Listening

[Leah]

A dear friend came across this today and kindly emailed it to me, and straightaway, it so resonated with my thoughts and feelings regarding listening skills.
 
Some time ago I sat with pen and paper jotting down my heartfelt experiences and thoughts on the subject of 'listening.'

Anyway, just thought I would share it with everyone here.

Love,

Leah



Listening

You are not listening to me if
you have the answer to my worries before I tell you what they are.

You are not listening to me if
you say you understand before I have told you enough to be able to understand.

You are not listening to me if
you finish my sentences for me.

You are not listening to me if
you interrupt me.

You are not listening to me if
you find me boring.

You are not listening to me if
you tell me about your worries and experiences, making mine seam trivial.

You are not listening to me if
you are talking or listening to someone else.

You are not listening to me if
you cannot wait to tell me something.

You are not listening to me if
you are concerned about my vocabulary, grammar, accent, speech impediment, quietness or loudness.


You are listening to me if
you give me enough space to discover for myself what is happening around or within me.

You are listening to me if
you do not take my worries from me but allow me to deal with them in my own way.

You are listening to me if
you curb your inclination to give me sound advice.

You are listening to me if
you allow me the dignity of making my own decisions, no matter how wrong you think they are.

You are listening to me if
you can hear my point of view even if it is contrary to your own sincere convictions and beliefs.

You are listening to me if
you genuinely try to understand me even when I am confused or confusing.

You are listening to me if
you care for me, not matter what I tell you.

You are listening to me if
you have come quietly into my secret world and let me be myself.

[Leah]

Will most likely post it on the 'What Helps' board at some point.  Leah

[Poppy Seed]

Love it, Leah!! 

I used to tell stuff to my N mil and think she had the ability to listen.  I know!  I know!  How stupid was I?? 

I think that this is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.  To truly listen!!!

Thank you!
Poppy

[Leah]

Love it, Leah!! 

I used to tell stuff to my N mil and think she had the ability to listen.  I know!  I know!  How stupid was I?? 

I think that this is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.  To truly listen!!!

Thank you!
Poppy

Oh yes, Poppyseed, yes indeed, listening is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to each other - and its free too!

Personally, after much thought and reflection, I feel that listening gives value and a sense of worth to a person.

Especially from personal experience, whereby no-one listened to what I was actually saying, or had to endure exasperating
preemptive responses,  resulting in my withdrawing, with feelings of hopelessness and despair, ultimately feeling unworthy.

So with that said, I just need to ensure that my listening skills are a gift to someone - and not a pain!

Love,

Leah


Edit:  Oh and I have learned not to open up and pour out my heart and soul to everyone - as the lack of listening or boredom!
was so upsetting and soul destroying - used to be so desperate for someone to hear my voice - hence why I searched and found this board ... 'voicelessness'

Voicelessness from childhood all through womanhood - and now, forever giving thanks that God had heard my voice.

In my heart I carry the 'Footprints' poem

Leah x

[Ami]

Very wonderful points,Leah. Thanks so much                             Ami

[Certain Hope]

Thank you for sharing this, Leah    It's lovely... and ideal for the *What Helps board*, too!

I know that each and every one of us here in our household needs to practice these skills in order to truly be kind listeners of one another, so I'm gonna print this and post it on the frig as a reminder. (I'm especially bad about finishing my kids' sentences  )
Especially I love the picture of entering quietly into each others' private worlds and letting everyone be him/her-self!

((((((((Leah))))))))

With love,
Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

I was thinking that it is also a benevolent gift we give ourselves.

Last night, my H came home from work with feelings towards his mother flowing out.  He locked himself if the computer room and typed for hours. He had never given a voice to those feelings before.   He printed it all out and re-read and re-read.  It was like he was listening to himself for the first time.  He then felt SOOOO much guilt for having these feelings towards his mother.  He said he was so harsh and so mean.  I read his pages.  I felt like I was talking to an anerexic person saying that they were too fat.  I was touched by how gentle he was with his honesty.  It was the first time I have ever seen him validate himself at that level before.  As we talked, I could see he was asking for a place at the table to be seen and heard and known and appreciated.  Not silenced and imprisoned and dismissed and suppressed so others can feel good. 

