Author Topic: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.  (Read 7846 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #30 on: August 08, 2007, 11:46:32 PM »
Lighter stick to your guns...
I think he will get snarled up in his own shoelaces.

I'm so very sorry for the climate of fear. It also makes me coldly angry.

But I think you are so much stronger than your fear.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #31 on: August 09, 2007, 01:19:15 PM »
I think you are so much stronger than your fear.

exactly.

Maybe fear's like alcoholism and you have to hit rock-bottom to realise it's all better from then?

***

Once thing I am going to talk to my T about tomorrow which was a big source of my fear and is suddenly gone, for years being  around ex felt like iNvasion of the psyche-snatchers. I used to swear he was borrowing my personality or something similar, it felt like only one of us could survive.

And that's gone, that's how I know something big has changed.

We're surviving and living independently of each other now, I don't feel like he's inside my head any more.

lighter

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #32 on: August 09, 2007, 03:36:18 PM »
Oh that last post made my stomach flip, Write.

Not even sure why but being so close to an N is....... scary for me.

I think dd's ear problems and just feeling out of routine and sorts has me living with a bit of anxiety today that colors my views.

My stomach would  flip every time if I pictured my X at all today :shock: 

Just not something I ever ever ever want to do again, quite frankly: /

Certain Hope

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2007, 08:13:38 PM »
Dear Lighter,

That's not something I ever, ever, ever want to do again either.

I used to think that in order to be completely "okay" with all this, that I needed to overcome that particular sense of never-ever.

Now I don't think so.

Never-ever works just fine.

Love,
Hope

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #34 on: August 10, 2007, 02:15:33 PM »
I think for me the never-ever is about where I'm going not where I've been: I really don't want to spend the next X years of my life trying to fix anyone, not even me!

Went to therapy today and she commented as I left 'you are really taking care of yourself'.

That was nice to hear, even people around me are noticing.

Unward and upward....

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #35 on: August 13, 2007, 02:08:41 PM »
last night we found a little Yorkie dog exhausted from the heat, my son and I took care of it and just took it to the pound.

It's not really the right pet for me and the smell of it suggests a problem somewhere, it was lovely though and I shed a tear when we left it!

My son is SO moody though, I guess these teen years are upon us.
I need some extra resilience to cope with that, he's so upsetting.

He was so kind to that little dog last night and so mean to me this morning!

 :(

lighter

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #36 on: August 13, 2007, 02:37:58 PM »
Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself Write.

Sorry to hear your son's going through teenaged angst in your direction.

 

Certain Hope

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #37 on: August 13, 2007, 05:04:57 PM »
last night we found a little Yorkie dog exhausted from the heat, my son and I took care of it and just took it to the pound.

It's not really the right pet for me and the smell of it suggests a problem somewhere, it was lovely though and I shed a tear when we left it!

My son is SO moody though, I guess these teen years are upon us.
I need some extra resilience to cope with that, he's so upsetting.

He was so kind to that little dog last night and so mean to me this morning!

 :(

((((((((Write)))))))))

I really hope that your son's behaviour calms once he begins school and his own fears are eased. My son said today that he's both excited and nervous... it's a big adjustment and can sure set a household on edge.
Take good care.

Love and more hugs,
Hope

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #38 on: August 14, 2007, 03:16:34 PM »
teenaged angst in your direction.

it's HORRIBLE isn't it! I'm sure I wasn't that bad....

My son said today that he's both excited and nervous... it's a big adjustment and can sure set a household on edge.

Hope he's doing okay CH. My son tends to have his melt-downs in advance, a sort-of prep phase for things, which i suppose is ( slightly ) better than an attack of nerves on the day.

He's going to ride the school bus for the first time too. I hate that they don't have any safety belts though.

There's always something to worry about isn't there...

*

One of my patients just fell asleep on my shoulder after I fed her lunch; I sat there still and quiet and thought about all the changes in life. I feel like i haven't caught up from things which happened years back never mind the present.

Life seems so imperfect in some ways...

This lady who was a teacher and very beautiful and very clever now can't talk or do much for herself, yet she remembers when I am going to be there and fetches me to give her lunch. I was lost in thought when she opened her eyes and kissed my cheek, then went back to sleep.

