Of all the things . . .

[tayana]

My mother called my son at his daycare today to ask him if he had a coat.  Did she call here and leave a message for me?  No.

She didn't even know which daycare he's at.  She had to look it up.

Now, I have to worry about her showing up at school to pick him up.  Or at the daycare where the security is not as tight as it should be.

I don't know what she told him.  I can guess from the way he acted she must have told him not to say anything to me.

Arrrrghhh!  I am SO mad.  I would never keep him from talking to her if he asked, but he doesn't say anything.  We're going to have a talk later, M and me, and I'm going to explain as best as I can.  I'm not playing this game.

[lighter]

I know you'll handle it well. 

How dare she pull that?


The NERVE!

She seems to be coming a bit unraveled, if you ask me.

Not having you to bounce around..... provide whatever comfort that was for her..... isn't easy for her to let go of. 

Maybe it'll get a whole lot worse?

Maybe she'll do something really stupid?

The fact that you worry, at all, about her taking him from school/daycare is enough to make my antenna go up.

[Ami]

I think that your  M is on an escalation battle.I think that it might get worse before it gets better. Do they sell battle gear on e bay?
                                                                                                       Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Tay,

Will the school support your requests to keep certain calls and visits from your son?  I would think that any caller other than those on an approved list should be screened.  Sounds like they need to be reminded of their responsibilities.  No daycare should be lax when it comes to security.  

She is relentless.  Isn't she?  It is such a boundary crossing thing to do.  So violating!  When my mil messes with my kids, steam comes out of my ears!!!! Does she know you are cutting her out?  or are you doing it quietly?  Your vigilance will pay off, I hope.  Maybe she will get tired and call off the dogs.  But they say it gets worse before it gets better, right?

Love, Pops

[tayana]

And it gets better!

I talked to him while we were having dinner and just explained that my mom called me and screamed at me and hurt my feelings.  I told him he was welcome to use the phone to call his grandma anytime he wanted. 

Here's what he told me:

He said he told her he got a hamster, and she said, "That's great" in a sarcastic voice.

He said she told him she loved him, and then when he said he'd come out to visit her, she told him he couldn't come out because her and I didn't get along..

I asked his how that made him feel and he said, "weird."  I asked him if it hurt his feelings.  At first he said no, but then he said "a little."

So now, not only am I keeping him away from her, but she doesn't even want to see him.

It's just unbelievable.

Pops, I think I may call the school and make certain of their policy about him going home with someone besides me.  I've been quietly cutting her out, just not talking to her.  She won't ever let me have a word in edgewise when I talk to her, so I just decided not to talk.  It's going to get worse.  I'm sure of it.

Lighter, my brother and I think she's losing it.  I'm scared to leave M with her when she acts like this.  I'm scared of the sorts of things she's going to say or do.

[Ami]

Wow Tayana,
  I feel like it will escalate. Hold on----it could be a "ride". It shows that she was desperate to keep you "down" all these years. When you got strong, she freaked out. What a horrible tug of war!
  Do "normal" people go through this???                                            Ami

[finding peace]

Tay,

I think everyone here is right - it is very likely escalate. 

Hang in there - try to maintain NC if you can.

Do you think it would help to set a short-term goal for yourself?  Maybe say - ok 1 week (or 1 month) or whatever you think is workable.  Make a commitment to yourself that you will give that time to you and M only – you both so deserve that time.   Think of it as giving yourself a vacation from your Mother.  Promise yourself not to think about her at all.  Everytime a thought creeps in – shut it down.  Set the time limit, when the time is up, reassess and set another time limit for yourself.... 

When I went NC it was really hard at first.  It helped me to think of NC in short time intervals.  I allowed myself the break, and then would allow myself another break…. It has been about a year now - and it has been the most peaceful time in my life - it gets easier with time.  And, IMO, you and M really need this time for each of you as individuals and together as a family.

You wrote:

He said she told him she loved him, and then when he said he'd come out to visit her, she told him he couldn't come out because her and I didn't get along..

This made me very angry.  It takes a lot to make me angry – but this, oh yes, this did it.  IMO, this is a boundary that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE has a right to cross.  This is an epitaph moment.  She just tried to drive a wedge between you and your son by speaking badly of you to him.  No one, but no one, tries to drive a wedge between my child and me – or vice versa.  Nope.  That, for me, would be the absolute deal breaker.  This can seriously harm a child’s mental well being – they don’t have the wherewithal at that age to understand, and this is the type of action that can haunt for a lifetime. 

OOhhhh - She just stepped way over a line that you do not cross with me.

I am so sorry if this sounds harsh Tay.  Your mom reminds me a lot of mine (that ugly, manipulative behavior) - she really triggers me. 

I am sending you so much strength and many, many hugs – hang in there.  I have been there – it does get easier with time.

(((((((Tay))))))))
Peace

[tayana]

Ami, FP, I agree, it's going to get worse.  I'm going to attempt to talk to my father on Sunday morning while he is at the flea market.  That's the only time I might be able to talk to him without my mother around.  I'm not actually going there.  I'm just going to call him.  I'm going to tell him about this incident, and how my mom told M he couldn't go out there because of me.  Quite honestly, I'm afraid to let him be around her without someone else there.  I don't know what she'll do, and I just don't trust her.

