Not a new topic

[Hopalong]

Unfortunately, an old one. So old it's covered with moss and resembles an ancient Mayan ruin.

I am facing backed up paperwork and bill paying. Now it's my own and my mother's. I don't balance checkbooks, just write them. And things are now late because of mye

@#$%^&*()&^%$#@!#$%^&*()_*&^%$#@#$%&*I(&^%$#$%UIO(*&^%$#$%^&*I(&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*I&^%$%^&*(O*&^%$%^*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*$#$*()($#$%&*(*^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#%^&*(*^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$%^&* stupid phobic paralysis

I build up waves of depression and sleeplessness and helplessness and scared idiotic thoughts about finances and procrastinate and avoid and stay up watching TV until I'm so tired I can barely think in the mornings

This
is
not
an
acceptable
way
to
live

What I yearn for most is a companion to simply pick up papers with me, help me sort them and simiply and sensibly go through them, prioritize, and untangle. IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

Why the #$*()^%$#$*()*&^%@#*(O##$*$ do I make it so hard?

How many years' grace does a 57 year old get before not growing up in this area backfires?

#$%^&*(&^%$%*(&^%$ARGHH@#$^&*&%#@#&*&^$#@$&

The most important thing is, I guess, how to step out of paralysis?

It's the same way with daily exercise and eating right and going to sleep like an adult, etc.

Apologies for the colorful language but it did feel like the right track....
I am really angry with myself. And frustrated.

Hops

[boristfrog]

I got a free cd with a newspaper on deep relaxation with Paul McKenna. It makes me feel much better - calmer, less tense and my heads starts to feel less wolly.
I'm off to put it on in a moment - i should have done it first thing. The other day I couldn't get out of bed, so I put it on and 30 mins later felt like I could at least get dressed and walk to work.
I'm planning to listen to it more often - like every day, and maybe before bed if it's a bad day.

With paperwork I find it best to go and put yourself in the best frame of mind (see relaxation above) then write a list of stuff to do.
Next day start on item 1. Just do the first item. Then pat yourself on the back.
Next day start on item 2. etc
It's ok to add to the list - but it feels good to cross stuff off. If you didn't the list would only get longer anyways.

Then again, I'm not at work today - it's mid afternoon and I'm still in my pyjamas.
I'm off to have a bath with the relaxtion tape, really I am.

[Hopalong]

Ahhh thanks, Boris.

Y'all, I'm off to work shortly. Any messages just into the ozone layer that are about me moving forward with all this would be very very gratefully recieved, I hope, by The Big Accountant in the Sky on my behalf. Or by me. Or my dog.

I don't care who/what/where/why, I just realize I feel kind of desperate about this.

I am sure it has to do with the looming responsibility for my mother during her speeding-up decline, and my failures are legion...

Anyway, I don't really care what your responses are, I would just be grateful if you could send me energy. I am dragging every day and it feels like I'm wading through mud. (Yup, still taking my Rx for AD.)

Off to work. I'll be toting a bag of papers to touch during breaks if I can. I dunno. I've done it before and simply carried the bag around.

Help.

Hops

[tayana]

Hops,

I find the easiest way to do this is to take things one step at a time.  I'm also very guilty of not balancing checkbooks, although I can keep a running list of my spending in my head.  I find the easy way to do it is to put everything into related piles.  You know all things dealing with topic X in one pile, etc.  Then to tackle the piles one by one.  That way you can concentrate on one thing at a time.

T

[axa]

Sweet ol Hopsie,

I hear your frustration and anger.  It is a bummer that at this stage of our lives we do not have someone to support, encourgage or do stuff for us.  But this is how it is.  It is completely our responsibility.  I will not give you advice because you know what and how to do it but it seems like a mixture of tiredness, self sabotage etc is keeping you locked in this cycle.

