Touch

[Spirit]

I typed lack of touch  etc and got the word mirasmus on google search. However not much info as much as I would like.

I feel I am a victim of lack of touch and nurture from my mom and am wondering the effect it has on me. It would be really helpful if anyone can throw any more light on this subject or recomend me to any relevent reading material

thanks in advance
Spirit

[Portia]

Dear Spirit, you said:

I feel I am a victim of lack of touch and nurture from my mom and am wondering the effect it has on me.

The effect can be huge. And your dad's behaviour with you I guess must also have had a large negative effect. I read that you're getting help on the NHS - good luck! I have no idea what our health system offers, but I really hope you receive appropriate help from kind professionals.

I’ve been reading two very easy-to-read books by John Bradshaw: ‘Homecoming’ and ‘Creating love’. The second is particularly good for me in confirming what I think/feel about love – that what some of our families and society tells us is love, is not. It’s duty, obligation, religious doctrine, the result of a patriarchal system…etc. It’s very uplifting simply to read someone else’s views. And his case study examples are strikingly clear about what is love and what is not. I think this type of book might help? Best wishes Spirit, P

Amazon link (they have some used very cheap too):
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553373056/qid=1089475341/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_8_2/202-7185319-7430248

PS. I was thinking about your post yesterday and had a wild idea that we could go on a Charity Hug Day in Oxford Street!   Wearing T-shirts that say ‘Hug me for charity’ we could ask people to give us a hug and 50p for say the British Heart Foundation! And we get lots of hugs! But then I remembered how odd most people can be and laughed at my mad thoughts…  

[Spirit]

Hi Portia,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes I have come to understnad that my mom is the one who has done most of the damage to me, but somehow I keep going on more about my dad simply because I don't feel that I have the 'energy' or that I might break down as emotions flood me whenever I think of that issue. But the good news is I am consolidating and in the run, maybe a long one, I will be there

Yes I have read John Bradshaw before ' Heeling the shame that Binds you ' and found it useful. I think I will do some shopping soon. Thanks for the suggested books.

The best news of the day for me is that I met the NHS councillor today after about two month's wait. I am so relieved that I was able to contact and talk. I think I will post about this more on the main  MB

Portia,  some of your plans are classic ! It really would be worth more than a laught if we really get to do some of those. Nice to see that you always make me and others smile.. it is a such a gift you have and it spreads

no real hugs perhaps but I will give you a virtual hug.. you deserved it

Spirit  

[Feline]

I too have touch issues.
I long for it.Someone to soothe my aching muscles with gentleness  and who wants me to caress them back.

But I am terrified.
I don't touch and everyiome I do,If the person I touch recoils I feel ,like I am offensive,by touch just a poison they sense and want to not touch them,like I carry typhoid..

I  was in an incubator in the 60s for a month as a preemie baby. Back in those days they kept the lights on all the time in the nursery(I got eye damage trom this) and the nurses didn't touch the babies in incubators alot. They were more concerned about sanitation than mental health.Babies were always spanked on the rear upon thier entry into the world,the doctors back then didn't know babies would breathe thier first breath  without being hit.
(talk about a bad welcome into life and normalized  ignorant abusive sickness of adults)
Babies will just wither up and die without touch.Sometimes I feel like I am withering too.
I wonder if kids left in incubators in the ignorant ways (30 or more years ago) premature babies were tended... Can they get some sort of emotional damage that lasts thier whole life?

My partner and I  both have abuse issues..And we try to touch we ask for it too, both of us,we try to improve and remember to touch the other,but we are both aftraid to,It's hard. We are very close emotionally,but still we "forget" to touch,I do it and he does it,sometimes one of us"remembers" and we reach out and touch each other and there is no rejection,. we just are scared of touch I think.

I too have tried fruitlessly to find info on this touch  issue with google. I have no clue which searchwords to use to get at the stuff I want .
Typing in" Attachment disorder" got me some better results sometimes.It hinted and talked around the issues..But it wasen't the nity gritty I wanted.

If you find anything useful on  touch issues online.. I'd be so wanting a link.
Thanks..

[DenmarkGuy]

Dear Spirit-- I am so sad for you, and for all of us who feel touch deprived. The negative effects of touch deprivation are large-- in terms of self worth, and self image, and much else.

Touch was very limited, when I grew up. Then I was married, for 13 years, to someone who was touch deprived-- unfortunately, that meant that she wanted to be touched endlessly, but had little interest in touching me back. And wouldn't you know it? The my subsequent relationship is with someone who's the daughter of a pathological N and an abusive father-- and has major touch/intimacy issues.

I SO understand the feeling of craving touch. But unlike you, my experience is not fear in touching others-- I do so, gladly.... but those "others" always seem to be like endless "sinkholes," there is no reciprocity. Maybe I am overly idealistic-- but even when I ask, I seem to "get" five minutes, while they "whine" if I stop in less than an hour.

There have been points where I have seriously considered the so-called "snuggle parties" and "cuddles" that can be found in larger US cities.

--Peter