FP, this incident just drove home how important NC is right now.  I didn't want to talk to her this weekend.  It makes it very hard for me because M is out of school a lot this month, so I'm not sure what i"m doing for childcare yet.  I'm going to try a full day at the daycare, my sister-in-law thinks her sister might help me out.  I think I'm just going to take a couple of vacation days one week since I already have a long weekend.  M and I could go do something if the weather's nice or just have a nice time at home.

Telling M he couldn't visit because of me was an absolute deal breaker.  I was willing to work at a relationship before today, but not anymore.  I'm done.  She's made it clear she thinks I'm the devil's spawn, and i'm not playing anymore.  I told my brother that I am just so tired of all of this BS.  I'm so pissed over having to play stupid games, and I'm not doing it anymore.  I don't care what I have to do.  NC stays in place.  I told my brother that I don't know what to do about the holidays.  I was thinking that i needed to do my shopping, but I didn't really want to.  I don't want anything to do with my mother, and any enthusiasm I felt for the holidays is totally gone now.

[changing]

Hi Tayana-

Please forgive me if anything I say seems worng or offends you, but I feel compelled to tell you what I see in this scenario.

Your NM has already taken your identity and stolen your precious name , besmirching it with debt and lies. I fear that she is doing much the same thing with your precious son. Your son is your responsibility, and you must do what is right for him, which may not always be what is most pleasant for you both or what your fantasy life would be.

It seem that your NM  might be terribly diseased and a hazard to you, your son, and your home. It is sad that your son may have to live without the fantasy of a good granny- it is not sad for you to protect him from the reality of a dangerous granny. You want everything normal for your son, but you cannot make your vicious NM into a healthy person. It is not within your power. She however, can wreak havoc in your life and the life of your son in unthinkable proportions if you let her.

Tay, stay the course. Be strong and protect your son and home, and don't let NM steal and destroy anymore- you do not have that right, your responsibility is to your son above all. Be strong.

Love and peace,

Changing

PS- If this seems harsh or not fitting to you , please throw my post in the trash heap.

Love, Changing

[tayana]

Changing, nope it's not harsh at all.  I'm only going to contact my father to tell him I'm done, that I'm not playing anymore.  I might give him the option of getting my mother professional help.  I don't know.  I'm done with the woman though.  I don't want anything else to do with her.  These last two weeks have been so nice and peaceful, even though I cringe when the phone rings, and have a moment of fear when I come home. 

M said my mom called to see if he had a coat since it's gotten chilly here.  Good thing I bought him one.  Looks like I might need to buy him a heavier one this weekend.  Maybe myself too.

She crossed a line this time, and I don't appreciate it.  Like my brother said, me wanting to have my own place and life at 33 is normal.  Her trying to control who I see and what I do and how I do it isn't.

[changing]

Dear Tayana-

I am so sorry that you are such a little jewel whose value is not seen by her mother, and has been hurt so much and so unjustly. I am equally happy that you are valuing yourself and your son, and doing what you know is right to take care of your little family.

I am also excited for you Tayana- without that baleful influence, I know that you will bloom more than you know, and attain the full and joyous life that you deserve!!!

Have fun and get a gorgeous coat!!!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  Just a thought. Compost what does not fit.
  I would be careful of your F. He may betray you,also. I would not have expectations of his helping you. He may even actively "hurt you(emotionally). As she escalates, he may be "forced" to escalate in some manner also(maybe with more "rejection" of you). Just a thought.I hope that I am wrong.I would not put too many( or any) hopes in his support.
  You are doing so well. I bet that you can't even believe  what you "escaped" from . I have you in my thoughts, Tayana.                                 Love   Ami

[cats paw]

Tayana,

  I can only echo all the advice everyone else has given, and send you my best.

cats paw

[tayana]

Changing, thanks for your kind words.  I'm feeling better.  I meant to bring my journal to work so I could post my entry from last night, but I'll get it at lunch.

Ami, I know it's a risk, but I'm going to try it.  And no, I can't believe that I got away, even though my mother seems determined to drag me back.

Cat, thanks.

I called the school this morning to double check their policy on picking kids up.  I don't know that my mother would try, but I wouldn't put it past her. They have to have a parental note, thank goodness.  They won't let a child leave without a note.  I'm going to talk to the daycare people too, and just tell them I'd rather be contacted if anyone tries to call or pick M up from there.

[tayana]

Well, that was a totally unsatisfying conversation.  My dad just called me to tell me that my mother did NOT tell my son that he couldn't go out there.  He said he was sitting there when she called.  He said M misunderstood.

He wanted to know when I planned to go out there, and I said I didn't know.  I told him I was really disgusted with my mother's behavior, and I couldn't handle it anymore.  I explained about the camp situation and how my mom totally blew that all out of proportion, and that now she has this delusion going on that everything I do I'm doing to hurt her.  It's not true.

He didn't offer any advice or comfort.  Total waste of time.