What? I'm not alone out here?

[lostkitten]

Hello everyone.

Hmmm, where to start? A few weeks back I tried to join a group that asked for a little background info. Their email said they were slow to respond, but it’s been over two weeks. In the meantime I’ve been reading everything I can find on the Internet.  I’m giving up; I need to talk with someone. So I guess I can start with a copy of what I sent them. Then maybe I can elaborate on some of it.

“I am 58 years old, with a mother of 82 years whom I never want to see again, or ever to talk to. When she dies - I won't be there. I feel nothing toward her. Less then nothing. She is incapable of love or feelings. (Except anger.) I found many years ago that hate only hurts me. I 'think' I've learned not to hate anymore. If I hate her then she still controls me.

Although my mother is my biological mother, I grew up as a little girl confused about her. I was sure my father was mine, but kept imagining my mother must have married him after he was widowed or something. I didn't understand why I was in the wrong family. I would pray that someday my 'real' mother would find me. I wanted to feel like I was loved and wanted.
 
I recently saw my mother after nearly 15 years; she let me know that she hates me and has always hated me, and never wants to see my f___ing face again. My younger brother died last month after a long battle with cancer. She did not cry or shed a tear, nor did she want to see him before his death. He had been dis-owned by her (about 25 years ago) because they argued over her trying to control his family. Now after his funeral she is calling his widow (his childhood sweetheart) to tell her what a bad person he always was.
 
My dad was a non violent alcoholic, my mother complained about him being a drunk, but was sure to buy and leave a six pack in the fridge (that's all it takes) to keep him drunk for months. When the bills were paid, how she spent money, vacation plans - no one was going to look over her shoulder or interfere with her plans. If he was sober he knew what was going on, and she was not going to have that.
 
My dad died 16 years ago, I was always close to him, I was a caretaker at a very early age. Someone had to take care of him. After his death my mother wanted to know if the relationship I had with him was based on incest. I was shocked! I knew she hated me, and knew her opinion of him was low, but not that low. The question was based on her reasoning that no one could love me unless I gave them sex. Pretty sick! By the way, the answer is No, my dad was not that sick!
 
I had bleeding ulcers before I was 8 yrs old. As a young child I tried many, many attempts at suicide. My secret - no one knew. (Stupid kid stuff, like a bunch of aspirin, (someone told me it could kill you), this was after I was found to have an ulcer.) Not until I was in my thirty's did I ever share this info about me. It's still something I very rarely mention. But every failed time I would vow that the next time I could stand the stomach pain longer, maybe if I held out with the pain just one more minute, I could have been dead. Then I would stand in the backyard, pour a raw egg in my mouth, throw up a pile of white foam, and walk away disappointed (failure) in search of Maalox. Vowing I will do it right the next time.
 
I ran away at 14 years old, I guess that made my mother look bad. She turned me over to the state. I have never been forgiven. She still brings it up, like when she said that she has always hated me.
 
At about age 30 the mother of 4 children, I was called to jury duty, after an exhausting 6 week trial while in deliberation with 11 others, I found out for the 1st time in my life - my opinion matters! What a shock.
 
She uses money often to lure people into her web. No string attached - just A BALL & CHAIN!  "If you are going to make an offer on that house, how about if I give you an extra 20 grand for that down payment?" "Don't worry about paying me back." Most all of her grand kids know by now not to accept and run away fast. Then don't answer her calls. Because a few of them are paying the price. With money paid back they still owe her for the rest of their life
 
I've been living 2500 miles away. This past winter I was in a situation along with my daughter and grandchildren where we had to see her. It was so sad in many ways for my daughter and grand kids to finally see the evil in her. On the other hand it was amazingly great for me to know my daughter has seen a little of the beast and now understands a bit.
 
