Hi Tay,
Yes it hurts. It hurts deeply.
You may not be in a place where you can hear this right now because of the pain but please keep it in the back of your mind, it may help later.
The shift from guilt to hurt is a good one. Feeling hurt, as unbelievable as this will sound, is a good sign.
Guilt rises out of a feeling of having done something wrong. Hurt arises from having been wronged. It was the pain of the realization of how deeply I was betrayed that gave me the impetus to pull myself out of that toxic situation. In retrospect, I realize that without that pain, I would have stayed in the guilt stage having my buttons pushed and jumping through the endless hoops to try and make them happy – which will never happen.
Without that hurt, I would not have found the strength to say enough, no more. My life is mine. You have stolen my childhood, you have stolen my young adult life. No more – the rest of my life is mine.
It took awhile for me to work through the hurt – then the anger hit (I call it the black rage). I don’t know if this will be the same with you, but something that might come up. If the anger comes, use it. Use it to strengthen that determination to stay NC.
As far as your father saying that M must have misunderstood. My first reaction was puh-leaasssseeeee. I am sorry I hope that doesn’t offend. What possible reason would M have for saying something like that? I have no doubt he (your son) told you the truth.
As far as the days you need to find coverage for M. Do you have any local colleges? You might try contacting them for students who are in early learning education programs or in psychology majors who are looking for part time work. M might benefit, because you would have babysitters trained with Asperger’s and the cost might be reduced, especially if you can work it in with the college as credit for the students. Another resource might be Asperger’s groups. Professional babysitters might also be an option.
You said you don’t trust M to be alone with her. I agree. I never allowed unsupervised visits with my parents.
You also said:
any enthusiasm I felt for the holidays is totally gone now.
I had the same feeling. Last year was the first year that I did not spend the holidays with my FOO, after 40 some odd years. Instead of letting it get me down, I decided that it was going to be the year where we made our own traditions in my real family (h and kids). It was the best and most relaxing holiday I have ever had. And for the first time since I can remember, I am looking forward to the holidays this year.
This could be the first year to start traditions for you and M. Go to the store – have him help you buy decorations and decorate your house. Cook his favorite meal x-mas eve. Or, even go on a trip, just the 2 of you.
If you are worried about gifts for the holiday and want to be prepared just in case – you could get gift cards. If the NC has continued through the holidays (as I pray it will – I am sorry if that sounds harsh - I worry about you and M in contact with your Mother), spend the gift card on you or M, with the knowledge that you have earned that gift (over a lifetime!).
Better yet – I say take the money you would have spent on gifts and put it toward a professional babysitter to stay with M on those days that you don’t have coverage.
Tay – my heart is breaking for you and M. I so understand everything you are going through. It is ugly, there is no way around the ugly except to say it is what it is.
It gets easier with time. You have made so many changes in a short period of time – and have done a wonderful job of it. Please be gentle with yourself right now.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
PS: You said: She's made it clear she thinks I'm the devil's spawn. I had a laugh at this one (dark humor) - my immediate thought was .......guess that makes her the devil – eh?