Can I ask What is the pay off........... we know there always is one and usually it is negative.  You sound overwhelmed with the responsibility you have right now.  Wish I could pop over there and be all efficient and sort out your stuff......... very good at doing it for others, not so good at doing it for myself.  I have a nice pile of paperwork as well waiting.  I know part of my neglect around taking care of myself in this way is what would happen if everything was in order.  For me it would be fearful to have nothing to do, well I might get bored and that scares the pants off me.  This is an old strategy because the truth is I would find something else to do.  It is almost as if I need to have something negative hanging over my head.  I try and focus on the good feeling that comes when I tackle this stuff before I get down to it.  Being on here right now is a complete avoidance tactic so I do not have to settle into that dreaded reality.

Sending you all the best energy I can, and a few hugs thrown in

axa

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
   You seem to be having some "cry of the soul."I'm not sure what it is,but it might be the anguish of dreams and hopes that have died. It seems like you might be looking at your life and wondering"HOW did I get here---- alone and taking care of my mother.  There must be so much emptional baggage with your mother .Also. your relationship with  your D has been disappointing.
   Maybe you are feeling really alone- emotionally and physically.
   I would think that you might be dealing with very"unacceptable" feelings about your mother. Own these feelings as just feelings. I am sure that most people in your sitaution would have them.
   My good friend  who is caretaking her mother has joked on two occasions about her mother "falling down the stairs" or drowning on the bathtub.
 Hops, no one likes to face emotions like these. However if you had an N mom and now have to take care of her, I would think that you would have them.
   You might simply be saying,"How after all my hopes and dreams did I end up with my hopes and dreams dashed?
   I am sitting here drinking coffee with a hand towel over my mouth (instead of a paper bag) so I can stop this dizziness. My H is in the next room. I have been betrayed by all my family except my dead Grandmother.
  I was a girl with spunk,, and promise. HOW did I end up here?
   I am with you. If I overstepped my bounds,forgive me. I "heard" this between the lines                Love    Ami

[Lupita]

I pay my electricity bill late every single month for no reason. I have paid about 3 dollars a month in penalties ofr many years. If you multiply 3 by 12 by ten it would be 360 dollars that I gave away in a moment that my economy is not well. Why do I do it? I do not know.
Hope that if at least does nto give you consolation at least will make you feel that you are not alone.
 My love to you.
I have a CD "You can Do it" filled with anergy. You can get it in the internet. Listen to it once a day and makes you feel better.

God bless you Hops!!!!

My energy goes to you!!!!  

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))HOPALONG(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[pennyplant]

Hi Hopsy,

One of my most important beliefs is this:  If the same thing keeps happening over and over again, there must be a good reason for it.  In order for it to change, you have to discover the real reason for it.  Then you work on the reason, or the source, of the recurring behaviors in order to change them if you want to change them.

The clues I would work on that I got from your post are 1. the part about not having anyone to do this with you or for you and 2. the part about your mother and her decline.  Those seem to me to be important enough issues to cause a problem of this sort in your day to day life.  Actually, issues like these drive people to drink and other very severe coping mechanisms.

While I can't really identify with the paperwork and check book issues (I haven't balanced my checkbook in 6 years and have no plans to ever do so.  Each month I check to see if I have any fees, and that there is not a zero balance, then I put the statement away.)  My paperwork is done once in awhile but in general I have little piles all over the place.  I don't necessarily like it but I live with it.

My own paralysis has to do with not making progress in my job and not making new friends easily.  My hope is that as I work on resurrecting my soul, I will then have a direction and the energy to be more active towards breaking my particular paralysis.

Anyway, I'm leaning toward what Ami has said here about what might be going on with you.

Wish I could offer some helpful advice, but I guess that's kind of an individual thing, what action you should take.  It will depend on what you think the basic source of the problem is.

Love, Pennyplant

[debkor]

Hops, 


Sorry cable modem broke and I thought I would lose my mind.  Just got back on line.

Hoppy,

If that is all that is your weak spot and everyone has them. Then Thank God for you.  Not a big deal Hoppy.
Don't be so hard on yourself.  You know your weak spot and work on it.  Come on hoppy!! Cut yourself a break.
Look at all the things you can and do!  How many people could do that? Or would do that?