It's those moments we miss so easily, I just felt such a sense of joy and privilege and 'eveything is okay'.

Love
~Write


lighter

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #39 on: August 14, 2007, 03:26:00 PM »
This lady who was a teacher and very beautiful and very clever now can't talk or do much for herself, yet she remembers when I am going to be there and fetches me to give her lunch. I was lost in thought when she opened her eyes and kissed my cheek, then went back to sleep.

It's those moments we miss so easily, I just felt such a sense of joy and privilege and 'eveything is okay'.

Love
~Write



::sniff::

Poignant and touching, Write. 

Certain Hope

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #40 on: August 14, 2007, 04:04:36 PM »
Thank you, Dear Write  :)  Yes, son is doing well.  He's keeping occupied with critters and games, and that helps... plus he's content with some new school-apparel and supplies we've gathered (munchies - granola bars, doritos... comfort food - lol). I think that I was on edge about that, because we waited longer than usual to shop for those things this year.
Feeling prepared seems to calm his nerves about such things (and mine!)... Scout training, you know :) Whenever we have to travel a distance, he likes to have his kit-bag with pencils, papers, a few toys... preparedness seems to be key for him. Thursday afternoon we go to the mid-school open house to get his class schedule, locker assignment, etc. He's familiar with the school from his sisters' past attendance there, plus it's located directly across from his old elementary.

The schoolbus is the least favorite part... they both hate it - so loud and long and dusty. Living rural, they have anywhere from 1-2 hours ride each way, depending on the driver's route. I don't know how they get away without seatbelts, but at least the seat-backs are fairly high.
I drive them in every so often, just to give them a break from it, but with gas prices as they are and all the extra running for band and other activities, can't do that too often. All I can do is to regularly put worry aside (one of those "get thee behind me" deals) and trust that all will work together for good. Always has!

How beautiful that you were present when that lady opened her eyes... to receive the best that she has to give you.
The past is so elusive... just as it should be, I think.

Love,
Hope

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #41 on: August 15, 2007, 06:10:12 PM »
Feeling prepared seems to calm his nerves about such things (and mine!)...

yes, it's a big thing isn't it, feeling prepared and ready to face something.

It's something I remember from my childhood we always seemed to do everything as an after-thought ( I suspect we were an afterthought ) and nothing was ever thought through properly.

they have anywhere from 1-2 hours ride each way

poor things, that's a long day.

The past is so elusive... just as it should be, I think.

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there....

L P Hartley

Ami

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #42 on: August 15, 2007, 09:15:42 PM »
[
Once thing I am going to talk to my T about tomorrow which was a big source of my fear and is suddenly gone, for years being  around ex felt like iNvasion of the psyche-snatchers. I used to swear he was borrowing my personality or something similar, it felt like only one of us could survive.

And that's gone, that's how I know something big has changed.

We're surviving and living independently of each other now, I don't feel like he's inside my head any more
.



THANK you, WRITE.. This is exactly, exactly what happened with my M   and me.                       Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #43 on: August 16, 2007, 09:06:22 AM »
yes, it's a big thing isn't it, feeling prepared and ready to face something.

It's something I remember from my childhood we always seemed to do everything as an after-thought ( I suspect we were an afterthought ) and nothing was ever thought through properly.

It's funny, Write... my mother was always so organized and well prepared for everything. Mistress of lists. There was no lack... but there was a sense of being just another item on one of her lists.
Being thought through is not so satisfying or fulfilling. Being loved through is :)

The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there....

I will remember this!

Hugs to you, dear Write

Hope
L P Hartley

WRITE

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Re: Who I am? & some recent conversations with ex.
« Reply #44 on: August 16, 2007, 07:40:10 PM »
Being thought through is not so satisfying or fulfilling. Being loved through is

my friend today wrote and said she and her husband of thirty years were going back to bed in all this rain, having a lazy day. It's the first time thinking of that intimacy hasn't made me sad, I just thought 'one day I'll find someone to do that with'.

I think I'm starting to accept my mother couldn't love me but I can love me.

"Mistress of Lists'. I like that!