what do you say when you are getting the silent treatment?

[bel]

Hi
I'm hoping someone can help me with my dilemma.  I've known a particular friend for over 30 years.  We went to school together. We've been on holiday together six times.  I supported her through the death of her mother last year.  We are old friends.  She's always been bossy, but this has got worse over the years and since her mother died has really ramped up a gear and taken on towering N traits.  She now has a large inheritance, will never have to work again and is acting frighteningly omnipotent.  The last time I saw her she gave me what I took to be a warning about how another friend had committed some sort of undisclosed transgression and that she had been quite prepared to cut her off for ever had she not come back and apologised. Fast forward a month from then: she phoned me in tears a because a man who she'd had a one night stand with two or three times had got a new girlfriend so their liaisons had to stop.  Given that I'd recently split from my partner of 18 years her "tragedy" seemed a bit hard for me to grasp. Then a request followed that she wanted me to make a really long journey to do her a favour after work during the week.  I didn't feel comfortable with the request because spending hours in traffic after a day at work when she could have asked her father or her neighbour to help, but at the time I agreed because she was crying and upset... The next morning I texted her and let her know that I wasn't comfortable with the timing during the week but I'd be happy to help on a Saturday.  She responded that she'd only asked because she'd been desperate.  I contacted her again about a week later and she replied there were three people who'd help her at her convenience and then she began the silent treatment and I haven't spoken to her for weeks and weeks. When I texted her on her birthday she blanked me. When I texted her to say my thoughts were with her on the anniversary of her mother's death she blanked me.  So now I want to write her a letter for my own benefit really because since I guess I appear to have been discarded as worthless after over 30 years without even a word being spoken to me about it, but I'm having a hard time articulating the jumbled feelings. Is there anything I can say that will get through to an N?  Its not that I want to resume a friendship with her after this, but want to say something that will touch her with the reality of another human being communicating with her and I'm not sure how to do this or even if this is possible...
Anybody out there have any experience of this please?

thanks, Bel

[Certain Hope]

  So now I want to write her a letter for my own benefit really because since I guess I appear to have been discarded as worthless after over 30 years without even a word being spoken to me about it, but I'm having a hard time articulating the jumbled feelings. Is there anything I can say that will get through to an N? 

Hi, Bel,

In my opinion, the answer is no. Definitely not... Not if she's npd.

I'm sorry. They seem to have terminal wax in ears.

Welcome to the group... I'm sure that others here will be on soon to post more.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[bel]

Yes she did have N traits before that and they've been increasing year on year.  She has cut several people out of her life before for inexplicable transgressions and I always found it impossible to understand how what these people had done could possibly warrant being 'excommunicated'.  She has always used the power of personal "tragedies" - ie her need is the most powerful force in the universe - to get her own way, as well as her health.  She's been a very difficult friend in many ways, but I've never fallen out with her before.  Being given the silent treatment like this is a very powerful method of control on her part.  Its hurtful and punishing and I'm still don't even know for sure what she is so angry about.  I'm torn in many directions between being upset and angry to just mystified and then wondering if she is just going through some weird sort of personality disordered crisis.  It may even be that now she has her inheritance she feels super superior. 

[Gaining Strength]

What did you mean, "she blanked me?"

Trying to get justice or understanding or the last word in with an N is like trying to get unstuck from a tarbaby, the harder you try the stucker you get.  That's THE hardest lesson to learn about dealing with an N.

[Leah]

Trying to get justice or understanding or the last word in with an N is like trying to get unstuck from a tarbaby, the harder you try the stucker you get.  That's THE hardest lesson to learn about dealing with an N.

Hello & welcome, Bel

I resonate with the wise words and counsel of GS

From personal life experience.

N's really do have the condition called "Lastworditis" and "ears that cannot hear anything"

Leah x


PS >>   Here is the link to Lollie's superb:   The Only Way To Win 

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=6891.msg115710#msg115710

[Gaining Strength]

See The Only Way to Win

[teartracks]

Hi bel,

The wisest thing to say might be, Thank you God!  Then let it go.

tt

[axa]

Welcome Bel,

Well said tt

Axa

[alone48]

Welcome Bel,

through my own experience, I wrote a letter to N to express my feelings. Much like you I just wanted to have my say, even if in writing. N used the letter against me to show everyone how pitiful I was and that I cared so much more for him than he did for me. He also is able to banish people from his life as if they never existed. From this board I have learned NC is the only answer. It's hard, but this is not the normal person you can sit down and reason with or discuss your differences. I like you, saw it happen to others, but you just don't think it will happen to you. Guess what, it just did. Run and be grateful that you were let go with minimal damage.

[bel]

alone48, what does NC mean ("NC is the only answer")?   Writing down my feelings is possibly something I will need to do for my own resolution and not send, as like you I am concerned that it will bring back blistering retribution and make me feel even worse.  What's so hard is not knowing what is going on, although if I think about it I know that its really about a battle of wills that she intends to win;  that she would cut me out of her life without even having a single conversation with me unless I submit to her will and apologise. She'd already given me my ultimatum last time I saw her that friends that transgressed would be snipped away and cut off.  i.e. She would not put up with any kind of dissent and you just can't have an equal relationship under those freakish conditions.

GS, by "she blanked me" I mean that she responded to my emails with silence (I don't think she would have picked up the phone had I called). 

Thank you everyone for your responses.  I can see that the general wisdom here seems to be leave well alone and don't look back.  Its left a heap of damage - I have very few people in my life and have just split with my partner of 18 years - she picked her moment carefully; I feel its going to take a while to recover from.

Walk away from the table  ~  and let it go.

Bel

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Bel,


"NC" stands for "No Contact".

You could write out all of your feelings and then just file the letter... sometimes just expressing all that and getting it out into the open does a world of good.

I'm sorry about the split with your long-term partner... that hurts. It's easier said than done, I know, but I wish you all the best in getting a fresh start with some reciprocal relationships which will bring you refreshment and encouragement.

Sincerely,
Carolyn