Izzy

[axa]

Hi Izzy,

Have not noticed you about .... you out there?

axa

[isittoolate]

Hi axa,
Thank you for my special thread.

I am here and have replied in a few places where the topic hits home.

I took a step back from my daughter and the emails as I found the 'exercise in futility' draining, dizzying, spinning, crazymaking, a catch-22. Since doing that I have been very calm-- it's like the NC with an N. That  makes me wonder since she was controlling the course of the emails.

I would like to send her an email and ask how SHE feels, as she did say that I was taking up all her temporal space and physical space.
I felt quite insulted with that.

I see the therapist today and as I write this I'm wondering what my complaints will be???  Is that fiunny or sad?

I believe I mentioned that I cannot relate to dealing with N parents, one or both, or divorcing an N/custody fights, or living with an N (as my experience is long over and just about forgotten, although likely one will  never truly forget)..........I suspect I must have my own story on certain topics to have a comparable response.

Love to all
Izzy

[isittoolate]

anybody there?

At Therpay today, I told her that when I was in the car accident I felt that I ought to have had some counselling, whatever, instead of laying there paralyzed and thinking my own thoughts, imagining scenarios that might or might not be in the future.

She was quite dismayed to hear that no one was there for me--a whole year!

One being that my daughter wouldn't love me anymore. If people think something for too long, it almost becomes a 'truth' to them, as this thought was to me. We can send out vibes, unknowingly, and the whole thing ends up being the truth.

i.e. Daughter does something wrong and I would take it the wrong way, that she didn't love me and not that she was just a 7-year old, 8-year old----whatever.

I am my own worst enemy!

love
Izzy

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((Iz))))))))))))))))))))

We have all done this to ourselves at times. Please don't beat yourself up. I am doing it now by thinking my mother doesn't contact me on purpose, when, in fact, I don't think she thinks about me at all. And when she does, it's about her - she never seems to entertain the thought that I am alone a lot here, take care of two kids, am moving across the world in a couple of weeks... I want her to realize she has been oblivious to me, but, frankly, my dear, she wouldn't give a shit.

I am glad you ahve realized your daughter was being controlling.
Yes, you probably did read a lot into her behavior. Maybe you were scared she wouldn't love you in your new state and rejected her to "beat her to it." You can't change that past. It was scary for you and her. It was life-changing. And someone whould have been there to guide you through it emotionally as well as physically.

Love you Iz.
Beth

[isittoolate]

Where did I post about the new owner of my Service Station who set my heart to a thumpity thumpity thump....??

I can be a bit slow now at spotting Ns but I was attracted to his ever so friendly eyes, -----then he was so friendly and helpful. I was outside the service bay, no appointmetn, and asked him, "My front headlamp is out.  Do I buy a new bulb or a new engine?"

He laughed and said a bulb and set about to look after me and answer all my questions.

After this was all over I said "This car is 17 years old. I love it and I just have blinders on about it! It's in such good shape to look at but..........what about other things.?"

Upon checking my mileage he said I could run this another 10 years-- just replace a part now and then and sure cheaper than a new car.

(I tank up about 4 times a year...that'll tell you how much I drive.)

After the fact,  I remembered that the N I left 5 years ago was my computer dealer with friendly eyse and twinkles like Peter Strauss--ever so friendly and doing what I needed---etc.

It all rang a bell--the "act" that maybe ALL of us put on at first meeting--like the hand shake-- plus the N looked  like a"bad guy" that women love and so does this guy at the Service Station.

Sure am glad I am too old for all that crap now.

Love
Izzy

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[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
  That devil is really cute. He has just the right expression, too .                                  Hugs    Ami

[isittoolate]

I am glad you ahve realized your daughter was being controlling.
Yes, you probably did read a lot into her behavior. Maybe you were scared she wouldn't love you in your new state and rejected her to "beat her to it." You can't change that past. It was scary for you and her. It was life-changing. And someone whould have been there to guide you through it emotionally as well as physically.

Love you Iz.
Beth

someone whould  I hope you meant someone Should!!
Thank you Beth

It is so difficult knowing how to react to things that happen in life. Even if it narrows down to my accident, and I couldn't accompany her into the water when she was little--well so be it. Maybe children aren't as resilient as I've heard. So I sat on the beach and never took my eyes off her. I was there and watching over her. and that applies to everything, BUT-- did I tell her? did she know? We cannot read one another's mind and I am accepting the blame for all that went wrong!

I won't be too hard on myself, not as I have been for all these years! I will try to lighten up!

Good Luck to you, Beth, in your moves and in your Life
Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Izz, I'm sooooooooo glad to hear you say this!

I am accepting the blame for all that went wrong!

I won't be too hard on myself, not as I have been for all these years! I will try to lighten up!

Don't you be mean to our pal Iz.

You are a good woman, a good human being, and you have been as good a mother as it was possible for you to be.
As your daughter matures (hey, I didn't get around to it until yesterday), she is going to understand that too.

love
Hops

[isittoolate]

----- Original Message -----
From: Izzy
To: Daughter
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2007 1:38 PM
Subject: HB-Matt

I know Matt's birthday is tomorrow. HB from me.
 
Please tell me how you feel when we are not corresponding.
 