Your a good Egg!!

Love
Deb

[isittoolate]

Hey Hops

What are the papers--newspapers--huge ones--or

When you first mentioned this, I thought it was just your bills.

When it comes to bills, mine happen to arrive about the first of the month, so along with the rent, I write them all at once, post-dating cheques when necessary (why let them have my money sooner than necessary?) and I Force myself to stamp and 'return address' them at the same time. All set to go and out in the mail, next time I go out and done!

So remind me what these papers are?

Thanks
cheers
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - Sounds like you have received a lot of excellent advice from many of your friends.  As I have something of the same struggle as you I have found that I have tried much of what has been suggested to no avail.  I have begun to get insight into the enormity of the anxiety that accompanies my dealing with paperwork.  Until recently I have been completely oblivious that I experienced any anxiety over these issues.

Now that I recognize it I do have tools to deal with it.  Without question the only way I can face these issues is to set a goal of one particular task - say a specific number of pieces of mail - and then first tackle anxiety first.  I have been using both CBT and physically calming things including magnesium or aromatherapy - lavender.  I have been on line researching calming techniques. I have purchased a varienty of things from the health food store and am trying them all.  I am finding some success and am believing for more.  I am convinced that changing my attitude behind this whole issue is fundamentally the key but if I can get some relief from the physical effects of the, heretofore, unconscious anxiety that would help me change my thoughts about these issues tat have plagued me for so long.  I believe that you can make these changes also.

My personal favorite books on changing my thought patterns are The Mind, The Brain by Dr. Jeffery Schwartz and The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer.

If you look back at my history here it is filled with similar struggles as the one you post here.  I see similar patterns with my mother and my father though each of them covered it up in very different ways.  I began looking into the whole issue of hoarding which is something of a misnomer.  I am interested in the concept of "dis" order rather than amassing.  But the information about the causes and treatment of hoarding simply fit for me the only difference is the degree.  That is how I began to see that anxiety is at the root of my problem.  For several years now I have attributed it to ADD but that didn't help me do anything about it.  Now that I identify anxiety I can work on calming first and changing my thought patterns second.  And it is working.

I know that you will find the key to overcoming this issue.  I believe that for you.  You are determined and that will carry you far.  The next step is to believe you will overcome it.  Believing is the key.  I'm rooting for you - your friend - Gaining Strength

[lighter]

I identify with everything you've said.  Don't beat yourself up, DO something about improving your ability to function.

I went out and bought office supplies and set up paperflow systems so I have some order, where there was once just chaos and piles and God help me if I needed something that wasn't ON TOP of the pile.  I sabotaged myself and beating myself up did nothing to improve my circumstances.

Buying folders and setting up a neat space to keep everyting where I could find it and put it till I could deal with it helped.  Having a trash can there where I open mail helped.  I throw out everything I don't need and I used to keep so much, just in case.  It all goes in the trash now.  I still have a couple places where I tuck things but it's better if I just open a new file and keep everything in once place.  The piles get out of hand so quickly, best to not let them build up at all.

Also, if you're like me, you also have some executive function skill deficits, and it comes accross as procrastination.  In any case,  it will continue to be overwhelming until you put some kind of managable sysetem in place. 

I always do better if I have someone there with me helping me stay focused and running things between us so I don't have to re do anything.  Two heads are better than one and all that.  Ask an organzied friend to help you figure this out.  Have them look over your space, make a plan and go to the office supply with you.  It feels so good when you have things in order.  It also feels good to have some clear counterspace to work on and a schedule you can follow so you don't fall behind. 

Get into the habit of making a special cup of comfort, I take mine with whipped cream, and then eat that elephant in little bites as it comes in, on a weekly or monthly basis.  You're smart enough to bend your mind to the task.  You just may need a little help focusing and following through.  No shame in that, I have to do that and I understand that about myself.  ::shrug::  I understand what you're saying. 

