Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum and very pleased to find a place where I can talk to others about being voiceless and the demands, healing, frustrations, triumphs and darn right exhustion from striving to acquire one.
I was 3rd Girl born to a family ( 6 children)considered to be pilars of our very small community(large Landowners, well-off etc etc) I became aware that something wasn't right about my levels of fear and pain when I first attended primary school and read a book called "Are you my Mother?" I was fascinated by it but felt terrible grief at the same time. It echoed my own search for a mother. (But I had one at home???)
As a primary school child I alternated between academic acts of brilliance, outbursts of rage, compliance, overtly sexual behaviour, and running away. I was a complete puzzle to myself and my teachers as I came from a "very good home". I was labeled "wicked"
I developed an attitude of "something is badly wrong with me as I am wicked so I just have to try harder to be good".
Sometimes I succeeded. Sometimes I was even brilliant but I hated the attention and retreated to being silent again. I became a "little voice" who knew what my parents needed and wanted before they did and would jump to do it. At school I was average...I couldn't handle the attention of doing what I was able. (years later I discovered I had Mensa level intelligence)
I longed for connection and love and used to cry for the plight of un-loved babies and children who had been orphaned and un-loved. Little did I realised that they were me.
I gained a diploma of teaching, and finished College 7 months pregnant.
My boyfriends parents persuaded him to leave me, as it wasn't the "done" thing to be married pregnant, but said we could re-main together if I had an abortion. I refused. So I had the baby on my own and decided that Love was not to be trusted.
There followed three unsuccessful marriages,three more children and a series of unsuccessful relationships. Not to mention three large career changes, I was always a quick learner and able to apply myself and often progressed very quickly into leadership positions and was well-paid. Each marriage I thought this time I will do it right, choose the right person, be the good wife and provide a wonderful father for my children..I just had to try harder and I would succeed.
Then when my youngest was born (October 1998)I nearly died of a massive heamoragge in an immergency caesar that went wrong. I had oxygen starvation. Only one of my brothers visited, inbetween business appointments and neither of my parents.
Somehow, with the brain injury I had, I was back as a child again and all these memories came flooding back of things that had been done to me. (sexual, physical and mental abuse) At first I was shocked, then slowly as my many memories of my childhood came back, as opposed to the "snapshot" type memories I had had before I realised what the true reasons for my childhood/life/relationship failures and deep griefs and desires for love came from. I remember thinking I have been only walking on one leg..no wonder I kept "falling over" so often. A child who was treated like that by her parents cannot help have trouble with life.
The last five and a half years have been an amazing journey of self discovery, realising what I am and am not responsible for, laying the responsibility for the behaviours perpetrated on me where they should be..with the perpetrators , and then forgiving them, and large amounts of grief for that little girl who has tried so hard to be good and get it right.
I have only partially recovered from the brain injury from the oxygen starvation, but thats ok..without that experience I may never have known all about me. I have addressed both my parents over the issues and tried to establish healthy ways of relating and I am learning ways in which i can relate in a healthy way to men and re-cognise healthy love and offer it.
No mean feat as we all know.
I intermittently have experiences that i do not understand or know how to interpret, which is why I am here. I would love to read your stories and have you comment on mine. I hope it will be easier then trying to do this all on my own. I have been so pleased to discover I am not alone dealing with these things.
I hope to make friends and plan to be a regular contributer...
Thankyou if you read this far..you have wonderful stickability!!
