Detachment

[Lupita]

Dear Violet, you have no idea how much you have helped me by asking me today. I am having so much fun, and discovering so much of my life, and as Lea said she was discovering something that she already knew, but I am very impressed. Thank you again.
This is so important for me and for many people perhaps.

[Lupita]

Yes Lighter, to keep them in place.......... if we can........

lol, it takes time. It took me 50 years to just realize I was sleep walking. Now I start to grow. Maybe in another 50 years. LOL, when I am 100 I will say  che che che, pleache, dearch, that wasch notch appropriate behavior lolch.

[lighter]

I think you've already started saying it, dear.

[Lupita]

Dear Lea, can you go a little deeper in discerning? what if as a victim of N we do not trust our perceptions?

We know that me process information in a different way and many times we do not percieve things the same way that "normal" people do.

In the cognitive therapy there are several steps to be able to check your perceptions, reality check, like asking others, and looking ofr prove, etc.

But again, how to trust what we think is correct?

[Lupita]

Detaching and Dissociating
Detaching and dissociating are words which describe the act of mentally (and therefore emotionally) leaving the present moment and of becoming distant from it. It can be experienced mildly as a subtle feeling of being separated and apart from everyone and everything around you. It can be experienced more dramatically as actually being outside of your body and looking on. Others may speak with you and you will not respond, though you may know that they are speaking. You are elsewhere. People around you may have difficulty with this, especially if it appears to happen right out of the blue. Some people will take it as evidence that you are mentally ill. You may be treated in a devaluing manner as a result of this. Again, mental pollution is popular.

You may suffer from this thinking error: "Because I detach, I must be a helpless, useless, whacked-out person." Let's dispute that one right away. First of all, congratulations on having an emergency exit. Are you aware that this kind of escape hatch has been used by a whole lot of sexually victimized people? Many of them were victims of sexual violence as little children. You may have developed this means of escape way back then. And good for you too.

The problem is this: Your emergency exit has become habituated and you may be using it when you don't really need to. Are you still at risk of being victimized? No? Then you do not really need it these days. The development of the emergency exit is not only because of trauma, but also because of the re-victimization process, in which a child's normal life gets split mentally from the abusive episodes. The habituation of this process evolves naturally and there is no blame for it. It's a survival device and it probably saved you from more severe mental, emotional and physical pain than you know. So far so good?

Now that the detaching has become automatic, you will doubtless be finding it somewhat inconvenient, inappropriate or downright embarrassing. Get on with the job of disputing any self-downing thinking that goes with this. It is a fact of your life - for the time being anyway. Why do a double whammy and feel bad about it too?

e hike? No you won't. The canoe was a useful vehicle for crossing the lake, but it will be an unnecessary burden for hiking. No big crime - just inconvenient and a lot of extra work. Your emergency exit once was a necessity. Now it is in the way.

As well as accepting the fact that your escape hatch routine has become habituated and is no reason for self-damning, there may be more that you can do. For instance, recall that memories of trauma are only difficult when the thinking that comes with them is troublesome. Your detaching is likely provoked by some kind of habituated stress-making thinking that gets triggered in the here and now. When you think something like: "I can't stand this. This is really horrible. Help! I can't handle this!, I have to get out of here!", you may trigger the habituated emergency exit routine. Good bye. Off you go.

Check this out: While off and away, you still have the ability to think. So relax. Briefly enjoy the sense of safety, and begin purposeful thinking. Challenge the awfulizing. Recognize that you are safe and that you can actually handle what ever is going on. Explain this to yourself. It may be unpleasant, but it is not so tragic really. Challenge the I-can't-stand-its. Work gently towards understanding that you are able to stand whatever it is, even though it may be a royal pain in the butt. Allow yourself to come back. Explain to yourself that it is safe out there. It's just another case of habit thinking - no big deal. Keep the internal chatter and challenge going. Compliment yourself on your return. Buy a hamburger or a yogurt shake. Treat yourself.

In this manner, you can develop some control over your comings and goings. You don't have to just be at the mercy of these habituated escape processes. You can work towards becoming an expert traveller between states - with more control over it. Hey, some of us meditate for years and we still cannot do that kind of thing. Medication might also be helpful with this if it is a big concern.