If you do something positive about this, you'll feel better and those feelings will lead to more good feelings.  That's how it always works for me, even though I have to force myself to take those first steps in the right direction while gritting my teeth and hating it.  You can do it, Hops; )

[Hopalong]

Aww, guys.
I feel I'm in the middle of a huge group hug.

Thank you.

Sniff.

GS...can't tell you how it warmed my heart to have your support.

It's a shame thing, for sure. Lighter, thanks, your comment reduced that. And yours, Lup. Thanks.
Deb, thank you. It sounds simple to be generous hearted, yet it is very moving to be on the receiving end of a compassionate view. It kind of rocks me.
PP, I do drink! A miracle I don't overdo it. But I sure enjoy my summer beers.

And anxiety. And Ami, yes...how did I come to this, such thankless isolation? (Whoops, get out the violin. Pity party.) PP..I DO drink. A beer a night.

S&S, you saw my "wildness" -- calling it that was balm. Really. I miss her (ol' wild-hair Hops).

CB, I feel loved. The TV battle, once I win, will be important. Dunno if I'll ditch the laptop though...I write you guys on my lap at night and it's very comforting.

Hi Izz, it's just: mail, bills, medical filing, Ma's finances, starting my little business angst (QuickBooks? Gimme SLOWBooks!)...stuff for my daughter (she called for credit card access last night, was having panic attack symptoms but couldn't take my word for it...another visit to PromptCare. It was Father's Day. I'm glad she called...it's the only thing she asks for any more, usually.)

Everyone, both practical tips and emotional comfort and lack of judgment from youse guys are all absolutely priceless to me.

Work was so busy I couldn't even look at the bag, CB, but when I go home at least it's all right there to tackle.

Hope I didn't ignore anyone. LOVE to all of you and grateful thanks. I also hope this is a threshold I'm soon going to be across. Once I am, I think it's time to reclaim my life fully.

(Forget who gave me permission to have ambivalence toward my mother but god, thanks. I so want her to be well and I sooooo want her to have to stay in the PT place. Yikers.)

Hops

[WRITE]

Hops I never ever balance cheque books! I figure if the mistake isn't obvious in my bank balance I can afford to live without it and it's not worth the extra stress looking for it....

Prioritise is what I have done, monthly stuff first-

pay every bill as it comes in or make a tidy pile for pay day; I write on each bill the cheque no I paid it with and have a file box for paid bills and keep the different types together.

Invoices go out on the last day of the month, I staple the receipt of the cheque to it and turn it into the folder when it's paid so it's obvious what is paid and unpaid.

I have a recycle basket for waste paper and DON'T save papers you can get elsewhere for any reason. That's what makes our desks so unwieldy, we don't know what's essential or not.

Big stuff, for example this month after my divorce:

Taxes- I plan a day where that is my chore, probably Friday;
helath insurance, had to do that in stages & manage the anxiety of not being covered this week!

That seems to be the secret with managing things, small chunks not overwhelming whole.

Don't panic, you'll do less, just keep doing a bit at a time.

I've started letting my friends help me with clutter too, they are more ruthless than me at ridding out papers and junk.

It helps me to remind myself no matter how bad or out of control things seem- 'you have handled this before, you have handled worse, you can do this....'

My ex encouraged helplessness on my part about paperwork btw, it made him feel good he could do stuff I couldn't.

Only now I can....

[Hopalong]

Thank you Write, you sweetie.

Would you believe I have awesome files set up?

It's...ahhh....the opening of the envelope and the taking out of the checkbook and the writing of the check and the filing of the paid receipt and the ahhh....notthrowingitallonthefloorbecauseihaveadatewithJimLehrer....

I envy you the girlfriends who'd actually come to your house and help with a logjam.

Really. I'm making it sound worse than it is. I did a huge paper-blitz a few months back so this really isn't a big backlog at all, by my dreadful standards.

xxooxxoo,
Hops