A cousin of mine, who has spent his life as a medical professional, told me my mother would have a hard time hiding her narcissism now that she is dealing with age and some dementia. I knew she had OCD really bad. But narcissism? I started to read everything I could about NPD and the children of these people. Everything fit. Questions like: Gee, is that why I've never been able to make demands of people? Etc. I just kept reading more with my mouth hanging open. Understanding her more then ever before. Almost feeling sorry for that creature that sort of looks human. But I don't - how can you feel sorry for someone who thinks the whole world is jealous of her. While keeping her little shameful secrets.
 
I don't know if I can voice myself in your group, or if I'll just lurk for awhile. I need the validation. I need to know others understand how I feel. That others feel the same as I do. That this whole thing exists, and I'm not the one that is insane. Most people don't have a clue. I feel I was born from but without a mother.
 
Sorry, this is just sort of slammed together rambling. I'm not sure if I can post it in your group or not. I mean if I can make myself do it or not. I could go on for many, many pages of painful memories and the pain I feel today.
 
I'm not young, I want to heal. I really need to outlive her and she'll probably live well into her nineties. In order for me to be healthy and strong, I need to heal and move on. If it's too late for me - I need it for my kids and grand kids.
 
I'm just going to send this to you as is.
Thank you for your consideration.”
It was hard enough for me to write that, then to have no response. Well, they said they are slow at even opening the requests, let alone replying.

One of the 1st articles that I read mostly with my mouth hanging open was: 

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists (Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers)

This was my life; I was the scapegoat, except that:
  1, My mother never apologized, ever about anything.
  2, She was not weepy, or boo-hoo, she just plotted more everlasting revenge.
  3, She always bought school pics, she would have looked bad to my aunts (on dad's side) if she didn't.

I got goose bumps while reading it. A feeling like somebody saw part of my life. A fly on the wall. There was some insight into things that I thought no-one knew. Part of my life was just suddenly exposed!

I’m now trying to get my grown daughters to read it (maybe as a Mother’s Day gift to me). I feel I need them to understand. To finally know who I really am. I sent one daughter a link to it, after reading about two pages of it, she replied: “That’s amazing like…WOW, it’s totally grandma.” I hope she finishes reading it and I hope to get my other children to read it also. It is sooo important to me. I’m going to send a copy of it to my SIL, it’ll help her understand (May my little brother rest in peace) her husband. My nephew and nieces need to know. I want my grandkids to know, I want my cousins to know. I WANT THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO KNOW! She is a CHILD ABUSER!  And the abuse continues forever. I want EVERYONE who knows her to know what she has done, the lives she has ruined.

I want to feel better, Now I’m crying. Such loss.

Well, I’ll pause for now. I don’t even know if anyone will read this far. My own daughter only read two pages from that one link. I’m just being reminded of how alone I feel inside.

If you are reading this: May God bless you immensely with love and understanding and peace in your life.[/size]

[lostkitten]

Just to clarify, this post isn’t about me trying to join another site at an earlier date. That was just something I had already written, easy to copy and paste. A good place to start, as I’m not sure I know how to begin here, sharing my life. I don’t know if I’ll even be welcome here. It’s not easy for me to spill out my guts.

[lostkitten]

 I never even had a clue about Malignant Narcissists until just recently, although I grew up knowing a lot of the effects. I didn’t know there was a name for it.

Suicide. I guess that’s a good place to start. Something I’ve never felt comfortable sharing. I might as well jump right in. I always think of the word suicide right along with the expression suicidal maniac.

I was always pretty naïve. I believed the neighbor lady when she told me never take aspirin without permission because it can kill you. I asked her how many, she said “Maybe 10, but for a kid as little as you maybe just 6 or 7, no about 5. Seven is probably too much.” Funny I can remember that, probably because I experimented a lot because of it. 

I took 7 aspirin and lived so I guess she was right, (7 is too many) now I just got to work my way down, then later trying larger amounts. The funniest thing about it was that my Nmother took a nursing course b/c a woman who had befriended her was dying of cancer. My NM gave her shots and had her meds in our cabinet. There were major drugs, pain-killers etc, stuff that would have easily killed me. I remember seeing the prescription bottles in the cabinet with her name on them. I remember thinking that she was dying - so those pills were something to make you live.  So I didn’t take them. There must have been an angel watching over me during those times.