Listening to self, in the way you describe, is a very good thing!

Pops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Pops,

That is awesome about your husband's flowing feelings... as difficult and painful as it is, I know that you all will be blessed by the release of these ancient toxins. I think that he is a very, very brave man.
You know, I wouldn't even have had a clue how to identify some of my own feelings, much less let them loose, if I hadn't felt safe enough with my husband to know that he wouldn't use them against me. Your H must know that in his heart about you... and that is a very special gift from God, imo. I hope it's okay to say... I just really have the highest expectant hopes for your family : )... but then, I always have had.
Someplace on the board I saw your greeting to me... thank you for that I'm "finding" myself these days. At times I'm far less than satisfied with what appears in my viewfinder, but God gives me assurance that He is not weary of my slowness in apprehending... so mostly I'm just very, very grateful. Still smoke-free... not feeling the greatest as far as energy levels or motivation, but that feels more like a spiritual attack than a physical condition... so I'll keep my nose in the Word and continue guarding my heart.
OH! I will be going to work part time for our local schools, beginning next week...part time clerk... so I'm excited about that. To have the same schedule as my children is a huge blessing and the timing is ideal, as always, to help cover the cost of dental work and... whew, do we ever need a new mattress set (part of my current issue = back/muscle aches). SO - that's the news

As I read you across the board here, Pops, I hear a new lilt in your voice and that always makes me smile... just wanted you to know that.
It's always a pleasure to read you.

Much love to you, Sis
Carolyn

And (((((((((((Leah)))))))))))) Thank you, Sister, for allowing me to post again here, off topic this time... I hope you're having the very most blessed day. No school till Monday, so I'll be hoppin around here

Much love and more hugs,
Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

Leah,
I try to carry the Footprints poem in my heart.  I struggle with it.  Isn't that strange......?  But I do thank God that he hears and answers my prayers.  I am learning the wisdom in why he has let me struggle for so long. 

You know, I didn't realize how voiceless I had really been and had become.  I think when I started to listen to myself and give myself a voice here, I really started to gain courage.  Most of my efforts are practice.  And I fumble often as I try to listen to the parts of myself that are authentic and the parts of me that are still defensive, or coping, or pretending.  Like I said on my other thread.....I am sorting.  And listening to my inner self and trusting that voice is my greatest tool, some days.

I love the poem.  I read it to my H.  He said, "It is perfect."  He wants to send a copy to his Nmother. 

Carolyn,

Good heavens!  He is a very brave man!  He is determined to talk to his mother and try and find a way to help her listen to his feelings.  He tried today over email.  She said how much she wanted to listen.  And then when he shared one feeling with her, she retracted and dismissed him.  He then received an email from his father explaining how sad she was at his email.  Very frustrating.  She gets her H to do her communicating for her and my H feels dismissed again!  He is determined, as I said, to talk to her.  He doesn't really care that she receives the information.  He feels like he needs to say it in order to set himself free.  This is huge!!!

It is so good to talk to you.  I haven't heard from you in a few days.....I missed you voice and warmth.  I am glad to hear every update on your situation.  Good tidings on the smoking front.  Wonderful!  And on the job front too.  I think that your new employment sounds perfect for your situation.  And I love mattress shopping.  I finally forked out the 3 grand on a mattress in an attempt to save my back.  It was the best thing I ever did.  And we upgraded to King Size!  Which means if a kid invades in the middle of the night, we can all still get some sleep!

I do feel better!  Thanks for noticing!  I have been working so hard.  I am not the smartest tool in the shed and I am sure most of this healing stuff is lost on me.  But I am making progress.  That feels really good.  For a while there, I was feeling pretty bleak!  Lighter asked me in an earlier thread if I ever feel so happy to just be alive.  I couldn't answer yes.  But I have made that one of my goals.  Next time she asks me, I want to shout a definitive YES!

Much love to you always!  You are so dear to me!
Poppyseed