For me, I can receive lessons much easier in cyberspace than in real life. In real life,i would either be running down the street( escaping) or placating ( hamster on wheel mode ) .
Either one of these ways of "coping" is bad for me.
In cyberspace,I can get a cup of cocoa,sit quietly and examine the dynamic. Maybe,normal people can do this in real life. In real life,I am STILL and ALWAYS running away from my mother's anger in every relationship and every encounter--BLEH. WHAT a life.
However,in cyberspace,I can try to relearn what I was not able to,as a child-- HOW to navigate life without becoming road kill.
I had a conflict(cyberspace) with someone.I have had thousands of similar conflicts in real life. This time, I allowed myself to absorb the learning rather than simply to react" in the old ,maladaptive way.
I saw my own part in it, which was to become "hard". I went in to a hard shell. In my shell was anger.pain, fear,and revenge. I carried my shell around for a few days. I was hurting. I felt a "stone"
in my chest(on my heart,I think)
The other person sent an olive branch to me b/c I was certainly NOT going to do it. NO way.What was my first amazing lesson was how my body immediately released pain. I felt a sensation of a weight leaving my chest. I was shocked that I had carried this pain and anger so viscerally.
Then,I felt a softening of my emotions. I felt a softness inside ,instead of a hardness.
Then, a book on spiritual healing finally "clicked" in my head. The book talks about the spiritual roots of disease.(A More Excellent Way by Henry Wright). He talks about people having "miracles" when they would let go of hatred and bitterness.
I could see, with my heart, just what he was talking about.
I made a commitment .then. to be Gods kid. God wants us to come to Him as a "child"-not a know it all, or a fearful person,or a 'smart" person. He wants the humility of a kid to his father.
I saw how I was choosing the path that was killing me. I was choosing to HATE my M. I resented my F. I Hated my H. Meanwhile, these emotions were KILLING ME.
When I wrote about my F last night, I was very angry. I was ready to cut him off. However, an "impression"( a Scripture) came to me. It was"When at ALL possible,be at peace with ALL men."
I ,almost missed it b/c I was so enraged. Today,I saw that no one can MAKE me hate. No one can make me have the myriad of emotions that are out of God's will- like depression, fear etc.
I saw that when I CHOSE to allow hate in,I was letting all the other corrosive emotions in to destroy me. This is so big to me. I had to share it and would love to hear your comments. Thank you for allowing me to be here, friends. You and Dr G have saved my life Love Ami
