Hi Sela,
It sounds like what you're really asking is when should you listen to your instincts?
I DO trust my gut. I pay close attention to my intuition, but don't trust it the way I trust my gut.
Truly, one cannot know the agenda or intentions of anyone else. But to say one has knowledge of what's in anyone else's head? Not possible, is it?
I believe that also.
I don't even like exercises in reading between the lines and figure that at best I could only hope for 50% accuracy. Mathmaticians would have a better idea of what the chances are of being accurate.
I think the agenda part is what drives my question on this subject. I lived under the agenda of an N most of my life. Feeling that someone might try to woo me into a false agenda offends me, especially if it smacks of stealth. Hops commented on this on another thread.
Thanks for your help.
CB,
Your post really spoke to me. I relate to expressions like tripping up, glitches, and blind spot. And yes, we all have them. Bottom line, my response should revolve around the fact that we all trip up, have blind spots or experience glitches, that eventually help us see the light and correct our course, sometimes with the help of an observant compassionate witness.
For the person who is the target:
The other thing that complicates it, is that most of us have had enough conflict and turmoil to last a lifetime! And we would rather do anything than stir up some more for no reason. I think that we co-N's are pretty peaceable folks, for the most part. But I have to watch myself because sometimes my desire for peace means that someone else must soldier on alone.
To think that I might abandon someone in need to soldier alone breaks my heart. I don't want to do that.
You dont have to speak to the person's motivations because you can't be sure what they are (although you may have a fairly good idea).
I do believe this.
You can share a moral precept or religious belief that would apply, esp. if you share the same belief system. You can say "I try really hard not to..." and name the activity that is going on. And, finally, you can refuse to participate and say why. "I'm sorry--I have a personal goal to not gossip. I sometimes forget that goal, but I am trying very hard to not forget. So, I am not going to participate in this conversation." And you may have to make that statement in front of other people. Sometimes one brave soul is all it takes to turn the tide and give the target some peace.
I love this part for its simple wisdom. I agree with Hops that it's no wonder you have a posse of wonderful, loyal friends.
I'm not a fan of gossip. I admire anyone who knows how to turn the tide when scapegoating or malicious gossip is at issue.
And the agenda-person may be relieved and give you an opportunity to talk a bit. They may be genuinely concerned about where they are stuck, and may use this opportunity to explore more deeply into what got them there. You can be an important sounding-board for them, if they will let you.
I think the residual effects of having been agendized most of my life by an N will in a big way influence how I react/respond to situations where I perceive a stealthy agenda. I don't see myself being a rescuer in such cases. Nada, nada, nada. Not now.
I'm aware that debate about subjective reality/truth and objective reality/truth is a philosophical question that is ages old and that there may not be a convincing, definitive argument as to which is more accurate. The important thing for me right now is that this discussion has helped me understand what a right response might be from a number of angles. What you said feels right to me. It also helped me understand where I am presently on the issue of being agendized or manipulated. I want to revisit this part in a few months and examine it for possible shifts in my perception and response.
tt
