Sometimes I feel funny being here as it is hard to say you were abused if there is no physical abuse. So I have done what others said here and not called it abuse... just not a good childhood... and nothing healthy in today's relationship either.
My mother has NPD. I was the firstborn and she liked me when I was little, presumably for the attention I brought to her. Then she got pregnant with my sister. She loves to tell how she gained only 8 pounds and looked fabulous. Meanwhile, I was five, depressed, overweight, and she blamed it on jealousy. I would say it was more a lack of maternal affection.
My sister was born and she told everyone the baby was the spitting image of her as a baby. She pulled out pictures of herself. I continued to sneak food and be depressed. I ate medicines from the medicine cabinet. They let me stay with my mean, alcoholic grandmother a lot. That is her excuse today for the fact that I became alcoholic and depressed as a young adult - that my grandmother did it to me.
I became very rude as a teenager. I thought I was better than others since my parents always said we were superior and adored talking about how "backwards" everyone around us was. They were mean and spiteful and I became that way - I parroted their attitudes. In spite of this, I did not fit their image, because, somehow I could never figure out how they wanted me to be.
No matter what I did, it was not what my mother, especially, thought was valuable. And never as good as my sister. And my sister got to do everything earlier and even do things I wasn't allowed to do. And there was always an excuse for the inequality. And so it continued. My talents were "weird," my sister was diligent and headed in the right direction. My parents paid for everything for her when she was in school. I had loans to pay immediately out of college - she did not, because, as my mother said, she was going to med school. I also got an advanced degree, but I guess that didn't justify me not having to pay for undergrad. I also had to bear the burden of every cent spent on me. I was made to feel guilty for every single thing bought for me. I took from them. They would have been so much more comfortable if they didn't have to always pay for me.
My hugest embarrassment as a young adult was their house. My mother throws NOTHING away and does not clean. Our house was small and filthy and reeked of animals. She always had, and has, animals, which are treated way better than the humans around her. The house is packed to the ceiling with garbage and would end up in a newspaper if a health inspector happened upon it. No one can start to clean, or she starts crying that you don't think she does anything. So it stays filthy. There are mouse droppings in the dish cupboards, rotten food in the refridgerator, food in the basement that has been there for 20 years or more. The basement is an unnavigable mish mash of crap she has bought, used once, and discarded.
Money was always a huge issue. They never had enough of it. Some of the excuses (jokes) my mother used were, "I thought your father was rich when I married him," "We'd have more money if your college wasn't so expensive." Of course, it was never taken into account that they had to own any pet my mother ever saw, that they traded cars in every two years, that they bought any and everything they saw that attracted them at the store. Later, my mother paid for everything for my sister through school (the excuse is that she was planning to be a doctor), yet took my tax money when I lived alone and was making 1,100 a month on my own teaching. She felt they should earn that money as I had lived near them part of that year. When I worked during college, I paid for my books and living expenses. In high school I bought all my own clothes and any other incidentals, except for a very few occasions. My sister went shopping, had cool things for her house, etc. My parents called me cheap. They told me I should have fun and spend some money.
I was never thin enough for her taste. There were times when she praised my looks, but they were always in contrast to her. Needless to say, I was never happy with myself and became bulimic. I wanted to be anorexic, but never could go all the way. She found out about my bulimia, but had no desire to deal with it. My sister also threw up and used laxatives and I basically told my mother that, but, again, that was an issue she didn't like.
She encouraged me to dress sexy and then called me a slut. She was always watching to see if I was doing something to catch a man's eye. She would accuse me of being out when she knew I had been at home. She got me on the pill in her fear that I would get pregnant. She actually took me for a drive one day when I was in college, pulled over and told me she "knew what was wrong with me." She was positive I was pregnant. I had no idea what she was talking about. She was fixated on my body and what I might do with it.
She is still fixated on my body. I am almost 40, and every time I see her, there is a discussion of my body. How fat or thin I am... how my legs and butt are different than hers and my sisters, and so on and so on... it's endless.
My father is not much better than she, I realize. He has become a mean, angry person who blames anything that he does like on some outside influence. Nothing is ever his fault. Everyone is jealous of them and us. I don't believe he is an N, because he does have some feelings, but he has managed to destroy most of them. He and my mother enjoy nothing more than ripping people they "hate" to shreds (and this includes almost everyone I can think of) or comparing themselves to toehrs and coming out favorably. Meanwhile, I found out NM has a little online thing with an old friend and enjoys playing this sex chat game with him while Dad is at work. My Dad is older, not especially healthy, but will never be able to retire, as they shop every day.
I realize each day how pervasive the lies have been and how much of what NM blamed me for was actually a reaction to what she thought of herself. I hear her lies in everything she says now. Because of this, I have lost all respect for her and any desire I might have had to maintain a relationship.
Through people on this board, AA, and my family (husband, kids, dog), I have built a good life and am learning to let go. I am not looking for her approval. I don't need her love.
I wish I could say I am totally cured, but I am not. I would love to have someone stand on top of a mountain and point her out and scream for everyone to hear that she is insane and does not love her own child(ren). But, barring that happening, I will continue to work on distancing myself emotionally from them.
