Re: New here

[reallyME]

BR:

I don't know where he goes or what he does.  I was tormented by trying to keep the home, family and marriage going.  Always hoping and denying what was really happening.  It was sad and horrible. 
I still don't know where he goes or what he does and don't know if I ever will.  When I think about it, it doesn't matter to me because gone is gone.  Whatever he does when he is gone is his business.  The pain of betrayal and abandonment was my deepest hurt.

I want you to think about something and maybe consider something too.  You say that you don't know where he goes or what he does.  doesn't that bother you at all?  I mean, is he with other women or men?  Could he possibly come home and infect you somehow with an STD?  I don't mean to sound paranoid or maybe I do mean to, but I'm concerned that you are not more hesitant about allowing him to go and do whatever he wants and then come home to you as he pleases.  This might go beyond betrayal and abandonment.  Please take care of yourself and consider what I've shared.

~Laura

[betr4]

I appreciate your reply Laura. Yes it does bother me.  It is a topic that is avoided and when I bring it up he acts as though I am crazy and the one who he has to be careful of.  Says he doesn't know where I've been and turns the whole thing on me.  The only thing that does make sense is that his whole family is so in denial about everything that nothing is ever discussed or acknowledged.
I put myself on hold for so long.  I really don't know but a Christian counsellor who knows the h suggested bisexual.  Or maybe no sex.
Nothing has ever been revealed in all these years and when I get to the end of my tolerance he is totally in (the marriage). 
I tried to doubt but he is always where he says when I do need to contact him (did need to).  So I, at this point, don't know.
It is so very strange, that I never talk to anyone who has the same situation.  I know he is totally split, so I have to let it go and yes, take care of me.
He is totally n and says no one could ever get to him because he thinks other women are beneath him. 
It's almost now like he is just another person out there that it's none of my business what he does or with whomever. 
I need to discuss this so I can get it out of my head so I really appreciate you hearing me. Thanks, BR

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  It took a lot of courage for you to bring up this topic. I know that it took a lot of courage. Also, for you to face this must be really hard, Betsy. I am so sorry                   Love  Ami.

[reallyME]

This is really sad and scary all wrapped in one, BR

I'll be praying for you to find some answers and direction in this.

Blessya,

Laura

[alone48]

I can relate to this topic so well. I was in a relationship with an N for four years. He pursued me and in the begining we had sex a total of two times, he then told me that he couldn't deal with relationships and needed to keep it on a friendship basis. This threw me for a loop and I believe I remained in it alot longer than I knew I should have because I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. If there never had been any intimacy it wouldn't have been so hard. I don't believe he had relationships with anyone else, it was just a way to reel me in and then control. He didn't need the contact. How it plays with our minds though, when you tell people they assume he must be cheating as a normal person would want that contact. I still grapple with how he was so loving for such a short time, what did I do wrong?

[isittoolate]

Hi alone

You did nothing wrong!
~~~and all the while you search for what you must have done wrong---you're becoming crazier.

You've dealt with a Cerebral N. They don't like sex and Ns don't like women in general.

Crazymaking is what you go through.

i.e. N in kitchen when I start lunch---so he knows
says he --oops. has to make a phone call--goes downstairs for an hour.
Do I eat without him, or wait?
1.) I wait and he says I could have eaten without him. Did I need him to spoonfeed my soup?
2.) I don't wait and then he is angry that he has to eat alone and can't I wait for him

So I searched my head for what I was doing wrong about lunch--piddling topic--but true and he had me so crazy over other things, I didn't see it was a no-win situation.

Free for Five
Izzy

[alone48]

Oh that sounds so familiar you can't win no matter what, thanks for the confirmation.

[Hopalong]

Bingo and OW, Alone.

My exNh² wooed and pursued me, sex on the brain.
After a year of marriage he withdrew sex and affection and we had no intimacy for 5 years.
I made myself a bedroom in the "attic" and cried myself to sleep.

Fool me, I stayed 6 years.

Hops

[alone48]

I know that I need to lose weight and I kept thinking that was it, but wait I was the same weight when he pursued me....? It was almost like he knew he had to withhold something to keep me there. I just keep asking myself how I allowed it to happen, as I always felt I was a pretty good judge of character. He ripped my whole world apart and left me questioning the most basic ideas I had. I had told him that it wasn't about sex, it was the intimacy. He continually told me we were the best of friends, but sent very mixed signals.

Everyone kept saying "he's being honest with you and has told you he just wants to be friends", but it was not the message he would send. Do friends call you everyday to say hello and just see how you are. Spend every weekend with you? And then when we would argue, ask me if we were breaking up? Maybe I'm naive, but it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo confusing.

[Hopalong]

Hi 48:

I remember a light going on in my heart when I said to myself one day:

Wait a minute.
This really is not FAIR.
I deserve to be wanted!
I deserve to be in a relationship where I don't feel uncertain all the time.
I deserve to spend my precious time with someone who is emotionally generous with me!
I deserve affection!
I am a perfectly loveable, good person and this man is acting out his damage by hurting me!
That's not FAIR and I'm feeling FED UP!

As soon as I started thinking those thoughts, the end began...thank god.

I have never, ever regretted divorcing him.
My only regret was that I didn't shed myself of that horrible recycling of my deepest insecurities SOONER.

If I'm on my own forever it's still light-years better than if I'd stayed with him, begging for crumbs, believing I only deserved to eat them from the floor.

love and think about it, truly think about it until you get just a little ANGRY okay?
Hops

[betr4]

love and think about it, truly think about it until you get just a little ANGRY okay?

I was angry and enraged trying to control this through the years.

Now I am getting angry but in a different way.  Because of what I went through and how long I stayed. I am not so much in it emotionally now and can see what happened.  Hindsight...
Healing is happening.
 I am having to remember that there were other parts to my life so I won't be devestated about this.
Thank you everyone who shared about this.  The confusion is going away.  I appreciate the experiences shared and the wisdom.BR