As your thinking matures, you may be able to live without the emergency exit for longer and longer periods. Don't worry. If you want it, it will still be there. On the other hand, as the quality of your emotional life increases, you may not want the great escape anymore. Give it some thought.

Poetry to Make Sense of the World
I have decided to use this space more as a quasi public journal, to be shared with friends and family, to express my thoughts and ideas and with an open invitation for comments and discussion.The Line and Composure
The line between perseverence and pride.  When you know that to be successful you must fight through all challenges to carry your idea to fruition, but you also know that such obession is just filling your own sails when the reality may be that the idea just doesn't have it.

Passion drives you, wisdom tempers you.  While remaining open to Divine guidance.

Composure.

-  a calmness or repose especially of mind, bearing, or appearance : self-possession.

Self-Possession.

- control of one's emotions or reactions especially when under stress.

Both desireable qualities.  But what about when Divine guidance suggests that you should not wait for composure, that waiting for composure is an infinite excuse for inertia.

How does this negotiate the line between perseverance and pride?

Sensitive steps to identify your motive.  What it is that you are fighting for?  An essential question of Faith and detachment.  Define your motive and take the plunge.  With passion and wisdom and composure.

[papillon]

Hi Lupita,

Thankyou for all of the good information re detachment. You've gone to a lot of trouble to post this valuable information. I'm thinking it'll most likely get lost in history. Is there somewhere else it can go on this website as well where it'll be easier to retirieve? Just wondering.

Have you ever read Siddhartha or the Bhagavad Gita? They're great books re detachment.

It never ceases to amaze me how similar the Bhagavad Gita and the Judeo-Christian Bible are.

A very nice family I know are devote Hindu and I've been most fortunate enough to have them generously spend quite a bit of their time telling me all about their religion. They also taught me how to say the words Bhagavad Gita properly! I had it so wrong. They are truly a beautiful, intelligent, generous family and very large family who love company, rituals and celebrations. 'OM' 

Detachment seems to me to be such a vital process in self-actualization, and also such a large focus, function and essence of Hinduism and Buddhism. Personally, to me, that's what makes those philosphies so great.

I'm neither Hindu nor Buddhist by the way,  but I've personally benefited so much from writings from both, learning from their knowledge and the essence they offer.

I'm finding your whole thread on detachment very challenging - in a good way. There is so much good information here - on this forum. I'm currently reading your thread on 'Detachment" and Gabben's 'Being Envied' simultaneously. They're both very informative and challenging.

Thanks for all the time it  must have taken for put in to copy all of that onto this board. Here is a gift from the Bhagavad Gita.


'brahmany adhaya karmani sangam tyaktva karoti yah lipyate na sa papena padma-patram ivambhasa'
"One who performs his duty without attachment, surrendering the results unto the Supreme Lord, is unaffected by sinful action, as the lotus leaf is untouched by water."

'kayena manasa buddhya kevalair indriyair api yoginah karma kurvanti sangam tyaktvatma-shuddhaye'
"The yogis, abandoning attachment, act with body, mind, intelligence and even with the senses, only for the purpose of purification."

'yuktah karma-phalam tyaktva shantim apnoti naisthikim ayuktah kama-karena phale sakto nibadhyate'
"The steadily devoted soul attains unadulterated peace because he offers the result of all activities to Me; whereas a person who is not in union with the Divine, who is greedy for the fruits of his labor, becomes entangled."

'na kartrtvam na karmani lokasya srjati prabhuh na karma-phala-samyogam svabhavas tu pravartate'
"The embodied spirit, master of the city of his body, does not create activities, nor does he induce people to act, nor does he create the fruits of action. All this is enacted by the modes of material nature."


Papillon

[Lupita]

Thank you Papillon, you added very insightful thoughts. And thank you for your kind words.

I need to read about detachmetnt everyday before I go to work. It is a good tool for the toolbox. So not to suffer at work or in any place.

Not that I can do it. But I am trying.

God bless you all.

[Lupita]

This is so important or all of us that I will continue to study it and post until I am told not to do it anymore. And hope that it never happens. LOL

Love to you all.


Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse affects of another person’s behavior* can be a means of detaching: This does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still Love the person without liking the behavior.
~ Al-Anon Family Groups


Detachment means you can stop:
Suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people
Allowing yourself to be used or abused by others
Doing for others what they can do for themselves
Manipulating situations so others will eat, got to bed, pay bills, exercise, or do whatever you think they “should” do.
Covering up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
Creating A Crisis
Preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events


* Definition of “Another Person’s Behavior”: Often ends with “ing” * thinking, eating, speaking, spending, drinking, worrying, complaining, smoking, gambling, procrastinating, working, not working … dying. Which one is worrying you right now?
Detachment Practices:

SO = Significant Other a.k.a anyone who inspires your need to control or pushes your buttons * anger, fear, resentment … If they weren’t significant, you wouldn’t care!
#1. Agree! Instead of disagreeing with something your SO says try saying “You could be right.”

Detach from your need to be right, smarter, better, …


#2. Pillow Fight! Next time you feel worried about your SOs behavior – what they are doing or not doing – tell yourself that you will worry about it later. In fact, make a Pillow Fight Date with yourself. During that time – say 3:00 to 3:30 p.m. you will do nothing but worry and vent. Beat pillows, talk to your pillow, focus on the worst case scenario and only the worst case scenario. Give yourself permission to wallow and only wallow – no solutions – no hope allowed during this time. BUT (and this is very important) when your time is up – your Pillow Fight is over – get back to detachment.

You can set 5, 10+ pillow fights during the day if that is what it takes – the point is to get “it” out appropriately vs. allow “it” – worry, fear, anger -seep into and spoil your day – your life.

Detach from your habit of anger, resentment, overwhelm, feeling taken advantage of …

What is your emotional habit? Everyone has one.
#3. Walk it off! The next time you start in, get up and walk it off, literally. Walk around the block and smell the flowers, window shop, find a puppy to pet … keep your focus on your body parts – feel your legs pumping – notice your breathing Just a five or ten minute walk break can help you detach and get back into the flow of Love & life.

Detach from the habit of repressing and going “numb.”

Get “it” out in a healthy physical way vs. an unhealthy way …
drinking, smoking, eating, ulcering, insomnia, hair loss ….
#4. Breathe! Notice your breathing right now. Is it coming up from your tummy or from high in your stressed out chest? When we are upset we tend to breathe high and shallow, or, at an extreme, suffer from Stress Related Asthma. I ended up in the hospital once at 2:00 a.m. with this and a bad case of denial … that’s another story, another time.

How to Breathe Properly (http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/shbreathing/ht/breatheproperly.htm)

How To Relax At Your Desk (http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/shrelaxation/ht/relaxdesk.htm)

Detach from shutting down, literally, when you are in pain.

How do you shut down? Is it working for you?
#5. Talk it Out! Have coffee with a friend or someone who may have gone through what you’re going through and could share their experience and hope. If you need to talk it out with a “pro” get several referrals from your doctor.

Detach from the need to suffer in silence.

“Isolation is the darkroom in which we develop our negatives.”


Finally … detachment is a Love Skill. Just like any skill – cooking (yikes!), hitting a killer backhand shot, dancing Salsa - it requires practice and patience to master. We are programmed to worry, blame and try to control other people and situations. Just for today try something new and start building a life you’ll Love to share with that very special SO …


Love on! Viveca
Viveca Stone is the author of two ebooks 88 MONEY Tips, Tools & Techniques & 88 HOURS Love Advice & Romance Talk. She also hosts Get Ready for Love! Radio. Please visit her website at www.GetReadyForLove.com

[Lupita]

Start loving yourself- Well this is what most desperate men are missing and this is the reason why they are desperate. You see you are thinking about the negative aspects of your personality and that's why you get desperate with time. You need to concentrate on the positive side of your personality and see what you are good at instead on thinking about what you lack. This simple shifting of mental attitude can get you the results you desire within no time.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself- Another thing most desperate guys do is they feel sorry for themselves all the time. They feel that no is ever going to be around them and they might end up alone. This very fear of maybe ending up alone eats them out and they get desperate. Learn to be positive and stop feeling sorry for yourself instead do something which would make you feel good about yourself. You see your actions alone in the right direction can get you what you want.
You lack the personal power that would keep you separate from others to the point you hardly recognize your own life because it is so wrapped up in another’s. The mistreatment continues as your self-esteem plummets. Your inner peace is damaged so that you can receive the love and approval you seek.

