Mother was a Narcissistic Rageaholic

[BonesMS]

Just blogging for today....

So many jumbled thoughts....so much ANGER and HATRED toward NWomb-Donor for what she did to ALL OF US!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

I still feel ANGER and RAGE at unexpected moments and I realize that it must be part of PTSD.  In recent years, I've begun to re-evaluate the people in my social circle who I thought were my friends.  I've jettisoned three of them thus far:  (1) NDoofus, (2) my ex-sponsor from AA, and (3) the Ultra-Religious N-NUT that I used to sublet from.  After 40 years, I've learned to step back and look at the big picture of what was REALLY going on with these three people.  The only time they contacted me was when THEY WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME!  But God help me if I found myself in a position where I NEEDED ANYTHING.....e.g. emotional support when the NWomb-Donor died and dealing with the aftermath, or when I was laid up in the hospital and unable to take care of things that I felt responsible for....what I got from EACH of them was a combination of EXCUSES AND GUILT TRIPS!!  "HOW DARE I BE AN INCONVENIENCE TO THEM, THEIR ROYAL SELVES?!?!?!?"  One of these idiots went so far as to DEMAND that I INSTANTANEOUSLY DROP MY BEING ILL WITH THE FLU AND ASTHMATIC BRONCHITIS AND ENTERTAIN HER ROYAL SELF DURING THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS!!!!  Then she had the nerve to wonder WHY I CUSSED HER OUT AND THREW HER OUT!!!!    When she tried to hand me a guilt trip, again, shortly before my birthday because I DON'T CALL HER ANYMORE, I hung up on her!  She's a DENSE DITZ!!!!!!  

Bones

[BonesMS]

Some of my emotions can be downright SCARY!!!!

At one point, I imagined that if I could go back in time, with the ability to time-travel back and forth at will, what would I do when I confronted the NWomb-Donor monster?  I realized that I would not have hesitated in stopping her from breaking up my father's first marriage and abusing my half-sister, by kidnapping her and marooning her on a desolate planet...even with the knowledge that it meant that I would cease to exist because I never would be born.  I still would want to STOP that N-Monster from abusing children!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

I've been trying to get rid of clutter in my home and one of the things I came across was the trash bag that the nursing home handed me after NWomb-Donor died.  This time, I had the strength to go through it to see what could be recycled, etc. 

One of the items in the bag was a container with her dentures in it!     It triggered another bout of RAGE AND HATE!!!!  After I was able to calm down, I contacted my dentist's office to see what could be done with them.  They informed me that dental schools no longer use that type of material and said to dispose of them.

So this morning, I walked out to the garbage dumpster, wound up my best pitcher's stance, and THREW THAT NB*TCH's dentures into the garbage as HARD AS I COULD THROW THEM...CURSING NWOMB-DONOR STRAIGHT TO H*LL where that NB*TCH CAN BURN AND ROT!!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

The holidays are once again upon us and painful memories are rearing their ugly heads!   

It FINALLY sunk in that the ONLY time NWomb-Donor BOTHERED to cook or bake ANYTHING was ONLY FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF TO OTHERS OUTSIDE OF HER DOOR!  Otherwise, she COULD NOT BE BOTHERED AT ALL!

Bones

[BonesMS]

I woke up this morning, from a nightmare, that has me feeling traumatized...or more accurately, RE-traumatized!!!!   

Of all things, I dreamt I was a Bajoran woman, during the Cardassian Occupation, in the clutches of Gul Skrain Dukat!!!!        He was about to force himself on me when he abruptly stopped and said:  "Someone hurt you before!"  In this nightmare, I told him EVERYTHING that the Narcissistic Rageholic NWomb-Donor and her pedophile lover did to me as a child and asked him how would he feel if any or all of his children were abused that way by someone he had been married to previously...who was SUPPOSED TO PROTECT CHILDREN!!  He VOWED TO HUNT DOWN AND KILL THOSE MONSTERS FOR WHAT THEY DID TO ME and LEFT!!!   

Now Gul Dukat was a VILLAIN on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine!  It felt WEIRD that he changed sides and decided to fight on my behalf!!!!   

Remembering the abuse, during this nightmare, has me feeling like I want to go run and HIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Had another Star Trek dream, this time with Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and Dr. Leonard McCoy.  In this dream, Dr. Leonard McCoy is my great-grandfather who took custody of me after being abused and abandoned by NWomb-Donor.  I started writing down this dream, in long-hand, in the form of a TV/movie drama script to see where it might go.

Bones