Anesthetized. I feel anesthetized. This morning I got up at 7:30 to go to choir rehearsal to play during the service in the church I play on Sundays. And one of the choir members said, I was going to slow. The choir director looked at me and I raised my shoulders, like saying that I do not know, I wanted to say I am not the choir director, I do not set the pace, and you go so slowly and you drag me down so badly, but I did not say anything, and kept going, then they said something else and I said I will do whatever you want, and then another member said that way I can say I was told to and that I was a puppet master, then another member said that I was not giving the correct notes, then I said that did not need that job, that I was doing for the pleasure to play for the Lord and if they were not comfortable I did not have to come, then one said I just have a big mouth, and then everybody applauded and said I was doing a great job. Go figure. They are 67 to 70 years old and they behave exactly like my students at the high school.
The point here is that I was not disgusted, I did not fight back, I was anesthetized. I still am. I am so exhausted, that I do not feel. God will help me to continue living. To understand boundaries. Last night I forgot to enforce my boundaries. My son’s girlfriend’s mother called me to invite me to eat. But I play in a church close to her house almost one hour away from mine. I forgot that and I said yes, when I knew I had to be in my house after service, eat with the custodios of my school who invited me previously, and then go back to her place. I forgot CB123 “I will check my agenda and get back to you” I forgot, and I said yes. Then I had to comply. I am exhausted. But the good thing is that seven months ago I did ot have any invitations and now I have invitations to the point that I am exhausted to go to so may people’s houses. Bless the Lord.
