitch and complain about.....

I also notice that both he and his dad "awfullize" - they exagerate something 100 times worse than what it is....... do you think it is a type of sabotage? 

and if you are happy* it is like they wont let you???

[cats paw]

Hi Poetprose,
 
   I was just talking to a couple of people about this yesterday.  I asked them what they thought the difference was with certain people, because we all need someone to hear our complaints sometimes.  They said with certain people, it's because it's ALWAYS about them.
   As far as chronic complaining, I think it depends on the person and what's going on in their life.  Not long ago a minister had the idea for people in his congegation to not complain, wear a bracelet, and then start over when they complained.  They then had a psychologist on that said sometimes certain people might need to complain because it helps them feel better.  This was all in one of those tiny blurbs on the news, so they did not mention cognitive therapy, depression, etc.
 
   I guess with your hubby and his dad, what purpose do you think it serves in their life, and what can you do to have that inner shield?  I struggle with that with my mother, and it's usually because I feel guilt- and I think the guilt happens so automatically that I don't even catch it when it happens.  I hope to do better with that, because I know no one can fix her life or prevent her from dying. 

  cats paw

[Gaining Strength]

It was as a young adult that my brother pointed out to me the culture of negativism that my father lived in.  How could I have not noticed it?  Perhaps it was the water in my fish tank.  The criticism and judgement that pours out of him is extraordinary, the reasons something will fail are 100 to the 1 why it won't.

But I do so clearly see that this astonishing judgement and negativism comes directly from his parents and it so desparately destroyed his life.  It is that very force that I am battling in my own life.  That is clearly one of the things that left me friendless - too much negativity about everything.  Now I have been able to turn it around about other people and about things in the world.  My big job is to turn it around about myself.  I am so very negative and judgemental about myself.  The chronic complaining is a hallmark of true N behavior in my limited experience. - GS

[camper]

I call this "bashing".  My H listens to talk radio.  They constantly bash people, make them out to be idiots.  I can't stand listening to it.  Often when I am in the car with H, I have to.  I want to open the door and jump out.  He justified this talk as I recently asked him how he can listen to that.  Something about needing to know what is going on in the world and standing up for what's right...he went on and on and in his intelligent style, lost me.  He always goes on and on about liberals.  If he is talking to someone and they bring up an issue, my H will become an expert and go on and on bashing the issue.  You can't do anything but agree he is so passionate.  I usually exit the conversation/group of people.  I cannot listen to it.

This complaining serves to elevate the complainer.  No one knows as much as they do, how dare someone have a different opinion, they are Mr. Know-it-all.  I have noticed my H's dad is really bad...The furnace guy came to fix the furnace and didn't get it right.  So my FIL called him a nasty profane name.  I couldn't believe it.  The guy came at night, drove an hour to help them, and that's what the poor guy gets?  Basically, my FIL told us all what an idiot the guy was.  My MIL stood up for the furnace guy, made excuses.  I told my therapist that I see myself falling into his parents trap...I am not going to go through life bailing out my H, jumping in a saving my boys from their dad's twisted thinking and lack of listening and understanding.  I am sick of pointing out the good in people that he has bashed.  I end up getting defensive for these poor people and I have no clue half the time if they are worth it.  I just hate listening to them be unfairly bashed.  So glad I learned the concept of defining people from the outside in.  My H doesn't even give them a chance.

Does all this make sense?  I know that complaining is an N trait.

MK

[poetprose]

I was just talking to a couple of people about this yesterday.  I asked them what they thought the difference was with certain people, because we all need someone to hear our complaints sometimes.  They said with certain people, it's because it's ALWAYS about them.
   As far as chronic complaining, I think it depends on the person and what's going on in their life.  Not long ago a minister had the idea for people in his congegation to not complain, wear a bracelet, and then start over when they complained.  They then had a psychologist on that said sometimes certain people might need to complain because it helps them feel better.  This was all in one of those tiny blurbs on the news, so they did not mention cognitive therapy, depression, etc.
 
   I guess with your hubby and his dad, what purpose do you think it serves in their life, and what can you do to have that inner shield?  I struggle with that with my mother, and it's usually because I feel guilt- and I think the guilt happens so automatically that I don't even catch it when it happens.  I hope to do better with that, because I know no one can fix her life or prevent her from dying. 


Well the thing with both of them is that this negative chronic complaining is not a "situational thing", even when my hubby and I took a cruise on the Carribean, something new something exciting we both were looking forward to it........ HE STILL!! looked for things to complain about, to be miserable about...... after awhile it wears you down, and his dad has been this way for as long as I have known him

both my hubby and his dad can not have friends*... they don't have any because nobody can live up to them, and my father inlaw can not get along with any of his neighbors he fights with every one of them....

so i honestly think it goes beyong a situational thing more into a personality disorder type thing

[poetprose]

Poetprose,

>>>>>>Yeah, I think their self-centeredness is behind the constant complaining.  Narcissists are so wrapped up in themselves, that everything negative that happens is a personal affront.  If you notice, they think that most drivers are on the road just to ruin their day and make them late!  The exagerrating is probably just their perspective on how important the incident is in the grand scheme of the universe.  <<<<<<

oh boy I could write a book on how angry my husband gets at drivers who do the exact same thing on the road that he himself does but denies it*  lol

