Hurting and Need to Vent

[sun blue]

Thank you all for your support and responses!

Lighter:

TO answer your question, neither my brother or I have anything to do with my Nsister so we don't speak to her.  But my guess is she is absolutely "loving" it.  Her goal always was to get all the attention of my parents and now she has it.  There were times in the past few years where she made ridiculous attempts with me by sending me birthday and Christmas gifts which I made clear I did not want.  The first time she did this (she sent them so I didn't see her), I planned to send them back to her with a courteous but firm note stating that because of the circumstances I did not think gift giving was appropriate and that if she was interested in some kind of reconciliation with my brother and I, the next step should be some sort of dialogue.  Well, when I began to box up the gifts, my Nmom FLEW into a rage and ordered my co-dependent dad to grab the gifts from my hands at which point she tore open the wrapping paper and stored the gifts away from me so I couldn't send them back.  She screamed at me, "I WILL NOT LET YOU HURT HER!!!!!".....Well, I was obviously floored and hurt and disgusted.  Anyway, my Nsister made a few other attempts of this kind (usually at Christmas) but since I live with my parents because of my job situation, I learned the best way to handle it was just to ignore the gifts and not say anything.  My Nmom stores the unopened gifts (or sometimes she opens them herself) in the basement.

My Nsister has never made any attempts to reconcile with my brother (even when he initially made attempts).  So my guess is she is absolutely thrilled that in effect, she is now the only child in my parents lives.  My sister is very evil and manipulative.  Because she refused to be in the same room with my brother and his family after she was not selected godmother, my brother and I tried to adopt a fair holiday "schedule".  Well, of course, when it came to her turn, the Nsister refused to oblige.  The result is that literally once a year, my Nmom and co-dependent dad deign to spent part of Christmas Eve with my brother, his family and myself.  Well last year, my Nsister calls on Christmas eve morning claiming some crisis and my parents RUN to her rescue, without so much as a phone call or note.  The result was that my Nmom slipped on my Nsister's kitchen floor and broke her hip.  She was in the hospital on Christmas Day and for a whole week.  My brother and I were extremely angry about this turn of events.  We had a bad snowstorm that holiday but I called every day to see how she was and to ask when I could come see her (when my Nsister wouldn't be there because she is very volatile and controlling).  Well, my dad said he could let me know but never did.  I felt guilty for a long, long time about this.  My brother didn't because he said that once again they made their choices.

So, that's along answer to the question but suffice it to say my Nsister is extremely manipulative and evil and her goal has always been to be the center of my parents' lives which she is now.  She gets them every weekend, every holiday, every vacation, every night on the phone with my Nmom. 

So what do you do with a situation like this?  How do you make it ok, at least ok enough to accept it?  My therapists have always tried to tell me that it is not personal, that it is not something lacking in me that causes them to make the choices they have.  But I internalize it and blame myself.  My thinking there must be something wrong with me otherwise they would want to take an interest in me.....They chose one child (the bad, Nchild, no less) over the other two.  How is that not personal?

Thanks again for all your support and responses.

[lighter]

I'm more concerned about your feeling that your healthier brother is pulling away from you.

You still live with your parents?

Sorry if that's wrong but..... I think I remember it that way?

It sounds like you have to let the family that's really your family..... be enough. 

Your brother and his wife.... their children.

I'm not sure I follow why everything blew up....

your sister was passed over as Godmother and she began a war with your brother.

Your mother and father seemed to side with her and you ended up where in all this?

Doesn't matter so much I guess..... bc no matter what the circumstances.... they don't allow you to have your feelings or voice.

That's a problem and there's no room for you there.... just your obedience and silence.

I don't think you can be happy in that space... so what to do, what to do?

You invite new people into your life and enjoy the people who care about you.

You limit contact with the N's and try to keep your emotional distance..... go into observer mode when you're with them.... and try to be amused, rather than gutted, when you recognize the crazy things they do and identify it.

I have my own Holiday nightmares.

It's hard to sit up straight and contemplate yours when I think about it...... but it sounds like you have to make some changes for your sanity and happiness.

THEY aren't going to change, that's for sure.

They require you buy into their perceptions or they rage and punish..... ((Sun)) I'm so sorry about that.

It's not fair....

It's emotional terrorism.

When it comes from the people you should be able to trust and rely.... people who should be protecting adn keeping you safe..... it's almost too much to bare.

It sounds like it's sneaking up on you though.

