I've been thinking of posting this old one for awhile now, but didn't want anyone to be deeply hurt. Today I thought- some tears are cleansing !!- and I hope that's how any tears will be of those who are so affected by this little poem. You probably have seen it.
I had... back in the day when I'd forgotten how to feel. This last time, I felt it.
My mother is not NPD, but I was most certainly voiceless. That is not her fault. My brother isn't voiceless, so I know that I could have had a different response to her ways. It just wasn't in me to react like he did... and it isn't in me now, thank God. After years of demeaning her, he recently bought her a fur coat. Me? I just keep my distance.
I do not remember her doing any of the things in this poem. Not one.
Rather, I remember doing things like this for her... because somehow, intuitively, I knew that these were evidences of love.
I believe that God filled in the gaps which she left behind in me - for my childrens' sake.
With two children grown and two left at home, there are times when I feel haunted by what we all could have been... if not for... .
But when I read this, I know that I have done these things for them. They're a part of my relationship with my kids which is untainted by my mother. They're a part of me which I gave to them.
I didn't do them because I'd decided to NOT be like her... I did them because they were in me to do.
They weren't in her... and for that, I am sorry for her, but there's no excuse. None. Only to forgive.
When You Thought I Wasn't Looking
When you thought I wasn't looking
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator
And I wanted to paint another.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You fed a stray cat
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You baked a birthday cake just for me
And I knew that little things were special things.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You said a prayer
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You kissed me good-night
And I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn't looking
I saw tears come from your eyes
And I learned that sometimes things hurt --
But that it's alright to cry.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You smiled
And it made me want to look that pretty too.
When you thought I wasn't looking
You cared
And I wanted to be everything I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking --
I looked ...
And wanted to say thanks
For all those things you did
When you thought I wasn't looking.