>>>>I think anybody can fall into the habit of chronic complaining.  They don't necessarily have to be an N.  I think it can be a habit, rather than a preoccupation with oneself.  Some people just say whatever is going through their mind at the moment, and some people have a lot of negative stuff going through their mind.  <<<<<<<

Good point I never considered it to be a bad habbit that they both have not come to realise.... they both will deny that they are chronic complainers and unhappy people

>>>>If you watch, an N will also exagerate good things too.  Anything having to do with them is bigger than life.  Their good ideas, their business plans.  The universe is holding its breath, waiting for the next event in N's life--good or bad.  <<<<

Oh yes!!!!!  whatever my husband buys, and if he tells his dad...... it ALWAYS becomes a competition between them, I have never seen such competition going on between the sons for the dads appraisal...... and of course the dad (father inlaw), is too arrogant to allow any of his sons to have anything on the same level as him.........it really is sad to me... it is like 2 little boys fighting for daddys attention

CB

[poetprose]

But I do so clearly see that this astonishing judgement and negativism comes directly from his parents and it so desparately destroyed his life.  It is that very force that I am battling in my own life.  That is clearly one of the things that left me friendless - too much negativity about everything.  Now I have been able to turn it around about other people and about things in the world.  My big job is to turn it around about myself.  I am so very negative and judgemental about myself.  The chronic complaining is a hallmark of true N behavior in my limited experience. - GS

I remember one day being so fed up, with the ongoing complaining about the neighbors , then the kids then this then that.... that i just threw my T-towel down and in a very convicted voice turned to my hubby and said....... .

  "You can take away my  rights you can takeaway  my fight.......but you will NEVER take my poem"!!!!!!  ( because it comes from within ) then i started singing    lol  have no idea why

[poetprose]

This complaining serves to elevate the complainer.  No one knows as much as they do, how dare someone have a different opinion, they are Mr. Know-it-all.  I have noticed my H's dad is really bad...The furnace guy came to fix the furnace and didn't get it right.  So my FIL called him a nasty profane name.  I couldn't believe it.  The guy came at night, drove an hour to help them, and that's what the poor guy gets?  Basically, my FIL told us all what an idiot the guy was.  My MIL stood up for the furnace guy, made excuses.  I told my therapist that I see myself falling into his parents trap...I am not going to go through life bailing out my H, jumping in a saving my boys from their dad's twisted thinking and lack of listening and understanding.  I am sick of pointing out the good in people that he has bashed.  I end up getting defensive for these poor people and I have no clue half the time if they are worth it.  I just hate listening to them be unfairly bashed.  So glad I learned the concept of defining people from the outside in.  My H doesn't even give them a chance.

Does all this make sense?  I know that complaining is an N trait.


Oh boy Can I relate..... i have felt the exact same way "sick of defending the innocent from them", you and i will be defending for the rest of our lives............

what bugs me too is that my hubby does see his dad for who he is.......... he is embarresed to take him to restraunts, or the bank or grocery shopping because he flips out and starts screaming at the workers........... YET!! my hubby cant see he is that he has become the very thing that he hates in his dad  " a miserably spirited man"


I think they need to be visisted by 3 ghosts ))

[reallyME]

Complaining drives me nuts, even in myself...that's why I'm on Antidepressants.  N's ARE chronic complainers for sure.

Everything you say or do is taken as a personal assault and it's very aggravating, cause you know you didn't intend it against anyone, but the N assumes like a trigger reflex reaction, that you are "out to get them" just like "everyone else."

Personally, it drives me nuts to a point that I just would rather steer clear entirely and usually, I'm able to, thank God.

~Laura

[poetprose]

Complaining drives me nuts, even in myself...that's why I'm on Antidepressants.  N's ARE chronic complainers for sure.

Everything you say or do is taken as a personal assault and it's very aggravating, cause you know you didn't intend it against anyone, but the N assumes like a trigger reflex reaction, that you are "out to get them" just like "everyone else."

Personally, it drives me nuts to a point that I just would rather steer clear entirely and usually, I'm able to, thank God.

~Laura

It is deffently hard to cope with at times, it tugs on your spirit and your mind.........i dont think it is natural for anyone to be so miserable inside.........

[reallyME]

My husband has watched, over the years, as many of my friends would launch into complaining sessions or saying they just want to die...his reply, "If they are that unhappy, hand them a gun!"

I used to think "HOW EVIL!"  and well, there is still THAT, about his attitude toward these people, but, honestly, if the point is, "if you are so miserable, why not just not be here" I can understand the logic of that feeling.

What IS the point of constantly being depressed, unhappy, angry, jealous, resentful in your life (barring a severe, painful thing like Cancer or something like that)  I have come to realize at 40 years old, and through all the crud I've endured in my days, just how much of a "vapor" life actually is on this planet.  THrough that realization, I have also begun to respect it more and get more from it.