[sun blue]

Hi Lighter:

Just thought I'd respond to your questions with a quick synopsis of my family.  Growing up, my Nsister wanted nothing to do with me ever and abused my verbally, physically and emotionally.  Instead, she took our younger brother under her "wing" and had a fairly close relationship with him.  That changed when he became engaged.  She backed out of being in the wedding party at the very last minute at his wedding because she was upset that she couldn't choose the dress.  Instead, she and my Nmom were "united" at the wedding (my mom made it clear she was not in favor of it) and dressed identically in "pretty in pink" ensembles.  My Nsister then wrote my brother a truly blistering and hateful letter filled with profanity and accusations of how stupid he was for getting married which she included in his wedding card.  A few years later when my brother and his wife had a little girl, they made a decision to not choose her as godparent of their child for valid reasons (they wanted a married couple who believed in God and practiced their faith, neither of which applied to my Nsister).  As a sidenote, there were four siblings between my brother and his wife and obviously there could only be one godmother.  When my brother made this decision, the Nsister disowned him and his family, refused to attend the christening, tore up the baby picture he mailed into tiny little pieces and mailed it back to him, and ultimately refused to be in the same room with him or his family for any reason.  My brother made legitimate attempts to talk this out with her, but she flew into a violent rage and refused to discuss it reationally.

Since then, my Nmom and correspondingly, co-dependent dad have sided with my Nsister and spend all their time with them.  I truly believed my Nsister was as wrong as wrong can be and likewise for my parents who sided with her.  I couldn't understand why they wouldn't at the very least remain neutral and stay out of it, thus allowing for some semblance of a family.  Instead, they chose.  And they chose the Nsister.  As it is now, my brother and I are lucky if my parents deign to spend one Christmas Eve a year with us.  The rest of the time they devote to my Nsister.  Like I said earlier, they won't even call my brother to wish him a happy birthday.  They also tell everyone they know how much they "looooovee" their only grandchild, yet they don't spend any time with her.  No phone calls, no trips to the zoo, no nothing.  They do buy presents.  They're good at that.  Partly because my Nmom just likes to shop. 

My niece is now 11 years old so this is going on for longer than that.  When I pushed my dad to explain his behavior, he claimed that he had "no choice" in the matter because my sister is "sick".  (She has never seen a doctor or therapist since she is afraid they'll call her "crazy" which she claims she is not.  She is not on meds and has never sought real help in any way.  My parents, of course, enable her bad behavior).

So, my brother has accepted this sad situation and appears to have moved on.  He is happily married with one child and his in-laws, his wife's entire family and friends and neighbors.  It seems to me he is distancing himself from me and that does hurt a lot.  He doesn't understand how I feel because he's all about being logical and practical.  Like I said, it's easier to distance yourself when you're still left with people who love you.  He is a very, very good husband and father and is completely devoted to his family and home.  That leaves no time for me.  Perhaps he can't deal with my clinical depression which is hard.  Perhaps he can't deal with emotions or sadness or just the bad experiences I've had in my life.  Perhaps it's easier to look the other way.  But if I were really honest, I'd have to say I need him much more than he has ever needed me.  That is definitely a pattern in my life.

It is heartbreaking and sad and really lonely.  Yes, I live with my parents because I am unemployed and despite my determined efforts, have not found a job.  I had an interview last week and will have two more this week but the end result always seems to be the same.

So, that's my situation in a nutshell, how it came to be, etc.  My co-dependent dad never stood up for me even when my Nsister was abusing me growing up.   I used to have to study in our walk-in closet because she was so abusive to me (we had to share a room our entire childhood).  His comment always would be directed to me, "Oh, just get along with her for your mother's sake."  Get the picture? 

I once coerced him to go to one therapy session with me to help him understand my depression and what I was going through.  He told her he didn't believe in therapy and that if my brother and I just went along with things, our family could have been intact.  Essentially, if we did everything my Nmom and Nsis always wanted, then things would be just great.  I feel a bit guilty about that.  But what kind of life would that be?

Sigh.  Anyway, that's it in a nutshell.  It makes me want to scream and cry at the same time.  I wished I had someone who cared about me....or at least understand why they don't.

Thanks again for responding.  IT is so good to hear from other people who "get" this.

 

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
  I really hear the pain.It is palpable in your voice.You have been treated horribly.I am so sorry.
(((((((((((((((((((((Sun))))))))))))))))))))))))))                      Love   Ami

PS---Maybe your B  wants to "forget" about the family and all the pain.Maybe your relationship with him reminds him of all the other interactions.That is a possible explanation why he is not "closer'" to you. Just a thought

[lighter]

Sun... the first thing I want to say is.....

it's a sad sad thing when parents help make the strong siblings stronger.....

and keep the weak children weak.

You're not the weak child in this scenario and your parents aren't doing your sister any favors by enabling her to be, what sounds more like a Borderline Personality Disorder to me.

Your father tells you that you should regurgitate the party line and keep your 'sick' sister cloistered in her craziness..... indulge her behavior and don't make waves.....

that's just crazy talk

You see that now.

I wish Write was still here.... I miss her and she has such wonderful information on dealing with chemical imbalances.

Hard to say what you're dealing with.  Are you on meds?

Do they help?

Are you dealing with symptoms or are you now facing the problem?

I can't tell if you're depression is situational or chemical.... combination maybe?

Do you know?

