Memories and voice

[October]

I wonder if anyone has noticed something strange about bad memories - the ones where you are being destroyed by someone for something that you haven't done, that kind of thing, and you are standing there feeling as if you are disintegrating.  I don't know if it is the same for other people, but I never have any sound with these memories - the words don't get recorded, just the pictures and the feelings.

If someone later on reminds me of the angry words, they are familiar, so there is a kind of memory of them, but it is not accessible to me without this kind of prompting.  It is closed, in a way the visual memories are not.

There may be some kind of connection with voicelessness, I am not sure.  Often in these situations I try to talk and reason, but I am very aware that the words I speak make no difference whatever, as if they do not exist.

Just wondered.

[Anna]

I've been told - because this is my experience - that our most traumatic (memories) dreams are in black and white.  Color would make them too real for us to handle.  I have many "holes" in my memories and no words either until suddenly I hear a phrase that's familiar and haunting.  "Keep your mouth shut....."      "You are so DRAMATIC Anna!"

I would say, yes, absolutely there is a connection October.  

My two cents -- (and you all know that even HAVING two cents has been a long, hard process!):
Often times when we experience trauma, research has shown that it gets "locked" in a separate location deep inside our brain.  The accompanying words/emotions that go with this trauma gets stored in a different place.  This is not "normal" processing.

When we encounter a trigger, that trauma can be activated as if it were happening at the present time -- when really it could have happened when we were children -- thus, explaining our "looping" behaviors and "over-reactions".  It's only when we can reconnect the trauma with the words and emotions, that we can reprocess the memories correctly and put things to rest.   At least that's been my experience ....  

I have found many many answers in my dreams.  Keep a log and give your dreams and feelings the voice they need by honoring them![/i]

[Anonymous]

I've been told - because this is my experience - that our most traumatic (memories) dreams are in black and white.  Color would make them too real for us to handle.  

I have found many many answers in my dreams.  Keep a log and give your dreams and feelings the voice they need by honoring them![/i]

I think there is colour in  my memories, but definitely not sound.  There are some phrases which have a life of their own, though, as you describe, usually telling me to be quiet or to go away in one way or another.

I haven't thought about logging dreams, but I think you are right about their importance.  I have noticed recurring themes, such as an old dilapidated house, which has beautiful decoration inside but is in a terrible state, and usually has a leaking or broken roof.  I always recognise this as the house of my great aunt, who is now dead, but it is always a different house; just one with old fashioned and tatty decoration, and a broken roof.  I will try writing these down to make more sense of them.

The other thing I am doing is hiding at home at present.  If I cannot be seen, then I cannot be hurt any more.  This represents a shift for the worse in my condition, but it is a choice I am making on purpose, in order to cope.  I am going to try not to go out at all unless I have to.  I've given my daughter the best summer I was able to give her, and now it is time to hide.

[Anna]

I have noticed recurring themes, such as an old dilapidated house, which has beautiful decoration inside but is in a terrible state, and usually has a leaking or broken roof.  

Guest,
I think our dreams speak to our via symbolism and perhaps not concrete meanings.  Perhaps you do recognize that house as your aunt's, but have you considered the symbolism too?

Maybe the beautiful decoration inside is your 'self' and it may be in a 'terrible state' because you are struggling with some painful issues.
JMHO .....  only you can interpret the deeper meaning of your dreams based on your own life experiences, but look beyond the obvious.  

I dreamt a neighbor stabbed me.  This neighbor is my friend and peace loving -- but she represented another person in my dreams/life -- stabbing can mean betrayal....    Good luck.  

[rosencrantz]

It is so sad that we (all?) end up hiding (as we grow older?).

I'm hiding, too.  And I usually think it's 'for the worse', too.

But when I read your post, I actually felt - well, it's not really.  It's a positive step.  It gives me time to be myself instead of being what my mother wants (being 'her' out in the world, leading a life she can be proud of, etc) - it's giving me time to 'regroup'.  I don't have to be pulled this way and that by other people's needs and projections and disdain and approbation.

Use the time to be 'you'.  That's a good thing - and you'll come out again that bit stronger.

And, yes.  The house is our 'self'.  I've mentioned in a previous post a bad experience with a therapist.  I had an image at that time of my  house in scaffolding.  My house collapsed and the foundations were destroyed.  I am quite, quite sure that house was 'me' and the collapse was the result of his impact on it.  I've been quite unable to allow anyone to 'interview' me since.  Jobs, radio, TV - can't do it.  Like a bone that's been broken in the same place too many times that it would fracture at a mere touch.

But what a lovely image you have - how nice to have an inner space, an inner life, so beautiful.  (Will you open the door to say 'welcome'?)  
R

[cindy]

My exhusband N may have stolen all inside doorknobs from a house we both owned, and my mother owns now.  Someone did.  It is empty.  I cannot imagine who else would do that.  It must have taken hours and hours, and whoever did it broke in through the front door.  I just found the doors without knobs this morning.

