Trying to get away from a Narcissist

[ZombieAlly]

I am new to this message board.  And I was hoping that maybe I could vent and maybe get some words of wisdom from other people that know where I've been and where it is that I think that I am going to go.

I was married to a N for 7 years (11 years together) - he also abuses alcohol.  At first things were great (which seems to be typical) but as soon as we had children things changed. The last 4+ years of my life have been a complete hell.  Things really went downhill when I found out he was having an affair (probably not his first) and he left me.  But, shortly afterwards he started to harrass me - with calls, emails and texts of love and remorse and regret and using the children to guilt me.  I got sucked in again.  And then I saw him with his girfriend, then I broke free.  Then got sucked in again.  And again and again.  I thought that he was just an alcoholic, but a marriage counsler told me he was a narssisst to a T.  I was afraid to look it up - but when I finally did - everything that I read was like my reading my life story from the last 11 years.  I've decided I am going to divorce him and I feel good about it.  But I still have to try so hard not to get sucked back in. 

Which brings me to my issue. . . One of the major reasons that I'm not getting sucked in is because I've met someone else.  But that is the problem, too.  I didn't want to go out with this person, but I felt attracted to him and beautiful in his eyes.  I haven't felt those types of feeling for a long time.  So I agreed to see him.  It has only been a few weeks, but I already feel exposed and vulnerable and scared and worried that this person could be a N too.  And I am afraid of being intimate and being rejected - as I have been by my STBX. 

I want to end this thing with this new person, but at the same time, he is exactly what I have been wishing for the last 2 years when my STBX wouldn't or couldn't be there for me physically or emotionally.  I feel like it is too soon for me to be entertaining the idea of dating someone, but at the same time he is sorta helping me break free from N.  I am scared and worried that I am not making the right decisions to move towards healing from this crapola. 

Does anyone have any thoughts? 

[isittoolate]

Welcome Z-A
This is a good place and others will be along to give you their thoughts.


I was never in your position, but I've seen it on Boards all the time, to be totally free from the N..... divorced, mentally healed with none of his baggage to take to another relationship.

Can you picture that? but with childtren he will always be a part of your life and activities (how you handle them, miss them, cancel them)

good Luck
Izzy

[pennyplant]

Hi Z Ally,

Welcome.  I'm not married to an N so take this with a grain of salt.  I would say it is too soon to get involved with another man.  It's important to know what it is in your life history that attracted the first N.  Those of us who have attracted one into our lives usually have a knack for surrounding ourselves with that type.  And they sniff us out, too. 

It's quite a journey making yourself healed enough to be able to spot these types in time and eventually to not even attract them at all.  You've actually got quite a journey ahead of you just getting away from the first one.  That alone might be enough on your plate for now.

If your boyfriend is a healthy man, he should understand your wanting to take it slow.  When you slow down or break it off with him, the answer to that question will probably be pretty obvious.

While I am not married to an N, I have some experience with having felt beautiful in someone else's eyes and how intoxicating that feeling is.  In looking back, I think that interlude distracted me from the real work I needed, and still need, to do in my life.  On the other hand, maybe the ending of that time is what motivated me to get to work on myself. 

When it comes down to it, you will proceed as you need to and want to.  There's lots of stories and ideas here.  Hopefully, that will help you as you go along. 

Pennyplant

[Sela]

Hi and welcome Zombie,

Sorry marriage has been such a disappointment and has brought so much pain for you.  No wonder it's so hard not to rely on your knight in shining armour, so he seems to have come along.  

I don't know much about wisdom but I have remembered something that my T told me to do, which really helped me to stay strong in my goals and decisions.  Here is something similar you might decide to try:

1.  Make a list.......

......of all the hurt and other feelings you experienced when you found out about your STBX's first and then later affairs.

......of all the reasons you don't want to be married to him any more and why you want a divorce.

.....of what you dislike about him and his behaviour (STBX's) and how he has harmed you.

