I'll probably be telling my story in bits and pieces as I gain the strength to handle the disclosure.
My mother was a Narcissistic Rageaholic. None of us knew, from one second to the next, what would set her off and start pounding on us, cursing at us, calling us every name one can think of, etc. Her favorite line was: "What would the neighbors think?" At the same time, she thought nothing of talking about these same neighbors as if they were the dirt under her feet.
I was the last born and she let it be known, as long as I can remember, that I was neither wanted nor welcome in her vicinity. She tried, several times, to find ways to throw me away only to have her attempts thwarted by other adults. She would then take her rage and resentment out on me, calling me a "retarded whore". This happened before I was even 13-years-old. When I was in the first grade, I didn't know that I couldn't see well. My Nmother would react to my squinting and holding things close by pounding on me more. My school had to FORCE her to take me to an opthamologist and my visual problem was finally diagnosed. She resented being forced to spend the money on the specialist. When he told her that I had to have glasses, she resented spending the money on that as well since it took money away from her "golden child" (my brother). When we went to get my first pair of glasses, I chose a frame IDENTICAL to what she wore! Was that good enough? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!
I was also born with multiple birth defects that were not diagnosed until I was approaching adulthood. I needed orthodontic work, badly, at age 12. Nmother ignored the need for treatment and used the effects of these birth defects as an excuse to beat on me because my appearance "made her look bad". A lot of these defects could have been surgically corrected while I was a child. Because they were neglected and ignored, they are no longer able to be corrected.
She carefully taught and groomed my brother to join her in her sick games as they both pounded on me because they felt like it. I couldn't even sit in a corner and read in peace without one or both attacking me without warning for no logical reason. My Nmother also spread her poison around the family, convincing everyone that I was a "retarded little whore" that did not belong in HER house. Looking back at what happened, I realize now that she was attempting to "pimp me out" so she could give herself another excuse to get rid of me. When she "pimped me out" to her pedaphile boyfriend, I fought him off until I was old enough to call the police on my own. He got arrested and Nmother flew into an Nrage, attempting to force me to drop the charges because I "deserved what all whores get". I refused so she went to the prosecutor, with her poisonous mouth, and convinced him that I was "too mentally ill to know what I was doing". He NEVER met with me nor made ANY attempt to talk to me and get my side of what happened. My voice was taken away in court! (She was also probably protecting her own !@# because if the truth came out, she would have most likely gone to jail for exposing me to sexual abuse.)
Interestingly, when my brother announced he was moving out to go live with a roommate, the "golden child" quickly learned that he was no longer "golden". Nmother flew into another Narcissistic rage and attempted to beat him into submission with the intent of forcing him to stay with her forever because she considered him her "property". The more she attacked him, the faster he packed and the sooner he left. She attempted to manipulate me into siding with her against him and I told her to "let him go". For the longest time, she continued to act as if her son, my brother, was her "husband" who betrayed her by leaving her and eventually getting married. (It wouldn't surprise me that she demonized her daughter-in-law at every opportunity, hoping that her son would get a divorce and return home.)
Other memories that have surfaced:
My Nmother telling me, to my face, that she never wanted me, that she wanted to abort me and that the only child she ever planned to have was my brother. She's saying this to me, in a very calm, businesslike, almost "flat" tone while I'm still a teenager.
When my next door neighbor, who was my "second mother" suddenly died, she laughed and smirked while punishing me for crying over the death.
When a neighbor's dog died giving birth to the puppy they were going to give me, (the puppy died too), I was punished for crying about that too.
When I was little, I was being pounded on for God-knows-what in front of all the relatives, no explanation, nothing. Because I didn't cry immediately, (shock, I suppose), she pounded me harder. When I did finally start to cry from the pain, her response? "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about!" and proceeded to pound me even harder in front of the relatives. No one bothered to speak up and say: "That's enough!"
