Living with the enemy

[Gaining Strength]

I am building on a theme that I got plugged into from one of Ami's posts.  I realize that life with an N or any other personality disorder is like living with the enemy.

Couple that with the enemy being irrational but believing themselves rational. 

My mother is a liar.  I caught her in a lie and confronted her withit.  She denied it.  She want's me to do all kinds of things for her and yet she will not admit to the lie that I have caught her in.  For my entire life she has talked about me behind my back.  I have only caught her doing so on a rare occassion but I know it has been a regular thing.  She does not talk about my brothers to me it is only about me.  I don't fully understand the psychology behind it but I have an inkling.  The talking about me is only part of the problem but it is definitely a problem.  Rather than come to me about something that bothers her she goes and complains to others.

Sounds small.  But like a drip of water it adds up over time especially when added in with so much more.  She cannot build up.  She cannot support. She cannot encourage.  She seeks information so that she can cut down.  I live with my cards plastered to my chest.  I long to live a life where there is broad support and encouragement.  That is how the human being flourishes - with support, encouragement and confidence. 

If I confront my mother about any of this she shrinks into a pitiful state as though I am the enemy, an aggressor out to destroy her.  She refuses to be honest.  It is unbelievably maddening. 

But the bigger problem isn't her actions but my reactions.  I am working to change my heart.  When men like Viktor Frankl and Nelson Mandela can change their heart and vision while in wretched prisons then so can I.  And this is the hope, to establish the sense of what it is to be loved and supported and encouraged and to live into that sensibility.

[axa]

GS

REally like the title of your post.  It reminds me of something which i will refer to later.  I think there is something about accepting the reality of the situation.  My guess now is that she is not going to change.  And as for wearing your cards plastered on your chest this I think is part of the problem.  This is how I am also and it give the enemy an advantage all the time.  I think the less engagement you have with her the better. iT is as if she dumps all her negativity onto you. I know how difficult it is to change but no reaction is power........ learned this the hard way.

With regard to your title.  I recall sitting in a cafe with XN and a co worker of his.  They were talking about how to control ones enemies.  In my stupidity I said I do not have any enemies, his co worker said everyone has an enemy.  Xn agreed that because I was such a nice person I did not have an enemy.  WAKE UP TIME I WAS SITTING NEXT TO MY BLOODY ENEMY!  I changed his name entry on my cell phone to The Enemy......... just reminds me.

Axa

[pennyplant]

This struck me because it is the very thing that I still live as a legacy from my childhood.  My parents, my brothers, my family was great at "getting you."  If anyone showed a weakness then someone went for the jugular.  Contrast this with what those who love you are supposed to do - they are supposed to have your back.  Can you imagine our soldiers overseas - how much more wretched their lives would be if they feared their fellow soldiers, if the people they were fighting side by side with did not have their backs.

For those of us with N parents or N spouses, life has been like living with the enemy.  That is not living.  That is war.

I copied this from your post on Ami's thread because it resonated with me in every way.  So glad you started a thread for this.

My husband and I are currently dealing with the fallout from my childhood spent surrounded by enemies.  He is voiceless too but in different ways and for different reasons.  I suppose so anyway.  He always compares his childhood favorably with mine.  But I don't really buy it.

My work place feels like this too, always having to watch my back.  I'm in the process of disengaging and it is so hard.  Those people there wouldn't care if I worked myself to death as long as it meant they wouldn't have to work hard or do things they don't like to do.  They would willingly sacrifice my health and sanity in favor of their own.

My next door neighbors are overbearing and selfish people who have been giving me the cold shoulder for over a year and a half but the husband just last night interrupted a peaceful conversation my husband and I were having in our backyard to invite him to "go canooin'".  And my husband played right along.  He kisses up to them because they are the type of people to sue you over nothing and he is afraid they will find an excuse to sue us someday.  But I feel so betrayed.  I know why he plays their game but it makes me feel like he would invite the enemy into our house regardless of my feelings.  It triggers terrible memories from when I was a teenager and my sister would invite my worst enemy into our house and had my mother pick her up from school with us.  As soon as we got out of the car, the abuse and harassment would begin.  My sister knew this and took pleasure in it.  My mother didn't give a damn.  Thirty years later it feels like the same thing and I just feel sick to my stomach.  My own husband.

At work all the single and divorced women are jealous of me and tend to leave me out because I'm "lucky" and have a good marriage.  They think I don't have a problem or care in the world just because I'm married.  They haven't got a clue.

Pennyplant

[Portia]

GS, fascinating, I just understood something about the way I see things (cockeyed). You said:
 

as though I am the enemy, an aggressor

and then Axa:

I WAS SITTING NEXT TO MY BLOODY ENEMY

(nice one )

and I realised that the way I see an 'enemy' is someone who wants to hurt me personally. I have trouble with the idea that I have unknown enemies, who would hurt me because of my gender, race, religion or lack of, country of birth, morals, etc etc. I guess it's that group thing again. Anyway.

Then this idea about an aggressor....well...an N is your aggressor when (s)he wants his supply, when he sees you as the source, but then when you're no longer a source, he stops being the enemy...it's almost as though it's not personal to you (because it isn't). That's not the case with your mother though GS? (Could you see her inability to be honest as her problem and not something that she does to madden you personally? She lies I guess because she lies and won't change so ...  )

Back to enemy....I don't know. Are you my friend or my enemy? And who decides that? (me or you?)

I think it's good to see the N as an enemy when you're at risk. You need to defend yourself because if you're at risk, your boundaries and sense of self need reinforcements eh.