.......of how you got sucked back in before ...then write in new, improved responses that will help you not get sucked back in again.

2.  Might you ask the new guy to just be your friend for now?  Explain that you are not ready for a romantic relationship yet?

Anyone worthy would know to not take advantage of you at this time...to not pressure you into any kind of serious relationship right now.  Anyone honourable will stand with you and be glad to.  If he does any of that coaxing stuff, it's probably going to be necessary to end it with him, as it might be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.  Big red flag there, I think!


3.  Feeling scared and worried about making the right decisions right now is pretty typical.  Do you have anyone trustworthy to talk about this stuff with?  Would you consider talking with a counsellor/therapist?  I think it's important to have real life 3D support when one is facing such huge life decisions.  I cannot put into the words the value such support was to me when I needed it.

I hope things work out for you real soon.   Keep posting and talking if it helps and I'm sure others will be along to respond.

Sela

[Ami]

Dear Zombie.
  I am going to give a "strong "answer based on my experience.
  I have been married for a long time to an N(ish) man. I was left alone emotionally with no help and two small children to try to navigate my way through abuse and N type of behavior in my marriage.. It almost broke me,but I found the board and have been healing( and so has my H)
   This is what happened that I want to warn you about. A man came in to my life who was totally "perfect". He made me feel beautiful, cared for me and  even went to the dentist with me. He had all the traits that I thought that I wanted in a man. I had one problem ,though. My gut was SCREAMING at me that he was not 'safe". I pushed my gut down to a degree,but not totally. After I got stronger from  being on the  the board,I realized that he was worse than any N. He was a sociopath.
  There seems to be a 'loose" rule that we go  "down" rather than up when we are "escaping" from one bad type of person to another.
  When I hear that he makes you feel beautiful, warning bells go off inside me. It is fine that you feel this around him. It just hits me that the intoxication indicates an abusive relationship,.particularly when you have chosen one N, already.
  My advice would be not to sleep with him,for sure. If you do, your emotions will  make you lose your discernment. If you lose your discernment, you are screwed.
  My grandmother gave me great advice that has saved me ,many times in situations like yours. It was "act like a lady."
 My grandmother was so wonderful. I pass her advice on to you.I hope that it will help    Love  Ami

[ZombieAlly]

I want to thank all of your for your welcome and advice.  I think that I knew what I had to do already.  I am going to break it off with this new guy.  I feel such emotional upheaval and that can't be healthy for me or my children.  It is true it is intoxicating to be with someone new - it is almost like I am escaping from my world and entering another.  Which in all honesty - feeling that - I know that it is the wrong thing and unhealthy. 

I just fear that my STBX will suck me in and I don't have anything to hold on to.  So I guess I was using this new person as some kind of anchor not to fall into my STBXs traps.  But I need to learn how to do this myself. And have a ground separate from any other individual.  I feel so frightened of the unknown and find myself craving the demon that I know versus the demons I don't know out there in the big world. 

I am seeing a T - but she is all about alcoholism and AA.  I've been to al-anon - but I feel like alcoholism is just an excuse people use to justify bad behavior and mask their serious underlying problems.  I don't think my T understands the whole N thing.  And because of that she can't understand why it is so hard for me to break free. 

Ami, I am taking your grandmother's advice to heart - "to act like a lady".  I am a lady and a woman.  I was totally destroyed by my experiences with my N, but I have found myself again and I refuse to lose me again in escaping from the world I have to live in. 


Thank you all so much again. 

ZAlly

[Ami]

Wow Zally,
  You are AMAZING                                               Love   Ami

[Sela]

That sounds like a good idea, Zally.

The whole thing will likely help you with your self confidence, in the end.
Then, later, you can work on choosing your mate more carefully.

Also, it's a whole lot less confusing for the children.  Good for you!

Sela

[ZombieAlly]

Sela,

I am not sure that I want another mate. . . at least not for a while.  But now I'm stressing about breaking it off with this guy.  God, I can be a total emotional mess sometimes.  I guess it is the boundary issue. . .

