funny that you mention Buxtehude; our church organist has been playing it for my edification after I commented I really like it and it's a style she plays superbly!
I play BAch preludes and fugues all the time, very orderly music, I love making emotion out of the almost mathematical precision.
You are right it is something cerebral & distracting I need right now.
I'd start dating but it's just a bit too messy until my papers are at least at court again....and to be honest I am not very casual about romantic attachment really, I can go out and have fun as a friend but not be romantic with someone I am not 'into'.
Sometimes I wonder how I get to be so out of step with the rest of our culture! Finally women ghet to sleep around with no strings or being judged and I don't want to
Church was strange first service, I won't take eucharist and I am very descreet but the minister drew a lot of attention to it and the sermon was about how important it is to the church!
I left feeling a bit stunned and wondering if it was personal etc so I went to see him before second service and asked if I was giving offence by being there and not taking part in rituals which are important to others. I told him it's really important to me not to hurt anyone by my presence. He just hadn't thought that there was a multi-faith aspect to what he was saying and his second sermon was much more thoughtful and much better, and I left feeling so much happier and glad I had gone to ask him what he meant rather than gone away taking it personally.
I really believe in Interfaith I think I've mentioned it before, and that it's important to share these things not create walls within walls....
Before I left I had a long chat with the guy shall we call him AL, because he's meant to be my anti-limerence and practice to stop obsessing about someone whilst simultaneously pushing him away. i have realised that is how I have coped as an adult with my sexuality somewhat- fantasy.
Anyway, Al was beign harassed by a young pretty choirgirl and I was able to watch as he expertly dealt with her without hurting her feelings but not encouraging her to hang around either, she seemed like she had a crush, and suddenly I realised why he is so careful about relationships. He's at work, and at church. He needs to be or he'll put himself in compromising positions or hurt someone's feelings by rejecting him.
The girl was so young and so obvious and I was so impressed at how well he dealt with that. It must be tempting to overreact and be cross sometimes.
He didn't mind me being there either, which is good, he was so self-conscious with me for months.
I suspect we will become good friends, our chats are lovely except where we try and approach each other then we go all weird and start arguing about trivia or being all embarassed or one of us runs away!
You would not believe how lacking in self-assurance I am about dating or love relationships, I almost panic, and he seems a bit the same. We are both seemingly confident and not.
I suppose it's all good practice for me, and the bipolar thing means I am perhaps more intense than other people, maybe I can work on that more.
But part of it as y'all heard me whining yesterday, I am so lost emotionally again now I won't be getting divorced for a few more weeks. It's zapping my energy. Ex seems so happy too....
I told y'all I was worried about money, well I'd volunteered to entertain one of the seniors groups at church, the lady came to meet me and we got on well, she asked if I need more work.
So there's a synchronicity going on back-stage even though I am chomping at the bit for my life to be moving on yesterday....
Idiot neighbours got drunk and kept waking me up with their in and out and drama, I opened the door to tell them off and their dog went nuts so I stayed inside. Guess that's another thing to deal with...
I can deal with thesee things I think, I just get overwhelmed I guess and panic or feel like there's no end to it all.
But underneath things are going well too.
Son is much happier. Got him signed up for 3 summer camps.
I have gained 2 pounds which isn't bad for a few weeks of inattention! I do exercise every day though, that makes a difference.
Money is tight but no debt and still a little in savings.
What did someone say recently 'all I have is all I need'.
I need to trust more.
