Where Can We Fall?

[Ami]

I am so tired. . I realized that I can't carry my M with me anymore. She is a three year old.
 I am carrying a fantasy world with me. I wanted to be wrapped up in some type of 'safety" even if it was fantasy.
  Now, I realize that I am alone. I am really  afraid.
 I am alone with all this crazy thinking.I guess it is time to get rid of the crazy thinking.           

[tayana]

Am,

I know exactly how you feel.  Maybe you should try just writing a letter to your M, a good bye letter.  You don't have to send it, just write down all the things you wish you could say and include all the crazy thinking you want to get rid of, then just let it go.

I've done this, and it did help.

We've got to let go of this crazy thinking, no matter what other people tell us.  Crazy thinking has no place in the lives of emotionally healthy people.  We've got to let it go.  Think about good things, healthy things, and let it go.

[Poppy Seed]

Holy Smokes, Ami!   You have done so much work.  GOOD GOOD work!

Where are you at on letting your mother go? or maybe the past or I don't know.  Sounds like to me you are getting closer and closer to the letting go edge.

Pops

[Poppy Seed]

Sorry just one more thought......

You ever watch the show "Men in Trees"?  If you haven't, it is a story about a Marin who left NY to live in Alaska. In one episode, she was trying to release all of her pent up pain and trying to let go and move on.  She wrote all her worries and pain and baggage onto rocks with a marker and then hiked to the top of the mountain and threw them all over a cliff.

Wonder if that works.......

For me it has been more like taking them out of my backpack and placing them on the ground, spending a moment saying goodbye to all of it, and walking away with the commitment that I don't need to look or go back and pick them up anymore.

Just thoughts............

Hope your day is happy, Ami.

Pops

[Ami]

Thank you Tayana, Poppy, and Amber,
   I think that I can  rest  my emotions and body.I am so exhausted today.
  I let go of the albatross that was  around my neck since age 14---I think.
  Now, maybe my heart can tell me about life-rather than my M. Already I have learned some heart lessons. Some of them ,I used to know.I think that I can SEE again-- with my own eyes and feel with my own heart.
  Now, maybe I can begin developing from where I left off----- age 14.  Oy--- What a ride!               Ami
   
.

[Poppy Seed]

I'm defining "letting go" these days as a close relative of forgiveness. Things happened, we said/did/believed things we shouldn't have. Letting go for me is realizing that it's not possible to make any of that different, now... it's not possible to repair, build new bridges, or do much of anything in my relationship with my mother -- she still holds all the cards because she can't fathom that I'm not who she thinks I am. Doesn't make me angry; just the way it is.


Dear Shunned,

This is a sad reality.  I think I am coming to this with my own situation.  I think there is part of me that still hopes for the repair....hopes that someone will listen and understand......and perhaps realize that I am not who they think I am.  Maybe that is what prolongs my pain....my inability to let go of the hope.  I am learning not to try so hard anymore to fix things or to negotiate solutions.  It all seems to bite me in some unforseen way.  I am learning to detach.  It is difficult to come to these determinations.  You sound like you have managed some form of peace in this area.  Good for me to see.  I am still learning how forgiveness plays a role.  I have, for the most part forgiven them for the pain, but I certainly don't trust them and still require different behavior before I let them close again.  Hmmm.....the clarity on this will come to me someday.

Poppy

[Certain Hope]

Pops,

I am thinking that we really need to approach toxic people as though they're addicts.
In cases like what we discuss here, it seems these people are addicted to cutting us down in order to build themselves up!
So... although I can forgive the ones who do this to me and I can pray for the very best for them, I am not going to expect anything to be different simply because I want it to change. I feel like the very best I can hope to accomplish by laying down firm boundaries with control freaks (which is really what this is about, I think) is to frighten them into compliance... and I'm not interested in playing Fear Factor, you know?  Love and acceptance and gentleness and forgiveness are all integral points of the Christian walk... and so is putting out from the midst of you the unruly "brethren", the scorner and mocker... and if that description doesn't fit NPD, I dunno what does.
Just a few thoughts...
Love to you,

Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

Shunned and Carolyn,

"Yes" to both of you.  I think for me, I am coming to some realizations....realizations that I find intellectually easy but in practice difficult to master.

I can forgive but I don't have to trust.

I can love without expecting my needs will get met.  I can let go of my need to have them met by others.

I can protect myself and erect boundaries and still be faithful in my Christian walk.

I can distance myself from toxic people and situations and emotional controls and refuse to participate and sacrifice myself to them just to keep the peace or keep the relationship conflict free.

Maybe it is learning to hate the sin but love the sinner.  Maybe it is learning what true love really is.  Maybe it is learning to be long suffering and meek and not easily offended, while still giving myself permission for healthy protections.  It is ok to defend oneself without becoming mean and unfeeling (even though a boundary may feel like a wrecking ball to another person.)

It is learning what I sacrifice of myself and what I don't .

I feel like I have learned these lessons backwards and if I can just get myself turned around.....then I can fly right!