Detachment

[Lupita]

It seems that the more I read on detachment, the more it works. I just read it, and it sinks in, into my brain, little by little.
I had a problem yesterday at shool. I sent some kids to the library. Five minutes later, the librarian came to my class and yelled at me in front of the other students. She said that I was not controlling my classes because I was sending them to the library, and I was putting too much stress on her and that nobody liked me and that ....I dont rememeber how muhc more she told me. So unprofessional. I talked to the elementary principal who has been very supportive of me. She said that I have to pray about it and I had to read Mathew 18 and talk to her and bring peace to my self by resolving the situation with her. On my own.
I was wondering if I did somting like that if they would tell the other person to resolve it on her own. I am shure I was going to eb called to the office and be accused of unprofessionalism. But if somebody does something to me I have to resolve it on my own.

Today I am just feeling a little unfomfortable for the injustice but not the huge pain I used to feel in the past when something like that happened. I have beel always disrespected by others.

It does not hurt that muhc now.

In the future, probably I will deffend my self better.

But starting by not feeling so bad is a good start.

After I can feel not bad I will start to have a better reaction with more assertiveness.

[Lupita]

Very sad today. I have 176 students. I have problems with four of them. I have six classes. I have five very successful classes. I have problems with only one class. The four students that give me problems are all in the same class.
Still, the parents and the administration think that is is my fault. If it is my fault, how can I be successful with all the others?
Why is it always me?
I guess I have to post this in the thread of why me.
 

[Lupita]

Should I just lower my standards and play by different rules? I am so cunfused! Dont they realize that I am going to be shaped by what they do? I am learning! I should not give true grades!!! That is what they want! Is it? I am totally confused. I feel sorry for my self. Sorry. Sorry that I feel sorry for my self. I shoudl give an A to everybody. Then they would be happy with me.

[Lupita]

Why, and just why, are parents just wnt to back up kids at all costs? No matter what! Do not they realize that they have to deal with them for the rest fo their lives and the teahcer just for 45 minutes a day?
The kis will be a probelm for them forever!the teacher only 45 min a day!
Why parents dont want to help????????????????????????????????

[Lupita]

I better go to apply for a job a Wal Mart and stop worrying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Is it worth it?

Why am I the only one to be concerned?

We are building ofr the duture!!!!!!!!!!!!1 and Nobody cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for us, for all of us who do not believe in accountability for our kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is very sad. But one day somebody will say, that ols Lupita was talking about it.

 

[Violet]

Lupita,
It's all I got but here goes....

(((((((Lupita)))))))

v

[Leah]

((((((( Lupita ))))))

Sincerely, and honestly, my heartfelt thoughts too.

As I read the news of the day, regarding children and young people, both in my country, and in your country too.  It is heartbreaking, as children are our future.  Materially, they may have much, yet, they have so little, to live on, in the future, seemingly.  No-one likes to talk about the subject, hoping it will go away?  Nothing new under the sun.

Love, Leah

[Lupita]

Thank you Lea and Violet. Thank you so much for your kind words.

I have 176 students. Zero failures. Zero "F". My lowest student got a 64. And they are truely learning what they are suposed to learn.

I only have problems with four students. But administration thiks it is my fault.

All my classes are learning. You have to see them speaking Spanish. I am doing a very good job. Still they do not like me. My administration do not like me.

They say that I have too many problems. They dont like me.

My friends have told me that I should start looking for a job somewhere else. I feel very disappointed and sad, because I work very hard for them, and not even in a school where they demand so much, and I work so hard, for a very low salary, not even there they like me. I am not welcome anywhere. I am not welcome in this world, period.

Nobody welcomed me into this f**nk world.

I am so sad. So sad!!!

[Violet]

Lupita,
I think if we lived in the same town and knew each other, we would be friends.  I would be deeply honored to have a friend like you.  You seem so fearlessly honest, intelligent, and giving.  I think you are really hard on yourself, though.  I wish I could magically reveal to you how absolutely divine and worthy of cherishing you truly are.  I don't know how to give you this gift, though, maybe it is a gift only one can give oneself, I don't know....
Violet

[finding peace]

Dear Lupita,

I honestly don’t know what kind of advice I can give that might help.  I would be extremely frustrated in your situation.

From what you have written, it sounds like you are trying to control the situation but you are not getting any support from the administration or the parents.  And I’ll bet those kids know it and are taking full advantage of it.

I have some ideas, but doubt they are feasible (not sure they would work in a privately funded school): 

Can you make part of the grade dependent on positive interaction in the class – with x number of slip ups (and you would have to give them advance notice of this) they fail.  Period.  At that point, if they want to improve their grade, they have to earn it back by helping out in the class or extra credit.  Maybe start with a contract, have the student sign it and have their parent’s sign it?