More memories:
When I started working on my Associate of Arts degree, I was constantly being told that I was wasting space in the classroom because I was "too retarded to be there"; otherwise my academic endeavors were completely ignored. When my brother started going to a community college on the GI Bill, my Nmother basically CROWED to everyone about how her baby boy was going to college! Her poisonous mouth influenced the other relatives so much that when I sent out my announcements that I was graduating with my Associate of Arts and Science degree, (getting on the Dean's List), then my Bachelor's degree, (President's Scholar, Summa Cum Laude), and Master's degree, NONE of the relatives attended.
When I was still in grade school, I sewed a gingham apron and decorated it with cross-stitch. I put a lot of work into it and designed it with pockets. My Nmother's response to my work was to immediately throw it into the trash while she gloated about the shop project that my brother did. (I retrieved the apron from the trash and hid it and I still have it.) The message from my Nmother at the time was loud and clear. I felt that she was nonverbally telling me that only garbage makes garbage and will always be considered garbage by her. She went so far as to take other people's TRASH and attempted to "gift" that TRASH to me.
One Christmas, when I was still a kid, I got some components, (gumdrop Christmas trees, candy canes, a piece of styrofoam), and made a Christmas sculpture. My Nmother watched me work on it for quite a while. As soon as I finished it, she looked at it with a smirk and then smashed it to pieces, telling me that "only retards play with trash".
When I was about 13 to 14 years old, my school referred my entire family to counseling. One night, when it was my brother's turn to do the dishes, he continued to sit and eat. He continued to take another clean dish out of the cupboard every few minutes while he continued to eat. Nmother ordered me to wash the dishes AND take out the trash because my "brother was busy". The more I washed, the more dishes he continued to dirty up while Nmother watched and smirked. I finally threw down the gauntlet and shouted "That's enough! He can wash his own dishes if he wants to continue to eat after dinner is supposed to be done!" The next day, Nmother dragged me into the therapist's office, pointed her finger at me, and screamed: "She's mentally ill! She REFUSES to obey ME!" The therapist had the wisdom to talk to me alone and I described what had happened the night before. The therapist spoke to my brother alone, then with my Nmother alone. Then the therapist met with all of us, as a group, and he told my Nmother: "She's finally starting to think, feel and behave like a normal 14-year-old. GET OFF HER BACK!" My Nmother was so enraged because the therapist refused to obey her orders. She grabbed my brother by the hand and stormed out of the therapist's office. She and my brother got on the bus and left me there. I had to get busfare from my therapist so I could go home. Needless to say, my then-therapist was NOT happy with my Nmother's behaviors.
Several years later, when my Nbrother got married, I was informed that I was permitted to attend ONLY because I was Nmother's chauffeur. I was not permitted to be in any of the wedding photos and called a "retard" during the event. At the reception, Nmother walked around the room, attempting to garner sympathy from the wedding guests because her "baby boy was never going to come home and live with her where he belonged". I finally got fed up with her sympathy ploy, walked over to her and told her, "Shut up!"
Another memory takes places during the mid-1970s while the Oil Crisis was going on.
I had moved away from home, was attending school part-time and working full-time. My Nmother called me, one day, asking me if I was going to drive her and her sister, (my Naunt), to some place in Virginia that was about 100 miles away. The purpose of this "trip" was to go visit a former relative, (who used to be married to my uncle), just to see how she was doing because she was "so concerned". (I have no memory of ever meeting this relative as she and my uncle were divorced while I was still a baby. This uncle died several months before this "trip" was suggested.) I was suspicious about Nmother's "rationale" because during my entire life, she had NEVER had one kind word to say about this former relative. (While the uncle was alive, he was basically her source of the latest "dirt" that she dished all over the place, with relish.) Rather than argue with her, I suggested that we split the cost of the trip three ways: I pay one-third, she pay one-third, and the Naunt pay one-third. She attempted to counter that with a guilt-trip because I was "family". (How convenient!) I responded: "Have you seen the prices at the gas pumps lately? I can't afford to pay all of the trip's expenses, out of my pocket, to go see someone that I don't even know!" She stated that she would discuss this suggestion with Naunt. A few minutes later, I get another call from Nmother to "Forget About It" and she hung up. I continued about my business while Nmother and Naunt stayed P.O.ed at me because I refused to do as they dictated. Since I was no longer living at home, she could no longer beat me into submission and I think that p***** her off too.
