Dissociation

[Lupita]

What do you, friends know, about dissociation?
I think it happens to me all the time. When your spirit is broken repeatedly, you kind of get out of the world, and live if the world does not exist. Like you are in an unreal world and then it seems like you do not have empathy, it is not lack of empathy, it is that you cannot hear or see. You are away, your mind is away and cannot concentrate on reality. Is that it?

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  As I wrote on the other thread, what you describe  is what I call not feeling "real." I became like that at 14. That is why I am on such a quest to get "real" b/c I lived my life from 14 on--- not actually being "there".I went through life as not "me.". I am very,very tired of it. That is my impetus to keep facing the truth--so the false self can die and the real self can emerge. In the real self is joy,fun, vitality, passion, love and freedom.
 I think that dissociation  kicks in from trauma.  We can't help it. I am almost "real' now after a year on the board
    We shut down  our true self and a false self comes out to help us get along in life and protect us from hurt. We concluded that our "real" self got us all the abuse ,so we develop a false self that will be "better" and then maybe we will be loved .So, we become "fake.' We can be "fake" nice or "fake angry or "fake" compassionate or "fake anything. However, the real self is pushed down somewhere inside us.It is banished b/c we believed  that it was "bad"
  However, the false self is numb. We feel "lost". We feel depressed. We need addictions in order to "feel" so we are codependent and addicted to many other things.
  The quest(IME) is to uncover the "real" self. There was never anything ever really wrong with it. We were told that there was by our parents. We wanted to be loved so badly that  we threw it away b/c we were told that it was bad. Think of a child. A child does not need an addiction in order to be happy. They are happy b/c they are "free" and real".
  So, of course ,life did not work for you Lupita (or me) b/c we were not really there. Much of us was still in the past 'reliving" the pain----over and over.
  That is what I am learning from the inner child exercises.All your(my) pain is a "clue" to how you can help yourself. It is a result of "false thinking. When you face it dead on---it will leave b/c it was never true anyway.
  For me, when I share on the board,I am facing the truths of myself and my life. People share back and we both  heal. Then ,we are one step closer to being free and "real'    Love   Ami
 

[Ami]

Dear sjoy,
  As I wrote  about the "false self", I thought that it might be interpreted 'wrong'. I mean ,by the false self, the "lies" that we believed  and then we formed a personality based on the lies. IOW, if you feel worthless, this becomes part of your false self. The lie is that you are worthless and you ,then,  form your  personality on lies.We can have so many lies that make up the false self like we don't deserve love, don't deserve respect, deserve punishment, are less than others, need approval in order to be O.K.
  I was thinking that maybe my explanation might not be clear if you haven't read the inner child books.
  Do you know what I mean,now?                        Ami

[Lupita]

I did not say lack of empathy, but lack of perception of reality. We become bad convarsationists because we do hot have an opinion, we do not think. We learned that if we think we get in trouble. So, we oppres our thoughts. Or so I think. As long as we live with the parent or with the person that is the N.

[lighter]

I get it, Lupita.... you're afraid to have an opinion bc you've been pounded for it in the past.

NOT having an opinion makes you appear boring, though your opinions would be interesting if you felt safe enough to untie the knots and feel your feelings, right?

[Ami]

We learned that if we think we get in trouble


This is what I mean that we are not "free' to be our authentic self. We were beaten down---so we s/times even don't KNOW what we think or feel.
  Our true self is under there.We just have to excavate it(IMO) Also, we have to have the confidence to express it.
                        Love  Ami

[Leah]

We become bad convarsationists because we do hot have an opinion, we do not think. We learned that if we think we get in trouble. So, we oppres our thoughts. Or so I think. As long as we live with the parent or with the person that is the N.

Fear of expression.  Fear of using ones unique authentic voice.

Hence, suppressed voicelessness .....

...... thereby, one would maybe endure a life of fearful oppression.

[Hopalong]

we do tend to keep getting into situations/relationships that are similar to the original abuse, over & over. I think that's because we keep trying to find a way to CHANGE it... work it out... STOP it. Just my theory, though.

Your theory has tons of backing, Amber...I think there's consensus on that.

I think it's a repetition compulsion. I sure had it. Just awful.
Driven by deep deep deep unmet needs.

And it's only when we begin to learn how to meet those needs ourselves that it lets go.

In hindsight I find it extraordinary that 2 marriages and about 6 horrible boyfriends (heartbreak in EVERY case) were what it took.

Kind of an awful truth.
Corollary-wise, I'm just as amazingly grateful that I know what I know...to any degree, it's a gift.

To have company in the knowledge, as here, is priceless.

love
Hops

[Leah]

Lupita,

Today, on the web came across 'Reach Out' site with 2 insightful articles;

'Challenging Negative Self-Talk'  http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=2251

'Common Thinking Errors' http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=2252

Maybe something there that shines a light for you.

Love, Leah