An Introduction and a Question

[Lyshorathi]

Hello to all.

Though I'd known for a few years that there was something wrong with my mother, it was only a few months ago that I found out that "something wrong" had a name.  I suppose it should have been more of a shock to find she had NPD.  The reality is, I already knew that the way she loved me, and the way she loved my sister, wasn't the way a parent is supposed to love their children.

I realize now that I was very lucky.  With the support of my father and an incredible therapist, I found the strength to leave my mother at the age of fourteen.  To this day, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  Thinking back, I realize that she threw everything she had at me.  It gives me strength to realize that I walked away from that, even if I still have the mental bruises.

Currently, I'm a few months shy of nineteen (a young'n, I know).  I'm living with my father and future step-mother while trying to make my way through college.  Both of them survived long, painful marriages, he to an N, and she to a controller with many narcissistic-type traits.  They've found an incredible degree of healthy happiness together, and with their help, I'm slowly learning how to function as a individual.

I've essentially cut off all contact with my mother.  My fight is not so much with her, but with the memories of her.  Yes, I feel sorry for her, but any form of forgiveness is many years down the road.  

I'm sorry for prattling on, but finding a place with people who actually know what it means to live with an N has gotten me very excited.  It's been shocking to read some of the pervious threads and see so many stories that look like echoes from my own life, short though it many have been thus far.

As for the question:
When I was nine, I was diagnosed with Type 1 (Juvenile) Diabetes.  I know this had a huge impact on how my mother treated me, as well as how she manipulated the outside world.   I was wondering if anyone else had a similar experience with a illness/disease/disorder, in childhood or otherwise, and how it might have impacted the relationship with their N.

[rosencrantz]

Hi Lyshorathi - welcome aboard!  It's great to meet you and to have an opportunity to cheer you on.  What an incredibly hopeful story you have.  

Many N parents actually would rather pretend that we don't have illness of any kind as they take it as demonstrating that they haven't been perfect parents.  You have to be well (whether you are or not) to sustain their ego!!

On the other hand, the attention that can be gained from a child  with 'illness'...well, that must be a temptation.  Mostly tho I'd expect a mother to take it as a personal affront.  

With my own son, I just don't know how to get it right.  I don't want to fuss and turn up at the doctor's on every little pretext so things have to get really bad before I go - so then I feel really guilty that I've 'let' things go for so long.  How realistic an appraisal that is , I just don't know!!!  I hope that when I do turn up they know that there really is something wrong, tho!!!

[mary]

I have been dealing with the results of having an N spouse.  And it is new to me to learn about N. (a couple of weeks) I found writing about my experiences have helped me a lot to think my life through and move toward getting a grip on things.  Understanding what has gone on helps.  Learning that others have had similar experiences helps.  The therapist says my kids are going to be ok.  They have been hurt and they have a lot of anger but they can get passed that.  Knowledge really is power.

[CC]

Hi Lys!  It is unfortunate that you are meeting us here under the circumstances of you discovering your mom's problems.  However, you are sooo fortunate to being processing this at such a young age!  A warm welcome, and so glad to hear your father and stepmother are surrounding you with new found emotional health.  You are in the absolute best place you can be!

I am sorry, I don't have anything to share about physical ailments and my Nmother, but I am so encouraged by your post I wanted to say hi.  Good luck to you, and I hope you will find the support you need here.

[Lyshorathi]

Thank you all.  The warmth and support I see in the board, in every post, is amazing.  It's nice to know I qualify as "hopeful."

Rob, I can safely say that I know exactly what you mean.  Only, instead of being stuffed-up, my mother always sounded faint and vaguely constipated.  Rather funny, now that I think about it.

My mother certainly had her share of taking the Sickness Spotlight.  It always seemed as if she couldn't get through the day without her poor back acting up, or her hypoglycemia getting out of control.  I remember that I wasn't allowed to tickle her, especially not her feet, because she apparently had poor muscle coordination ("If you do this, you'll make me kick you in the face.  It wont be my fault, because I can't control it").  

As for dealing with me, I think she saw taking care of me as her triumph over adversity.  Her peers saw her as being a loving, sacrificing individual.  Of course, if my control ever wavered, then I must have be doing something behind her back.  No, puberty and natural hormonal changes had nothing to do with it, no matter what those silly doctors say.  

It takes me a rather long time to put messages together, so I'm not sure how often I'll be able to respond.  Still, I am here, and I hope I can give back some of the support I've already found here.

[Prosperity]

My mother in law has to always BE sick, and everyone in the famuily is always sick and needs her help.  When my husband was young he had ADHD, Tourrettes, a learning disability, and emotional problems and SHE helped him overcome everything without the help of a therapist or medicaiton. SHE did it all by herself.  And all the while she was dealing with her own diabetes, fibromyalgia, etc.  WHAT A MARTYR.  (Oh, yes he is COMPLETELY cured)

Five years ago my sister in law was in a terrible car accident and was comatose for five weeks but made a miraculous recovery and graduated from college last year.  She had the help of the best therapists and professionals around.  Oh, but MIL did it all.  She ate it up.  AND, now, she constantly tries to keep SIL totally dependent upon her by convincing others that SIL is not of stable mind "because of the brain injury" and cannot make decisions independently.  And who wouldn't beleive her, she has a brain injury!!  SIL just graduated from college this year!!! and I spend a significant amount of time with SIL (MIL lives 750 mi. away), she watches our babies, I have no concern about it, and I feel SIL is totally fine.  But MIL keeps trying to keep SIL dependent on her (wants her to quit her job to move back home, etc. )  How coincidental that her last child just left for college last year.  She will die without someone to be dependent on her, someone she can control and boss around.  

Good luck, Lys.  We will chat again, I'm sure.

Prosperity