Nmother also carefully taught and groomed my brother to join her in her sick games. One night, when I was in the bathroom, he decided he was going to force his way in. The door had a hook and eye fasterner and when the door flew open, the open part struck me in the head and gouged out some flesh. I started bleeding profusely and had to be taken to the hospital for stitches. Nmother cursed me for that and said nothing to Nbrother.
Nmother also resented the fact that my hair could not maintain a natural curl. She continued to attempt to force my hair into "Shirley Temple curls" without success. I dreaded school picture days because she would continue these futile attempts and by the time my class was marched down to the school photographer, my hair was already drooping and straight. Then I would get a beating when I got home and another beating when the pictures came out.
I mentioned earlier that I needed orthodontic work, badly, by the time I was 12 years old. I was born with a maxillofacial deformity that included jawbones that were too small to hold the normal number of teeth. When my permanent teeth started coming in, some came in sideways and others potruded at strange angles. This also affected my ability to speak clearly. Every time I mentioned the need for orthodontic work, she would fly into a narcisstic rage and beat me. Every time I tried to speak about anything else, she would hit me in the face and scream at me to "stop talking through (my) nose!" The dentist that she insisted on taking us to when my brother and I were younger was really a quack. (He attempted to straighten his teeth with only rubber bands and pulled one of his permanent teeth without anesthesia.) My Nmother wanted him to yank all of my teeth for her convenience. I refused! Her attempts to beat me into submission over that didn't work. I started seeing a different dentist when I started working part-time, I went to a different dentist who told me what I had known since I was 12, orthodontic work. He referred me to an orthodontist across the street. Because I was under the age of 21, orthodontic work required a contract that I could not legally sign. At the same time, my teeth were so bad that I could not wait until I was 21. Both my own dentist and orthodontist told me that my Nmother would have to sign the contract while I was making the payments. They gathered the evidence needed (i.e. X-Rays, dental impressions) to make their case and asked me to tell Nmother to schedule an appointment with both of them. Her response was to SCREAM at me and call me names. I told her that if she doesn't call them, then they are going to call her. She went to meet my own dentist and attempted to tell him that I was "retarded", "mentally ill", that I was trying to "steal", I was nothing but a "lying, thieving, whore", etc. My dentist calmly told her: "I'm a professional. Her teeth are so crowded that I CANNOT CLEAN THEM PROPERLY! If I, a professional dentist, can't clean her teeth properly, what makes you think SHE CAN?!?" That shut her up long enough for him to show her my X-Rays. Then he sent her across the street to the orthodontist. When she got there, he told her to wait in his office until he was finished with a patient. On his desk, she saw several dental impressions displayed on his desk. She noticed one that looked really HORRIBLE and she thought to herself, "What mother, in her right mind, would neglect their child THAT BAD?!?" Being the nosy busybody that she has always been, she grabbed that particular dental impression and flipped it over. The HORRIBLE dental impression happened to be MINE!
Another memory that has come to the surface:
My Nmother, Nbrother and I were visiting my grandparents. My Nbrother got a hold of my grandmother's watch and, shortly after, my grandmother realized it wasn't where it had been. My grandmother asked about it and my Nmother demanded that my Nbrother and I answer. I had been sitting in the living room reading and I honestly answered that I did not know anything about the watch. My Nbrother lied and pointed the finger at me while he was smirking. Nmother believed him and began beating me, screaming she was going to get the truth out of me. I kept repeating the same information...that I did NOT know anything about the watch. She finally got tired of beating me and my story never changed. However, for YEARS, whenever my Nmother took me anywhere and she encountered someone she knew, she would make it a point to jam her finger in my direction and talk to this other person about what a "lying thief" I was and Nmother acted as if I wasn't even there or had any feelings. When she saw me start to cry, she would slap me for crying while making her usual comment of: "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about!"