IF whatever you are doing is not bringing you happiness, and you are able to, STOP DOING IT!  Change and do something different.  Now, this will take something that many people are not comfortable with...it's called RISK, STEPPING OUT OF THE BOX.  If you never do anything new or different though, how will you know what's out there?

I'm an adventurer and I love the adventure called love and life!  Live it to the FULLEST!

~Laura

[poetprose]

Yeah, I understand, coming from a place where  I have lost so much,  my mother my sister and my father, i guess it has given me a deeper appreciation of life and just how tangable it really is

maybe that is why I get so frustrated with those who have "much" to be greatful for, yet complain and whine it all away....

but on the flip side of the coin, how can i expect them to have my appreciation for life when they have not had that "awakening" to the fact that life is so temporal that you can be here one day and gone the next....

[DivineSunshine]

This is soooo much "on the money" as far as my N is concerned.  He never stops complaining!  If he isn't doing it out loud it is in his mood and gestures and look.  He is unhappy with everyone and everything.  How dare they ask him to act like a human being???

I heard recently because these people think they are ENTITLED to have everything go their way, and when it does not, of course, as any normal person knows it can't/won't, they can't handle it.  And want everyone's sympathy.  And pity.  More supply for them right?

My NH  also makes fun of everyone, even his closest friends and family.  Anyone is fair game.  Except for his dear mommy as long as she is still feeding his Nisms.  I never could believe how mean he was when I first started dating him and he would point people out and make fun of them while we drove in the car.   And of course be angry at the way THEY drive.  He can find fault with ANYTHING and ANYONE! And does so regularly.

I have had the furnace type experience mentioned above too many times.  I have been so embarrassed by his behavior this way over the years.  Nothing is done right, because only HE can do things right!  He actually gets mad when people ask to be paid for work they have done---he throws a fit---how DARE they ask him for fair payment for work done or services provided and if he decides he can't pay he will make something up to be mad about to refuse to pay.  But how dare they????  "Can't anyone just HELP HIM out for once???? "  "Why won't anyone just give HIM a break???"  Heard this just yesterday---we went on and on for 30 minutes about it.

I hate to go out with him anywhere too because he always complains about anything and everything and if by some miracle, the service is good and the food is good, then he seems to end up with a stomach ache to complain about all night---or that he ate too much and now is soooo uncomfortable! 
It's misery to be around him.

He will even call me up on the phone, not say "hi" and immediately go into a tirade about someone who made him mad during the day. The bank teller who ask him to give her the account number before she does a transaction, they grocery store clerk who is "rude"---anything.   Will go on and on and on, like I am some trash can for his emotions he can't control.  I have answered his phone calls to him swearing and yelling, but of course, it's NOT supposed to affect ME, he is only venting and I am too over sensitive and don't care about HIM if I say that it bothers me to be his whipping post.  He is nice to everyone, even the person who made him mad, (usually justified behavior on their part) and then lets loose on me.  Lucky me

Good grief, it is so exhausting!  I could go on, but considering this is on a thread about complaining too much.........

I put my ipod on on with my earphones just to shut him out a lot lately!  HA!  Thanks for the thread!

Take care, 

Sunny

[reallyME]

I heard recently because these people think they are ENTITLED to have everything go their way, and when it does not, of course, as any normal person knows it can't/won't, they can't handle it.  And want everyone's sympathy.  And pity.  More supply for them right?

Yep...They do feel Entitled.

The other thing is, they see people as their extentions or creations.  If you think about it, if someone created a robot and programmed it a certain way, they'd expect it to only do what they programmed into it, right?  Well, the N programs a child in that way, so when, as an adult, their offspring catches on and decides to actually do something other than what was programmed, the N gets FURIOUS and CONFUSED!  How is this ROBOT thinking for itself, it must ONLY do what I TELL it to.  Such is the mind of the typical pathological narcissist.

One more thing on the topic of what love is, and I will start a new thread to elaborate more on this: Love usually involves some sort of SACRIFICE.

To those of you with "parents" who were and are self-seeking, conceited, "all about me" that is NOT any form of LOVE.  I'm sorry to let you know, but it's just not.  Love is not self-seeking.  It involves meeting the needs of the other person.  Now, that's in balance...not to always put the other above self, but to be sure and pay attention to the needs, especially of a child.

~Laura

[mum]

IN his new book, "A New Earth", Ekhart Tolle talks about this. He explains it in terms of a "pain body" that needs to feed on more pain to sustain itself. Everyone has a pain body, but in some it is very strong and almost insatiable. The desire to see violence in entertainment, the search for bad news to read, the need to feel pain and extole it, the finding fault in everything, all of these behavoirs are driven by our pain bodies (sometimes collectively). Expressing pain, finding out what to do about it (if anything) and then moving on is one thing (healthy and human)....but focusing and seeking out the  "bad" simply feeds it.  He says that what passes for "normal" is actually quite insane (I agree with him on that one.)
The antidote? Awareness. If we step outside or the "egoic self" and really see what is going on....we can choose another way.
Anyway, it's a interesting book that I highly recommend.