Thanks
mom
=============================
----- Original Message -----
From: Daughter
To:Izzy
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2007 3:19 PM
Subject: Re: HB-Matt


I feel much better now, thanks.  It's been very stressful re-hashing all that stuff, and I find that I'm neither hovering around the computer waiting for the next installment of mail, nor dreading such mail.  I feel like things are getting back to normal.  I'm also not as angry or frustrated on a day-to-day basis either.
 
Things with matt are up and down.  I've had to threaten to send him to Gus' again, and this time, i hope he gets it.  He's promised to go to summer school to make up his English credit.  I'd like him to re-do his Geography by correspondence.  I"m considering homeschooling him in the fall semester.  He's being assessed by his psychologist for learning disabilities / attention disorders.  This is to rule these out, not because any of us think that he actually has these problems, but I've suspected that Gus has ADD ever since his niece susie was diagnosed (she called him to tell him that she thought he had it too).  If Matt has either of these, it could be behind his not getting to school.  Anyway, he goes in the afternoons now, and there's just this week left.
 
Mags is passing with fllying colours.  We went to Ottawa two weeks ago for a ball gown for her formal.  I'll send you a pic when she's in the full get-up. She looks beautiful.
How's work?
 
a.
===================================

Hi folks     
 
Daughter replied, as you can see and even talked about 2 of the kids. I am surprised! Then there was a 'thanks' stuck in there, and I am surprised!, And she asked about my work which is also a surprise! And now I await the fulfillment of a promise of a picture of my granddaughter in a formal gown. Daughter is not too good at remembering promises.
 
Now what--nothing personal and all superrficial? As long as she is not angry or critical I think I can take it and one day we might meet for lunch---fly 2000 miles to meet me for lunch? Well Strange things happen!

Love Izzy

[Hopalong]

I think that's awesome, Izz. She needs an emotional rest, that's all.
Even when we discover the deep primal work of emotional healing, that doesn't mean our family members are going to be eager for it too.

My D has a very tough time with emotional dialogue.
But then she'll respond to something neutral...

I think the subtext is, I care about you, and that's why I replied to you. Just please don't ask me to examine my guts for you right now. I'm drained.
That's what I think my D has said to me at times. Maybe your D has some similar feelings...

Let it be, just chat and also let there be times of quiet. I literally trained myself to just leave my D a friendly hello (no request for a call back) message every Sunday during a period when we were estranged. I left light and simple messages, and asked for nothing. I didn't ask her to respond. I just kept up calm, brief hi, just checking in, hope you're well, I've had a busy week, here's a funny thing the dog did, work's crazy, and I love you. Over time, as I showed her I could respect her new boundaries and stop pushing, she warmed again.

Hope that helps.
I'm happy for you that she answered. Your D reminds me a little bit of mine in that she was so literal when she answered your question.

And I'd say to let it rest a week...let it breathe.

Good GOING

Hops

[isittoolate]

Thanks Hops

I agree with your post.

When we were communicating, it became pretty tough, but I was given answers for 3 problem areas that I can now understand better.

There was one area about her that she didn't want to answer, and I think her answer ought to be, "You were right, Mom!" That would be difficult, VERY difficult. for her after 23 years.... and she might have the thought -----wrong though... that  I would say, "I told you so".. That hangs over us and I want to let it go!

My D has a very tough time with emotional dialogue.
But then she'll respond to something neutral..

Where or where do we learn to be able to have good emotional dialogue.....................???????

---and yet, see how she shared about Matt, who will be 15 tomorrow, June 13th?  She has NOT said a thing about this to me but I was told, by a family member, that at age 2, he was still not talking!!!!!!

She has told me in her own way that Maggie is graduating High School, and there will be a prom. (I went thru' that with daughter--buying the dress, the pictures, etc. I am beginning to think of my granddaughter as my daughter was 23 years ago!)

Now isn't that nice??

This is where I watch for the other shoe to drop!

(Time out for a medium pizza, pepperoni, gr peppers, mushrrooms and onions.)

Time will tell!

I will hope for the beest--no shoe dropping!

Love
Izzy

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

So glad to see you posting.  I miss you and always think of that damn bag over your head and how I laughed, laughed, laughed.  I sure did miss you.

Love
Deb

[isittoolate]

Hiya DEb,

Was so happy to make you chuckle.

I don't know if my posts are reflecting this, but my therapist is about through with me.

I am what I yam what I am.

Almost 50 years of therapy and I will never go to another because I am so insane no one can fix me, OR I am so 'perfect' no one can do it better.

I want  an unofficial letter from her.

love
Izzy




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[Ami]

dear Izzy,
   I don't get it. Is she telling you that she cannot help you any more or is that your opinion ?         
                                                                                      Hugs to you     Ami

[isittoolate]

Hi Ami

I was told that by a psychiatrist and now by her that they more or less follow this logic:

" It's easy to direct the tendencies of a child, but it's almost impossible to change the character of an adult once it's set.

I see this all over the Internet.
 
"Without treatment, a person with avoidant personality disorder may become resigned to a life of near isolation." AvPD diagnosed by a psychiatrist last year.

Well that's just a couple but I am who I am and have been for 68 years. What happened to me happened, and I cannot change those events.  Since most events were negative, I cannot assume positive thoughts about them. i.e. the car crash that disabled me is something with my memories, my thoughts and the physical results, paralysis, cannot be reversed.

And G_d was no help!

Love
Izzy