Years later, Nbrother tripped himself up. Nmother noticed that someone had been going into her purse and taking money. She automatically assumed it was me and beat me for that. When I denied going into her purse, Nbrother smirked and lied: "I SAW YOU SO DON'T YOU DENY IT!" Nmother would beat me harder because I denied stealing from her. Again, my story never changed. Whenever Nmother had to go anywhere in town, she continued to drag me along with her. One day, she took only her key, left her purse at home, then dragged me along to where she wanted to go. After several hours, we came home and when Nmother started to put her key back, she realized that someone had gone into her purse and taken money WHILE SHE AND I WERE OUT TOGETHER! Then Nmother realized that I was NOT the thief! Before Nmother or I said anything, Nbrother waltzed, with a smirk on his face, pointed the finger at me and said: "I SAW HER GO INTO YOUR PURSE AND STEAL FROM YOU AGAIN! SHE'S NOTHING BUT A LYING THIEF!" Nmother looked at Nbrother and commented that she and I had been out together so THIS time it was impossible. That was one of the few times that Nmother beat Nbrother for stealing from her. Did I get an apology? No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!!!!
At one point, Nmother attempted to move the pedaphile boyfriend into the house with us. I was ready to run away rather than live with a child rapist in the house. My brother went to our sister and told her what Nmother was attempting to do. My brother was so upset about Nmother's plans that he was CRYING! (I have strong reason to believe that the pedaphile had been molesting him too.) Our sister called Nmother, on a Saturday morning, and confronted her about what was going on. I was still upstairs in my room and heard Nmother scream: "Well, you know your brother's a liar and your sister is mentally ill, so why should you believe them?!?!?" I heard Nmother slam down the phone and I stayed in my room and cried. Later, when I got up and went downstairs, Nmother tried to play "victim" and attempted to portray my sister as "evil". I refused to speak to Nmother. Unfortunately, my sister never spoke to me about what had been going on regarding the pedaphile. The !@#$ never moved into the house because my sister threatened to take legal custody of my brother and Nmother was so afraid of "what would the neighbors think" if her son was taken away from her. I still had no idea of what my fate would have been other than to run away rather than be forced to live with a child rapist and Nmother.
One day, while I was still a kid, Nmother announced to me, in a "matter-of-fact" voice, "I always wanted to abort you but your father wouldn't allow it. The only child I wanted is your brother." Ironically, years later, he cursed her out, turned his back on her and walked out of her life. Then she attempted to manipulate me to side with her against him, portraying him as an "evil monster". My response? "You created him! You're responsible for teaching him all those behaviors that you're complaining about now so DEAL WITH IT!"
When I was about 16 years old, I had a nasty fall on the ice and landed on my back. (This was before my birth defects were diagnosed.) As a result of the fall, I developed a blood clot on my spinal cord which caused partial paralysis from the waist down. Nmother ignored the injury and sent me on to school where a teacher recognized there was a problem and sent me to the school nurse. The school nurse called my Nmother to come to the school to pick me up and take me to the doctor. Nmother took me home and when Nbrother came home, consulted with Nbrother instead of calling the doctor! She even had Nbrother put his hands on me to "examine" the injury! (I still think that was a SICK thing for her to do!) Nbrother commented that there was a lump on my spine that scared him. Only then did Nmother FINALLY call the doctor, who told her to get me to the Emergency Room NOW!!!!
When my Nmother was on her deathbed, she commented that she had been perfectly aware of what the pedaphile boyfriend had done to ALL the children in the neighborhood in addition to his molestation of me. Then she attempted to JUSTIFY these sexual assaults by stating: "All children are naturally whores so they deserve to be raped!" I didn't care whether or not the nursing staff heard me as I went off on her!!! HOW DARE SHE ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY CHILD RAPE?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
Bones