Sorry if you already wrote about it.... sometimes I miss things.

From outside looking in..... it looks like you're figuring out some pretty important family dynamics and trying to decide how to live with it.

I see you in therapy..... mourning and grieving over the loss of the family you always wanted to have..... making peace with the fact that you'll never ever have it from your sister, mother and father but....

turning towards your brother and his family.... all of them, in laws and friends and neighbors..... to find true belonging and peace.

It won't be easy. 

Lots of ups and downs on the way to feeling better.

I just don't see any way to keep the connection you have with your parents..... at least not the way it is.

I see you withdrawing with love......

Maybe it's this turmoil your struggling with that keeps your brother distanced from you?

Not you.

You're still embroiled and he's detached himself.

Just a thought... must run..... hugs.

[sun blue]

Thanks Ami and Lighter.....

Yes, I do have clinical depression but even the docs can't tell you if it's biological or situational.  Usually, they'll tell you it's probably a combination of the two.  I'm on meds but they don't help a whole lot.  I've tried about two dozen different med combinations.  This current one helps a little with the energy level but not with the sadness or depression.  I've been suicidal and hospitalized before (awhile ago).  I'm not in therapy right now because of insurance issues.  When I was in therapy, it seems that the counselors don't take the whole NPD diagnosis and its effects on a family very seriously.

I once had a reader tell me that my parents are not self-aware people and cannot look at their lives.  Their need to be right is more important than anything in life, even their children (at least two of them).

[isittoolate]

I once had a reader tell me that my parents are not self-aware people and cannot look at their lives.  Their need to be right is more important than anything in life, even their children (at least two of them).

The above  appears to be true.
You need a therpist who understnads NDP. Some therapists don't.
Your mother, father and sister will never change. Think of it that way. NEVER! EVER!
It sounds as though you are quite young----- well in comparison to my 68 years and still learning. I sure wish I had more time ahead to fix things.

Your brother has taken a stand and is sticking with it. Do you doubt his 'normality'? From what you say, I don't and he wants nothing to do with the aforementioned 3 co-horts -------and you live with them?---or am I wrong?

Now it's you and you alone who must do what is necessary to make you happy. If you went to live with your brother, it would be interference!

I gather, you are unemployed (try to get a job) but you ought to get out and have your own life. The entire family then would be in THREE parts.

You do not depend on ANY family member at all, NOW and you do what makes you happy----not anyone else. (I noted you pushed and pushed for the brother's birthday---any chance you upset him?--made him think you were like the controlling N mother?  Living with an N can have an effect that one might not notice--N-ism will rub off on others. That's how manipulative they are! Protect yourself and hoof it on your own, get what you want for yourself.

Expect nothing from your parents and sister.  Expect ??? from your brother, but expect 100% of everything from your own self.

Good Luck

Izzy

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[lighter]

I can't treat you, I don't know about these things and the best I can do for you is just shoot straight about my view from way over here..... looking in.

I think that your depression is probably mostly situational, considering your family, their denial, emotional terrorism, your dependence on them for emotional support you don't get and the fact that the drugs don't seem to make a big difference.

I think you need to treat the problem.... not the symptoms... but just an opinion.... not professional by any means.

I can just imagine the heaviness you live under at your parent's home.  Daunting.....

And you're still hoping to be understood..... be accepted...... not be persecuted..... or attacked.

::Shaking head::

I don't think there's any way for you to live healthy and happy in that environment.

Nothing shocking about your depression...... I think that's normal under the circumstances, don't you?

I'm back full circle to giving up hope and accepting your family's limitations for what they are.... nothing personal or because of you.

They're broken and they can't be fixed.

You're not broken.... you just need to adjust your expectations and begin protecting yourself, setting boundaries and tending to your responsibility of self care. 

How in the world will you do that with people passing judgement on you and lableing you negative things that are designed to throw everyone off so they don't see clearly what's really going on.....

what they're doing.

Scapegoating you.

I guess they think you're strong enough to take it. 

They certainly don't think your sister is.

My guess?

You are stong enough.... but you should take that strength and use it to make some changes.

As scary as that is..... I think it's the place you start. 
 
I' sorry this is so long.... just my train of thought following it's logical path.

WHat do you think about the depression and how you're living?

What do you think your emotional health would be affected if you weren't living with all that insanity daily?

Things wouldn't magically POOF! be perfect but you could at least focus on replacing certain things with people and activities that build you up..... and don't tear you down.

(((Sun)))  You're so young..... some people don't begin to face this kind of truth till they're much farther along in life..... with much larger problems and the responsibility of children is on them.

Take a step back and assess..... this is your journey. 

It can get much better..... you can continue making discoveries that set you free..... maybe some of this is chemical.... maybe you just need a little anti anxiety chemical and not the other?  I don't honestly know... I just throw things out there and you think about it and take what makes sense. 

What do you have passion for?  I don't think I;ve seen you talk about that yet.