Hi everyone,
I've been feeling a lot of anger toward the N pastor lately. (I'm 98% sure he's an N, can't be sure, of course, and sometimes I think maybe he has other "issues" in the cluster B arena) I always have felt angry, since he initiated the second set of harassment charges in late January. (And also when he initiated the first, but I was a lot more confused then.)
It's hard to describe what this new stage is. In the first weeks/months I felt a kind of bold, broad anger with him -- it was so obvious. Generally I can easily get in touch with the anger when I feel it.
For many weeks previous to this, I would not only feel the anger during the day, but I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling real anger, in some ways more acute than what I felt during the day. I think I was probably dreaming about the situation or working it out in dreams. Sometimes I remembered the dream and was aware of it, but about 80% of the time I had no idea what I'd been dreaming, I just woke up in anger. It was so bizarre (but kind of fascinating, too) to just wake up and feel rage.
In the last several days I have had some glimpses of just how outrageous what this man did, was. That a pastor could behave in the way he did -- pursuing me, then bringing me up on charges without EVER talking to me about it (in my mind one of the best indicators that bringing the charges was all baloney) -- doesn't say much about him as a pastor, does it? At the very least he didn't handle the situation well; and at the worst what he did was just beyond abominable. The best I can say is that he did seem to try to control himself; we never got involved (I was trying to protect his reputation and also make the relationship right under God's eyes, and set things up for the future, so that no one could insinuate anything immoral had been going on. Ha! What a fool I was!! Mr. Don Juan himself!)
I realize this is just a fantasy on my part, but sometimes I think he stopped short of getting really involved, and brought up both sets of charges, because he knew it would be destructive for me. That is, the first time the sexual component was just too tempting; the second time he just wanted to do something so bad that it would destroy any hint of connection. (I had sent him an email that said he couldn't hurt me like that again like he had last year; that's when he escalated the charges in a more public and brutal manner this winter. It was instant retaliation.)
But that would be displaying empathy, and although he had tons as pastor, he has none as a human being. So it's a fantasy.
It gets hard for me sometimes to deal with the betrayal. This was someone I was really fond of for years; he was a big part of my support system just because we were pals (that is, I never went to him for counseling). I worked with him while I was a commission chair for several years, and it always went very well. He always was very empowering to me -- chimed in with his ideas but always gave me complete latitude to do what I wanted, and encouraged me to step up to the plate. We got a lot done while I was chair, made a lot of innovations. There also were some things we did in this capacity that were really nice and special, built a genuine warmth (it seemed) between us. We always had a very special relationship (but never inappropriate in any way, just a good pastor/parishioner relationship). He always appreciated my talents, especially my musical ones.
And as I've said, he was like a brother to me. I feel so betrayed and "discharged" by someone I cared very deeply for, even before I fell in love with him.
When I think of who he seemed to be for all those years, and what he was to me, and who he ultimately turned out to be -- I sometimes have trouble putting it all together. I saw his non-pastoral self a few times, and it was really bizarre. Often he acted like a little toddler around me, and once in awhile I saw this strange, bizarre grandiose personality that was actually very comical. I'm glad I did -- it's what confirms to me that the person I knew was a complete fake.
He was/is a bad, bad man -- so full of anger and badness. It's very hard to put all this together. The bad man vs. the really great guy I knew. We always seemed to have such a connection, and such an easy one ... now that I see it was just all in the name of him getting supply, it makes me so angry to know that the "connection" existed only because he knew how to play to what I wanted, first as a friendly parishioner, then on a romantic level. He let me be vulnerable to him, and keep revealing myself to him, just to gain ammunition in his quest for supply.
I know this is just another stage in letting go. It's hard to explain, but as the acute, obvious part of what he did goes away, I become more aware of what requires more subtlety to perceive but when I do, is more widespread and powerful damage. It's not as easy to see but when I see it, it feels much deeper and far-reaching.
There are so many layers/roles to deal with -- sort-of friend, quasi-brother, the past year of a seeming budding romance, and pastor. I think his betrayal as a pastor is really coming to the fore, and that's what hurts the most. It is absolutely outrageous that a pastor would bring up harassment charges against a parishioner. It is so against Christianity and what Christ stood for, and what a pastor is supposed to do. Sometimes I think I still haven't fully comprehended it. It is such a deep, deep betrayal.
I was cleaning out my emails the other day and saw his name and I felt terrified. I went back later to do more of the same, and had the same reaction. Just seeing his name provoked instant fear and panic. (Because when the fog lifted, some of what he was doing was almost harassment, although he controlled it; and I ended up being very afraid of him. When I talked to the committee that investigated his second set of charges, my fear came out very readily -- even I was surprised at how afraid of him I was -- and that's why they made him write a letter stating that he would never contact me again. He will face very serious charges if he does).
I also feel very betrayed by finding out about the other things he did that have nothing to do with me -- the long-term affair; the numerous and plentiful affairs that we now know of (and there were probably many more; he had a wide sphere of influence beyond the church); sticking the church wth the house we helped him buy; not paying his property taxes; and having an illegimate child. And that's just what I know! (The "love child" thing really puts it over the top. Just what every pastor should have.)
Long and short (or not so short, ha, ha, seeing how much I've written) -- this man really did a number on me.
...I realize the actual details are sketchy; I've been intending to post the story but haven't been quite ready to do that yet.
I'm actually doing ok -- it's mostly behind me and I'm moving on with my life, etc., not stuck in this situation, but the letting go and/or feelings seem to come in waves or feelings. This was a new stage; I just wanted to write and say that I am angry, and hitting what appears to be a new stage in letting go. Which is a good thing, of course!
But what a .... can't write the word!... he is. Really hard to fathom.
