You Can ONLY control Yourself

[Ami]

This is my next lesson. I HAVE screwed it up up to this point. I tried to control everything  BUT me. Mostly, I did not want to be shamed . I tried to control the outside so the big Bogeyman---shame---would leave me alone.
 Now, where am I? I can't control if you( anyone )likes me.I can't control anyone's emotions.
 I can't control anyone's actions.
I can look to what God has given me---myself. I am NOT that bad. He has blessed me with many things that I like.
I have personal goals,now. I want to live with love---inside me and outside.
I want to live with integrity, the best that I can.
I want to try to use the law of love in my dealings. We,are ALL hurting,after all.
We,all have been wounded. We all feel shame way down deep.
 So many lessons that had to be aborted when I went in to a shell.
 I need my own power----must have it.It is the safety mechanism on the gun. You need the gun,but you need the safety mechanism, too. Everything in balance. I want to be strong enough to be soft and loving. It does take strength. You have to know that you can never be wounded to the core. That core is yours to define. After that, you can be vulnerable.
I am grateful to be learning lessons and not be" dead,"as I was before I joined the board.
Dr G gave me a place to heal and I took it and am grateful for it--in all it's phases. The REALLY  sad part of life is when you are "dead",as I was .
The big lesson---I forgive my M. She was as lost as I was. She was  drowning and all her craziness was a way to save her "life". I am grateful for all that she did give me.
.               Ami

[lighter]

I didn't get much clarity from you post, Ami.... but I'm not ignoring you and hoping you'll go away.  I've seen that strategy on other boards and I suppose I;ve employed it a time or two out of frustration but.... it never really sat well with me. 

::shaking head::

I'm going to be asking for some clarity, at the end of this post.... in meantime..... I'd like to say that I'm trying to learn the trick of commenting on behaviors, I don't agree with, in an appropriate way, so I can utilize that skill and teach it to my children.

What I'd like to see happen for you?


Learning your own trick..... (in my opinion of course) of responding to comments you don't appreciate, in an appropriate way, ie, not falling apart and assiging motive and intention.

Adults don't respond that way, at least not if they're open to change and honestly examining their own motives and actions. 

Children respond that way..... refusal to take responsibility, finger pointing, changing the subject, bringing up different subjects and causing conflict between other people to muddy the waters isn't how healthy people approach the world.

Not that I'm claiming domain over the land of health but, I'd like to think I can communicate on an adult level, humor and all, on this board without being tossed for being honest. 

If you continue your pattern on the board, I know I'll be commenting and then what?

::looking over shoulder at cliff's edge::




If I respond like an adult and you respond in like..... that would be a step forward, IMO.

I'm not hoping that you change.....

I'm hoping that we learn to deal with our conflicts (this and all others) more appropriately.

I have more than an inkling that my access, to the board's, being held hostage if I overstep my bounds.


I'm just not entirely sure what my bounds are.... have been and will be. 

If I continue to comment honestly.... if I make points that aren't comfortable..... will that get me tossed? 

 I don't quite yet understand it but...... I feel like Dr. G is reacting to you, and judging my posts according to your responses, rather than to my motives and actions..... or post content for that matter. 

I have things to lose in my family and I feel threatened all the time there, contact with neices and nephews, the safety of my children.....

and now I feel I'll lose access to this forum if I cross my eyes or make light humor of something that's really a very seriouse issue.... pick one.   


I'd like to think I can talk about the truth..... if I express it in an acceptable way.

I'd like to think that you can disagree, and continue whatever campagne you'er on..... in an acceptable way that doesn't blow the board up and send all these wounded souls running for cover.

I'm wondering if we, you and I, couldn't lay out some basic rules for engagement.... say:

1.  No name calling

2.  No yelling (using caps to escalate a disagreement)

3.  No changing the subject until we've found resolution with the first point

4.  It's Ok to say..... let me walk a way from this thread and come back when I'm not upset. I'll be back tonight or in the morning.

It's acceptable to take a break but polite to give a time to pick it back up.  I suppose it would be about those "I" statements with fewer "you" statements?

I don't intend these become board rules..... ::shudder the thought::

 but maybe you and I, considering our difficulty with communication, could try it out and see if we can't keep things down to a dull roar, lol?


Now..... I'm betting that this post is going to scare the stuffing out of you..... but I'm in observer mode and curious about how you'll respond. 

Oh.... could you please clarify for me...... the following statement?

I want to be clear about it.... so as not to make a mistake: )



Ami wrote:
"This is my next lesson. I HAVE screwed it up up to this point. I tried to control everything  BUT me. Mostly, I did not want to be shamed .

I tried to control the outside so the big Bogeyman---shame---would leave me alone.
 Now, where am I? I can't control if you( anyone )likes me.I can't control anyone's emotions."


Thanks, Ami.

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
 I appreciate any growth and insight that you are trying to obtain for yourself. I really do. I hope that your life goes well---in real life and on the board.
 My thread was really about my own life and was not pointed to anyone,in particular.
 As far as engagement with you, I am not comfortable or willing to engage ,Lighter.
  My deepest wish( and I really mean it) is that you find  your precious voice. I hope that we can be on parallel journeys. However,I do not want a closer interaction that that                          Ami

[reallyME]

Actually, Lighter, I really think these are good rules and i'm going to save them and try to enact them in my posts to people.  My spiritual mom and I use these with each other as well, with good results.  Thank you.