You believe that if you continue on the road you are traveling you will help heal the other. That is the goal in your mind, but a codependent will never heal another by putting up with abuse or by continuing to rescue them and bail them out of circumstances, or make excuses for them.

In order for you to begin building your life with sights on your own life and not another’s, you will have to detach yourself from the other. You do not have to totally detach from the other, only from the areas of their life you wish not to be involved with. Be strong enough to separate yourself from those areas of the others’ life and stop spending time making excuses for them.

We are all responsible for ourselves and the choices we make. And once we make those choices there are consequences that follow. There is an old parable regarding an older Cherokee man teaching his grandson about life. He tells the boy, “A fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is evil, one is good.” He goes on to describe the emotions of each. He tells the boy the same fight is going on inside him as well as every other person. The boy asks “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee replies, “The one you feed.”

Start to focus on your own life again. Set limits and boundaries on the areas you do not want to be associated with. Do not blame the other or get stuck in anger regarding past situations. This is not empowering to you. It was your choice as much as the other person’s.

Begin to start looking at your own life and ways you can improve it. Start to listen to your inner voice. Remember what your dreams are. Begin to build them. Learn to trust yourself. You cannot fill a void you feel within your life by someone or something outside yourself. Stand up for yourself and do not let the situation continue as it has. Require the respect you deserve.

You can begin to build your life with the dreams you may have forgotten about. Awaken those dreams. You deserve to chase and find those dreams. Don’t stop until they are yours.

© 2007 Lori Klauser

[Lupita]

I am coloring the parts that are most representative for my self, but since we suffer of the same thing it will probably be also for many fiends.

Love to you all.

God bless you all.

[lighter]

Highlighting the important passages is such a great idea when you;re dealing with so much information.

Good idea, Lupita. 

I've done it in some favorite books I revisit every so many years. 

I always highlight in a different color with each reading...... it's interesting to see what parts speak to me. 

it's always different.

[Lupita]

I am sorry to interrupt my own thread but the F*ck with detachment.

I read my thread this morning. It made me feel very positive. I had my fisrt opportunity to use my new skills during second period, when a student who is always looking fro problems, told me that I almost poked her eye when I passed a pencil to her. That never happened. She always makes drama from everything.
In third period I have a student who always find excuses for not being in class, then she needs to make up all the work while she is having fun outside the class, then she balmes me for all the information that she does not get.
Then in fourth period a sutudent told me that I never said they had a quiz, when the sign is on the board since one week ago.
I did my best, still I was coming home in a good mood, when I found an assistant principal who told me that I got five minutes late and she was going to add it up and if she gets an hour she will descount it from my pay check, then I worked it all again and it worked. I came home feeling better. Then my son called me that his car need a new engine when he just put anew engine. We have to barrow five thounsand doolars dfeom the bank to fix his car. I have to help him I have to cosign for him to get his loan, I am his mother. I cannot with somuch pressure. Stil I have to be thankful that my son is fine and it is only money.

WEll, I am very upset, and after all day fighting to be in a good mood, it is impossible when I recieve one kick after the other in the stomach. I am going to have a drink and take a pill to sleep, that will work.

FFFFFFFFF******************kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

Yep, a drink and a couple of pills will do the work I could not all day trying.All day, all day, all day trying to fight all day trying to feel better. I give up.

 

Es inutil. Todo mi esfuerzo es inutil.

[Hopalong]

is the love of our selves that will save us. and we just dont.

YET.

This is an extraordinary thread, Lupita.

Thank you for it.

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hi Hops, thanks for your kind words. It is so difficult. I consider part of my job to deal with difficult kids, or challenging kids, however is called, but what makes me upset is when parents do not believe me.

For example, yesterday, a student female, put her feet to touch the buttoks of the male student in front of her. He yelled "yiked!" and got up. I told my assistant principal and she said "write her up", I write her up and the mother comes today and tell me how come I am writing her up, that she said it was an accident. I said I saw what happened, I was there. The mothetr said but my daughter is telling me something doifferent, why she only has problems in your class. I have seen her in detention other times, I do not believe she misbehaves only in my class, but since the other teachers do not tell me anything, I have no way to know. And I sont know why she misbehaves in my class specially.
So, now I have to feel good becuase I am at home and I have a date since a very long time ago. But, I cant let go. I feel tense because the mom does not believe me.
I am tired, very tired. And sad, and lonely.