One good thing is that my children never met this new guy.  And if I ever do find someone else (unlikely right now) - that is one boundary that I will keep HARDCORE - no one will ever meet my children.  They are priority #1 - slightly higher on my list than me   

Thank you again for all your advice. 

Take Care,
ZAlly

[Sela]

Hiya Zally,

Is it ever easy to end relationships.....put up boundaries?

Never has been for me.  Sometimes, it's downright distasteful but absolutely necessary to preserve one's dignity and mental/emtotional well-being.  No wonder you're stressed.  Anyone would be, I think.

Would it help to plan?  (sort of....decide on a time and place, practice what you'll say, etc)?

Your children are lucky to have such a devoted mother.

Sela

[ZombieAlly]

Sela,

I totally agree with you that it is absolutly necessary to keep your dignity, etc to do this type of thing. 

I think that I've made a plan - I'm going to call him and just be done with it. I don't know if I can really plan out what I am going to say becaue I've learned that I can't (& shouldn't) anticipate someone's reactions or responses and what that person is going to say back to me.  But I know how I am going to start it - basically that things are moving too fast for me and I feel vulnerable and exposed to him.  And I am emotionally not ready to start anything with anyone new. 

Part of me wants him to just understand and be okay with it and take things slow (& still see me).  But the bigger(??) part of me just wants to be done with it and have a clean break.   

I just have to stay strong and remember that everything that I do is and has to be movement towards healing and taking care of myself and my children. 

Thank you, Sela.  I appreciate you replying to me and being here for me (a perfect stranger). 

Take care,
ZAlly

[alone48]

I also am new to the board, but your post hit a nerve. I was married to a N for almost 30 years and knew that the relationship was long over when I met my new friend. I now realize that there are varying degrees of N's and my ex was certainly not as bad as I thought. It took the new N to realize this. I also knew in the begining it wasn't right, but he made me feel so good. It would have been much easier to end it then, than it is now four years later.

I finally have come to the conclusion that until I can realize and understand why I continue to choose the same type (N's) of man, that I need to stay away from relationships. That is extremely hard since I have never really been alone, there in lies alot of my problem. I never got to know myself enought to feel good about ME!

Certainly I hope your situation isn't the same as mine, but if you can gain anything from it I'm glad. Please don't wait another four years to realize you should have taken this time for you.

[ZombieAlly]

Alone48,

I hear you loud and clear.  I have always been in a relationship as well.  Since I was 13 years old I've never been without a boyfriend - then husband.  But in the years that I have spent with my NH, I have learned to rescue myself and learned to be alone and be okay with it. 

But what I miss is the warm body of someone to be intimate with.  I wanted something simple and pure.  But I don't think that is something that I can ever have.  A relationship between me and a lover can never be simple - I am in the process of learning that right now.  And I am not really sure what "pure" is. . .

I believe that my M has N traits.  I see it now in her so much.  And I can feel myself being sucked into her drama - and it doesn't help my situation - because it make me feel like running back to my NH.  Running from one N to another. . . How sick is that???!!  Back and forth - like I am some kind of volley ball. 

Breaking free - that is all I want now.  To be free. . .

Thank you again, Alone48.  I appreciate that you took the time to give me your thoughts and share you experience. 

Take care,
ZAlly

[alone48]

My main quest now is to figure out how to discern when you have met an N and get away before they can do damage. I feel like I'm a magnet to this type. Good luck to you also.

[Hopalong]

ZAlly, Alone...

Just want to chime in that I divorced an N, swift got my heart smashed by an Nbf, and married another N, divorced him and had THREE Nbfs before I was done. From the time of my first marriage it was about 20 years in N-land.

I woke up when I returned to my N-MOTHER after my 2nd divorce and have lived in the same house with her since. (She's now 96, and has lost her "bite".)

This isn't advice, just a story I wish every young woman in your situation could take in deeply so that looooong before their 50s, they become free.

It's worth it.

love,
Hopalong