Someone told me this symbolizes no escape for me.  I know it isn't a dream, but does anyone know if this interpretation may be correct?  My ex stalks and vandalizes.

[Friend]

My dearest Cindy, Please find a women's shelter and leave NOW.  keep us posted if you can. I'm praying for you. . . .be safe . . .but get out.. . NOW

[October]

Maybe the beautiful decoration inside is your 'self' and it may be in a 'terrible state' because you are struggling with some painful issues.
JMHO .....  only you can interpret the deeper meaning of your dreams based on your own life experiences, but look beyond the obvious.  

I dreamt a neighbor stabbed me.  This neighbor is my friend and peace loving -- but she represented another person in my dreams/life -- stabbing can mean betrayal....    Good luck.  

Hello, and thanks.  First of all, my computer normally logs me on automatically, but didn't yesterday, and it was me, October, with the house.  Secondly, the house being me.  I suppose this is true, and I need to rethink some of those dreams.  There are generally lots of (family) people around, but I seem to be the only one concerned to repair the building, or able to see the details, like the cornices and carvings and such.  And there is always a lovely long staircase.  I thought it symbolised my family, but didn't think it was me.  And the roof is clearly protection, because I am left without any kind of emotional protection.

There is clearly more to dreams than I thought.  Perhaps I can look into that area in safety.  I find that it is difficult to look at areas of abuse or narcissism, because I am not strong enough.  This could be a route forward.  

[October]

It is so sad that we (all?) end up hiding (as we grow older?).

I'm hiding, too.  And I usually think it's 'for the worse', too.

Use the time to be 'you'.  That's a good thing - and you'll come out again that bit stronger.

And, yes.  The house is our 'self'.  But what a lovely image you have - how nice to have an inner space, an inner life, so beautiful.  (Will you open the door to say 'welcome'?)  
R

Anyone is welcome in 'my' house, as long as they don't mind it being completely unfurnished, but an antique of sorts, and no roof, so if it rains you get wet, and the attics are in a terrible state.  And every time you visit it looks different.  Wear your old clothes, and grab a paintbrush!    

My great aunt's real house was a Victorian house, with a cellar and servants' rooms in the attic.  It was a beautiful old house, and I think the memories of wandering around it when I was a child have remained.  It was richly decorated, because she inherited it from her employer, and it was beautiful, and full of lovely furniture.  Later on she got dementia, and went into hospital for many years before she died, and the house gradually fell into disrepair.  The family should have sold it, but didn't like to while she was alive, and so it got vandalised, and burgled over and over until it was a very sad shadow of what it had been.  Then when she died I went with my parents for a few weeks to try to paint it a bit before it was finally sold.

Perhaps I will try to explore the dream house while I am hiding here, in my real house for a while.  Try to work out what it could be, if only I could find the way.

Thanks for being positive.  I appreciate that, because I am a positive person, really.  

[October]

Someone told me this symbolizes no escape for me.  I know it isn't a dream, but does anyone know if this interpretation may be correct?  My ex stalks and vandalizes.

This is very disturbing, and I think I agree with the other reply.  I would get away from this person as far as you can.

(((((((((Safe hugs)))))))))

Cathy

[cindy]

Thanks for the concern and reply, all.  The house was built in 1910, the doorknobs were original, and it is a large house.  The police and campus security both assure me the knobs were valuable and a target of thieves, and so it is not logical to assume my ex did it.  It sure was spooky, though.  

Plus, at the same time my car ignition switch went out, and this one was only two weeks old.  I'd just had it replaced.  Last night the man who prompted the visit to the house by telling me the kitchen had been gutted returned my call.  The kitchen was fine, but this is when I discovered the doorknobs.  He told me he had called my ex thru a number a neighbor had, and a woman answered, so my ex's girlfriend told him the kitchen had been gutted.  Then, this morning, I went out to a transplanting area that is by the car, and all bottles and lids were unscrewed but placed on top, like teens will do to salt shakers?

This is "normal" behavior for my N ex, who has continued to intrude into my life for four years.  As the girlfriend's car is gone but he is home, I'm thinking I may stay at a friend's tonight.  And I'm off to finally buy some surveillance equipment.  I can't afford it, but the chaos takes its toll and I can't afford not to.

Can you imagine telling police a 56 year old man may have stolen door knobs?  Or you're spooked because lids were loosened?  Or you think your ex may have sabotaged a thirty year old beetle because it needs a new part?

I have roots here, have been assured by all involved there's no reason to be afraid of my ex, and yet still I walk on eggshells.  That's the objective, isn't it?  I think about him every day.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[mary]

Here we  are listening to you with care and concern.  Please vent and share your concerns anytime.  It has helped me to have somewhere to go and talk and complain.  I am not at a point where I want to talk to my normal friends about N and how it effects my family.  This site has been such a blessing for me to write and think and learn about myself.  It has helped me to stop hating myself so badly.   So we are here for you and nothing you say is silly or unimportant!