Hi Beth,
Your words, your thoughts have flown through my mind so many times that reading your post was as if I'd written it.
I've made lots of progress and you have too. I got to the understanding stage of Nmoms personality a long while before I got to the point of not wanting her to at least try to be a mother and the desire to get revenge. I'm with you though, I finally got there. The thing I'll never know is why she became a pathological liar. I'll never know why lying and manipulation became so ingrained in her psyche that it became her reality. The thing I do know is the theory of psychiatry that narcissism is induced half by environment, half genetic. Her two sisters are the same with hardly any variation in the behavior. The sad thing is that she rarely speaks except about external events. That goes for the past as well as current events in her life, things like who was there, how they were dressed, gossip, who has passed away, local crime, bragging about the people she approves of, how bad their children are, whether they keep a good house...things like that. I'll never know what went on in her little girl life back in the day. If she were able to talk to me about that, we would have a RELATIONSHIP. The part of her soul that could and should interface with my soul is secreted away somewhere. Unreachable. Sad.
I have had to release my desire to 'get to know her'. That secreted part of her will never be exposed. I have accepted that she abused me simply because I was there and a powerless target. Her abuse as I see it now had nothing to do with whether I was her biological child. Any living creature that entered her 'bubble kingdom' where she reigned supreme was subject to the same treatment I received.
"How can you be like this?" and "Why can't you see what others see in me?" But these are fading as well.
Yup! I've asked those questions too. You see Beth. Their reality is so far removed from the normal range of human thinking and behavior that they can't be concerned with the questions you want so badly to understand. How they think and process life IS their reality. And there is something in the psyche of a narcissist that drives them to hold their 'position' at all costs. That's my thinking now. Others may think differently, but I've looked into the face of narcissism for seven years straight and I have not seen anything, not even a hint of acknowledgement of or regret of or dissatisfaction about the pain and dysfunction her behavior has caused in our family.
So what to do next? Well, I've stated my case here several times. I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned her (or anyone) to the life she would have without me. I'll do the caretaking as long as I can. She could easily out live me. But if she doesn't the next stage will be a facility.
You my dear, are on the right track. Plan your Nmom's present OUT of your life as much as you can and do life with enthusiasm. You are surrounded by pure gold, your husband (when he's not deployed), your children, Henry, you still have your youth, you're educated, bright, engaging, lovable.
Chances are that you will recycle some of the old feelings from time to time, but they will get farther apart and have fewer triggers. Blessed relief!
Sincerely,
tt