But *if* I don't see myself as 'at risk' from someone, are they still my enemy? (Is the aggression part in them, or in my perception of them? Unless they're actively acting against me of course)

Do I have enemies? Yes, because someone somewhere will hate something about me I guess. But that's their thing: does it have to be mine? In other words, and I just know I've said this before here (but I'm old enough to repeat myself and not care - much ), someone can hate me but I don't have to hate them. They can think they are my enemy, but I don't have to think that.  

(((((pennyplant))))) have you told your hubby about your feelings?

[Ami]

This is exactly the type of thread that really is healing to me. Thank you, GS.
 One  insight that I would like to share with you,GS, is that I hear a lot of expectations about life and people in your posts. I say this with the utmost love and respect. I have this same problem  and I see it as a major reason that I am not content with my life.
 I hear you say that "mothers should be this way etc." I have been so unhappy b/c I feel these same things about mothers ,husbands etc.However, today, I looked at my H--honestly. It is horrible to see what I see. He hates me.  I have been sick for 3 weeks b/c my body knew this ,but I would not let it in to my consciousness. I see that he feels entitled to act anyway that he wants b/c he provides. I should put up with ANYTHING-- b/c he provides. He is REALLY angry at me b/c i am not appreciative.
   I saw my M---last week. It was horrible to see that ,too. However,GS, we will be sick if we don't face it. Should it be this way? Do we deserve it? No.NO.    BUT-it is the truth and no wishing will make it different. This is what I was saying about expectations,GS. We hurt ourselves,terribly, with them. We are destroying ourselves with the pain of wanting it to be different. What do we get in the end? Nothing ,but sick-- emotionally and physically.
   I want to talk about"living with the enemy"
  Now, I see that I do  live with the enemy However, my body ALWAYS knew it-- so ,today it is a relief  to see the truth without lying to myself

I have been sick for a very long time. I had yeast infections, stomach aches, heartburn and could not digest food etc for probably 19 years. It was getting worse  and worse. As I accepted the "fake" reality, I got sicker. The "fake" reality was that my H and M were my friends and had my back. The true reality is that they are my enemies and would put a KNIFE in my back
 I went through 3 weeks of sobbing, dizziness, yeast infections and stomach aches to break through the denial and see this truth--- BUT it is all worth it. I "almost" feel "real"--- not quite---but almost.
  The other really awful thing is that maybe all relationships will let us down and leave us alone. I am  looking at this ---now. Maybe b/c of human nature, someone will never really have our back.I had one relationship in life that had my back--- my grandmother-- my mother's mother The only two good family relationships that I have now are my   kids-- two sons. I think that even though i can count on them and vice-versa--- we still get on each other's nerves and disappoint each other.
   I really don't know the answers,for myself, about relationships. I am just beginning the journey of self healing. Maybe, this is an "advanced" course.                                                   Love   Ami

[axa]

Penny,

Don't think of XN as the enemy so much any more now that he is out of my orbit but I have kept the enemy name on my phone just in case I ever forget.  I do know that if he turned up at my door he would become the enemy again.  Interesting though never thought I had an enemy until XN and I do agree once you stop being supply you are nothing to them.....thankfully,

axa

[Iphi]

The other really awful thing is that maybe all relationships will let us down and leave us alone. I am  looking at this ---now. Maybe b/c of human nature, someone will never really have our back.I had one relationship in life that had my back--- my grandmother-- my mother's mother The only two good family relationships that I have now are my   kids-- two sons. I think that even though i can count on them and vice-versa--- we still get on each other's nerves and disappoint each other.

Realizing Ami wrote she is just beginning to wrestle with the above issue, I feel compelled to share something I've been thinking a lot about recently.
While no human relationship may be able to completely fulfill our farthest most ultimate wishes and I think our ability to temper our expectations is an important antidote to narcissism within ourselves.

But I do think there is a very important concept that is central to human relationships of every kind, and does differentiate who is an 'enemy' when you are relating with a person, or if we ourselves are acting as an enemy in any given relationship).  It is a foundational concept of contracts in law.  The concept is Good Faith.

I know that my familial relationships and many friendships have been lacking in this fundamental point.  And if I hadn't been so hazy on it, and so unfocused on my having anything of value to offer (other than servitude) - well let's just say I plan on the future being different than the past.

I think this web page outlines the concept very well:  http://www.answers.com/topic/good-faith?cat=biz-fin

The context may be contracts for goods, but relationships are contracts, even if only sometimes formally acknowledged as in marriage.

[Portia]

very helpful Iphi, thanks for the link.

[motheroffour]

Living with enemies! Oh, the pain.  No one having your back!  The theme of my life.  I think I get caught in the "love your enemies" idea.  And I also get caught in the "don't be easily offended" thing.  A little christian logic I think I haven't truly understood in the past.  I think it made me lay down and take it.  Tell myself that I was strong enough to handle it.  Not worth it  too fight.  I will deal with my needs on my own. That idea that they really don't know what they are doing.  But all the while my pain grew and grew and took my peace.  Now I am physically safe.  No sexual abusers around.  No N's next door.  I am safe.  I just have to learn what it really means love your enemies the way I think it was meant. 

--mof4

[pennyplant]

Portia,

Yeah, we are working on that today.  I don't have any answers, but I needed for him to realize just how old this is and just how strongly I feel about it.  It still affects my life daily.  It was so much better during the years we lived out of state.  I liked being around strangers.  Being "home" really does me in because of all the past associations plus the same type of people are still here. 

Thanks for the ((((()))))

Pennyplant