Another thought.  Set-up a video camera in the corner of the room and tell the class that from this point forward, you will be video taping the class. 

Or a more positive spin – they sound like cocky little things - can you challenge them in some way – make a bet with them that given their behavior so far, you don’t think they can behave for a week – and if they win – they get a homework pass (and the other kids could get this too for good behavior) and if you win they have to do something for you (like clean the classroom or do more homework?).  If they win so many weeks running, they get a field trip?

As far as the librarian – that was extremely, extremely unprofessional on her part.  She had no right 1) to interrupt your class, 2) to say those things, and 3) to say those things in front of your students - she undermined you in front of your students.  If you are up to it, I would lodge a formal written complaint with human resources (if you have that) or with the administration.  There is no excuse for her unprofessional behavior.  It is one thing for her to come to you privately and with respect and courtesy to discuss the situation – but to do it the way she did it – unacceptable.

I used to work at a place that was pretty bad.  The politics were unbelievable.  I came to realize that there was no fixing it – and that the only thing I could do was change my outlook.  I got to the point where when I got in my car to leave for the day, I would close a mental door on work and open a new door in my mind that this was my time.  I refused to allow the frustration of work to carry over into my private life.  It wasn’t always easy – it would sneak back, but as soon as I realized what I was doing, I would shut that door again.  I needed that time to unwind and recoup.

Is teaching your passion?  It seems to me with your education you have a tremendous amount of opportunities open to you.  You could do translation work (particularly for drug companies – informed consent forms, package inserts in foreign languages), safety surveillance – all of which would pay quite a bit.  I am not sure of the requirements, but you might be able to teach at the college level (where I think the attitude might be improved), or even adult language/science classes at local colleges.

Hang in there Lupita – 3 more months till summer?  Maybe we should start a count-down to your last day?

(((((I care Lupita)))))

Peace

PS – Sorry in advance if I am not making sense or misunderstanding – I have the plague (the flu), which has knocked me on my butt.  Haven’t been this sick in a long time.  Any good home remedies for the flu?  I asked my doctor to put me in a coma till it passed, but he didn’t go for the idea – ha!

BTW – that lack of accountability you speak of – I believe that is one of the factors that made my father what he was.  It is sad to see it happening to children, it saddens me to think of where they will be 20 years from now, and wonder how many they might hurt along the way.  Maybe the only option you have is to focus on the majority of kids who are trying and learning.  With those 4 trouble makers, maybe the best thing you can do is ignore them.  For some kids and people, negative attention is attention.

[Lupita]

Thank you Violet. I am working on that. Thank you for caring, I need so much of friendship. I feel very lonely.

Thank you FP. I gace them extra points for silence. They stay at their desks, and talk in a low voice.
If they do not talk at all, they get one full point for the exam for each day. They can talk about Spanish work. Not gossip or movies, etc. So, for that they get a full point for next exam. And one full point for general grade at the end of the quarter.

The four students that are the problem, do not take advantage of that. The others do. But, the others do not need the points because they are very good students. When there are conferences, the parents of the good students come to the ocnferences and the four bad do not even show.

I promised a filed trip but it was not aproved.

I was giving them one day pass for the library, but look what the librarian did to me.

So, there is no reward. I promised a movie, the day of the movie, the four bads, un-plug the cables of the DVD player and it took me several minutes to find out what was wrong. Then they put the cable away so I could not find it. They destroyed my activity.

Those four, are very rich people. One of them own a bank, very old money, his family have been reach for more than 200 years.

And that kid has at least six cousins and friends, who come to the school. They belive they own the school because their family donate a lot of money to the school. The administration love them too much.

The pastor just bought three new cars. They are good friends. So, I am just a piece of trash, disposable. They can get a Spanish teacher any moment they want. It is very sad.

The websites are empty. No jobs. No Spanish jobs. Very difficult.

I know they cannot fire me because I have not done anything bad, but they want me to leave, and that is why they allow people to mistreat me. They want me to feel so uncomfrotable that I leave on my own.

And I will. I will leave. They do not deserve a person like me. I am very hard worker and if I have a quality it is HONESTY.

I do not match their needs. I am aware of that. I am just afraid that there will not be jobs. The economy is bad and society does not want to spend moeny ine ducation, if they do it is math and English, they do not want to spend in art, music or foreign langage. That is why I am so sad.

I am afraid not to find another job. I do not think I should come back to this school wher ethey have been so mean and so unfair to me. Plus, they pay very little.

Thank you FP for caring.

Love to you.

[finding peace]

Dear Lupita,

Sounds like you are fighting the enemy that can’t be beat – money.  Seems to me that the god worshiped at that school isn’t god, but money.

Sad – but there it is. 