~Laura

1.  No name calling

2.  No yelling (using caps to escalate a disagreement)

3.  No changing the subject until we've found resolution with the first point

4.  It's Ok to say..... let me walk a way from this thread and come back when I'm not upset. I'll be back tonight or in the morning.

It's acceptable to take a break but polite to give a time to pick it back up.  I suppose it would be about those "I" statements with fewer "you" statements?

I don't intend these become board rules..... ::shudder the thought::

[lighter]

That you aren't comfortbale with being addressed about your behavior, is obviouse.

That wasn't was my post was about.

I was hoping that you'd be willing to find a more adult way of handling the comments of those you don't agree with..... for your own personal growth and the board's serenity?

As I don't plan on engaging you..... please keep in mind I'll be contributing on the board with regard to any and all posts and posters I wish to comment on, until someone else silences me...... I won't have any trouble finding my voice. 

I'll take it to heart that you aren't open to answering any questions directed at you, by me.

Not unexpected but it does seem odd, as this is an open forum where most people (on healing journeys) are at least willing, in some small way, to consider honest self exploration, at some point.

[Ami]

Lighter,
  I can't say this in a stronger way. I do not want to negotiate with you.I do not want to engage with you. I wish you well on your journey,but I want it to be as separate from mine as is possible  .             Ami

[lighter]

To whom it may concern:

Please refrain from attempting to control, manipulate or otherwise influence my voice and behavior on the board (general).

Thanking everyone in advance.

ps

Somebody recently wrote this and I think it bears repeating.

"This is my next lesson. I HAVE screwed it up up to this point. I tried to control everything  BUT me. Mostly, I did not want to be shamed . I tried to control the outside so the big Bogeyman---shame---would leave me alone.
 Now, where am I? I can't control if you( anyone )likes me.I can't control anyone's emotions.
 I can't control anyone's actions."

Nuff said.  ::nod::

[Leah]

As an independent person, with a mind of her own, may I gracefully say, in all honesty, that this thread was written, by a fellow

human being who had a desire to write out her own thoughts and feelings, and I do * feel * that due care and dignity should

therefore be afforded any fellow human being, regardless of any personal issues one may have, one way or another.


Else, as I * see * it ...... how can we expect to * see * any difference.


Everyone and anyone has the freedom to create and write their own threads accordingly, IMO


Love, Leah,


Voicing with an Independent Voice


PS >   Hopefully, due care, consideration, and dignity, would be reciprocal.

[lighter]

That was beautiful, Leah.

I'll certainly be think'in twice before posting, sans due care and dignity, for my fellow human being's personal thread space.... ummm here....
on this public forum.

::dropping head and walking away to contemplate this very generous offer to help me control myself::


Ummm... could everyone be quiet, please....?

 Ami's writing out her thoughts and I'm contemplating keeping my mouth shut

I don't care how many times I see the request for me to ponder every possible meaing of silence.... it always moves me; )


ps... thanks laura... they are good rules

[reallyME]

The thing that really tripped me up with X in my past, was that I was dependent/codependent.  I had the need to take care of others and the need to be taken care of.  X preyed upon that, whether consciously or out of her own issues.  She had a need to always direct people in the way she "knew" God wanted them to go.  I'm not discounting prophets, because I do believe in them and also have the gifting myself, but there is a line where a person has to hear from God directly, and not just assume that because a leader feels that "God TOLD me this about you" that they always are getting it from God.  I can't say whether X was or wasn't, I only know that at a point, when I did not jump through the right hoops, suddenly she gave up on me and left me with the impression that God did too.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I do not want anything misinterpreted. I guess what I was trying to say is that I am seeing that the only thing that I CAN control  in life is how I  respond.This is meant in general life   terms ,only, not to any specific issue  on the board . .I cannot control other people's actions or emotions.I can simply control what is inside me and comes forth from me. That is emotional health ,I think.     Love  Ami

[reallyME]

Amen Ami.  That's healthy, all right

[Ami]

Today, when I was driving my car ,I just realized it. It IS very big. Thanks Laura. Those insights are life changing                    Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Lollie,
   I agree with what you said.. We learned ways to cope( and save us) in childhood. Now, they are stuck like glue and don't serve us as adults. Would love to hear your story when you are ready    Love    Ami


((((((((((((Lollie)))))))))))))

[SilverLining]

Dear Laura,
  I do not want anything misinterpreted. I guess what I was trying to say is that I am seeing that the only thing that I CAN control  in life is how I  respond.This is meant in general life   terms ,only, not to any specific issue  on the board . .I cannot control other people's actions or emotions.I can simply control what is inside me and comes forth from me. That is emotional health ,I think.     Love  Ami

To me it sure looks like an emotionally healthy realization.  Not only can we not control things "outside" there is a limit to what we can know.  The past is always going to be a mystery no matter how much therapy we might put ourselves through.  All the labels and interpretations we put on things outside are just stories we tell ourselves.  Personally I've gotten tired of thinking about the past and want to get fully into the present.

Or maybe I'm just in denial...