Can’t fight it Lupita.

It isn’t you – it is a situation that is beyond your control to change.  No matter how hard you fight, seems to me that the money will win.  The irony is that this is a Christian school isn’t it?

Reminds me of my family.  I fought for years and years to be seen for who I really was and not the malignant evil child ….. but in fighting, it just reinforced their opinion of me.  No matter what I did – it didn’t matter.

The only way I could attain a semblance of peace was to step out of the situation – there was no changing it - I had to let go.  Sounds like your situation is similar?

I have found that, in general, people tend to dislike people who rock the boat; people who challenge the status quo (no matter how right it is to do so).  You are between a rock and a hard place.

How about allowing yourself to let go for the weekend.  Forget about school.  Go out and do something nice for yourself – even if it is a trip to a museum, beach for a walk, anything.  Give yourself permission to forget about the four trouble-makers and reward yourself for the more than 100 kids who are doing well.

When you go back to school on Monday, focus your energies on those kids who want to learn.

I am sorry Lupita – not much help I know.

((((Lupita))))

Peace

[Lupita]

Well, yes, you helped. Because I am always blaming my self, I dhould have done this or that, etc. If I just was more this or less that.

And you just said it.

Evil people do a lot of projection, they shape you and provoke you and then complain how imappropriate youa re.

They go in to my class room when I am not there, and move things, take things, then sy that I am disorganized and I dont know where I put things, and tnen when I complain that somebody was in my classroom the accuse me of being paranoid.

There is no way I can win.

And you just said it. You just said it. It is beyond my control.

I have tu finish the year and pray the Lord that I find another job.

I started sending resumes last night.

I will continue doing it every weekend.

Well, thank you Finding Peace becuase you reminded me that it is not me. I was feeling so inappropriate. It was not me.
I did not to any thing wrong.

Love to you.

[Lupita]

Interesting article. Not that I can do it but that is good to know.
Here’s an important rule for life: It’s not all about you. To develop a thick skin you must first remember that you are not the center of the universe. Yes, sorry to say, you are not the fixed point around which the universe turns.

Say someone isn’t paying you enough attention. You brood and brood. “Is she mad at me?” “Did I say something wrong?” Your gloomy thoughts intensify, leaving you emotionally crippled and thinking that you have ruined everything.
Yet there may be a good reason for her inattention. Maybe she’s having a rough week at work, and she has ten projects to complete by Friday, all of which are putting her in a foul mood. Or think about it in another way. Maybe she is behaving badly and being a jerk. But why are you fussing over it?

If this is how your mind works, you may indeed be overly thin skinned. And some rethinking is in order. You will need to learn a few skills and think outside yourself.

Here are a few tips to developing a thick skin:

Don’t take things personally. Sometimes you may need to reframe a person’s bad behavior by remembering that it’s not about you.
Don’t let others get to you. Refuse to get overly responsive to the negative feelings and provocations of others. Adopt strategies that regulate emotional arousal; otherwise negativity hijacks the thinking brain. Try simple deep breathing or declare time out. Remember that everyone gets rejected sometimes. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a few times to get it right. Successful people are rejected over and over, but never stop trying.
When you’re rejected or something doesn’t go your way, counterpropose a new solution. Often, the person declining your offer is not rejecting you. He may even want to hear another idea. Successful individuals come back from rejection with new proposals. They’re creative at coming up with additional ways of looking at things and solving problems.
Don’t hesitate to unstick sticky situations. If you’re discussing an issue and the conversation is going off track, stop it and restart it on the right track. You could say: “This isn’t going productively. Let’s reshoot this scene from the beginning” or “Can we take it from the top?”
Don’t be self-focused. If you do focus on yourself, you’ll likely dwell on your shortcomings. Instead, think about your goals and what steps you need to get there.
Stop the self-talk. Counter self-defeating self-talk with truth talk: “You can be your own worst enemy, so give yourself a break.”
Don’t worry about looking stupid. If you are asked a question and you don’t know the answer, you can simply say, “I need to think about that and get back to you later.”
Learn to be patient. Don’t be impulsive or react to a situation without giving yourself time to cool off. Don’t be quick to blame. Recognize that other people have their ups and downs.
Think about others. Enter social interactions with this thought of making the experience itself enjoyable. Ask yourself, “What can I do to make you feel more comfortable?” This content is Copyright Sussex Publishers, LLC. 2008. This content is intended for personal use and may not be distributed or reproduced without the consent of Sussex Publishers, LLC. Please contact licensing@psychologytoday.com for more information.

[Violet]

Reminds me of my family.  I fought for years and years to be seen for who I really was and not the malignant evil child ….. but in fighting, it just reinforced their opinion of me.  No matter what I did – it didn’t matter.


Peace

That would be me....   Violet