If you don’t know about ulcers, they are open sores in your stomach(or elsewhere). One bar-b-que potato chip can cause great amounts of pain. Aspirin can be a killer, but not literally as I found out. Just a lot of pain. When I said I would swallow an egg that was to make me throw-up. The large amount of white foam was the aspirin and water, or stomach acid. The aspirin caused me such a belly ache, that I would force myself to throw-up to just stop the pain. I just wanted to die; I didn’t understand why it would have to hurt so much to do it. I was angry at myself for giving up (on my attempt) too soon.  It’s funny that I didn’t think about giving up on life too soon. I just really believed I didn’t belong there. There was some kind of mistake.

As I grew older (maybe 11) I tried different things. I saw a program on TV where someone was murdered with ground glass put in their food… That didn’t kill me either. That had the added benefit that my NM might go to prison for murder though. My family never knew about any of this. My death was going to be a surprise. I was not going to let them ruin it for me, the way everything else was ruined

At my brother’s funeral last month I asked an Aunt that I haven’t seen in nearly 30 years “Why didn’t anyone ever question why a little 7 yr. old child had an ulcer in the 1st place, and why was she given Valium daily?” My aunt never even knew about it. I know she went right to my NM with questions later. About 50 years too late.

I did come to learn that suicide is not the answer. I’ve always had God in my life. As I gained a little wisdom over the years I came to know it’s wrong. I’ve come to know that I have to stay here to finish what I’ve started. I have children and grand children that I love dearly.

Please, know I’m not suicidal now. I would never, ever cause that kind of grief for my kids or grandkids. Besides, it would put a smile on my Nmother’s face. We can’t have that.

I’ve come to believe in reincarnation, OMG! If I were to comment suicide, I just know I would have to come back - just to do another round with HER. Not happening.

[lostkitten]

It dawned on me that I didn’t come to believe in reincarnation until much later in life.

I remember between the ages of 8 – 10 yrs. old laying in my bed crying, talking to God. I knew that I was put in the wrong family. I remember asking God (All Knowing) how he could make such a mistake. I knew that this woman was not my mother. A mother loves their children. This woman did not love me. I knew all I could do was pray that some day she would find me. My real mother, the one who existed only in my mind.

I guess if I write anymore it'll be just be chronologically some of what has happened to me.
Thanks, if anyone is listening.

[lostkitten]

First thank you all, and Ami, Hopalong, seasons, leah and Deb so much for your warm welcome. Everyone has been so loving and kind.

Tonight I received this email, I thought I would share this just for the record. If I had not found you all in this wonderful place for those of us who have been voiceless, this rejection would have bothered me a lot. The idea that I had to wait so long (nearly a month) for them to get around to me just seems wrong (how about narcissistic?).

Request to join Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits denied

Your request to join the Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits group was not approved.
The moderator of each Yahoo! group chooses whether to restrict membership in the group. Moderators who choose to restrict membership also choose whom to admit.

Please note that this decision is final and that Yahoo! Groups
does not control group membership.

Again thank you all for your open arms. I was really feeling a need to share my feelings with people who understand when I came here. They (ACON) don't want it to be open for just anyone like narcissistic people to sneak in, so it stays a safe place. You saw what I sent them - I guess I don't qualify. That's just pretty damn low.

I don't need them. So anyway, I will soon get back to working on my story here, and all these things that I need to release and march upward and onward always to a better place within.

[lostkitten]

Wow!I can't believe it's been nearly a year that I have been away from an on-line computer and only on-line at the library, with grandkids at hand.

Having read my unfinished story, I can see that I was feeling pretty angry. And it looks like more than just a few people read it.

I have longed all year to get back on here. Believe me when I say that I have thought about you and your stories a lot, and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. You have touched my life, and no, you are not forgotten

Now that I'm back in a home of my own again (with unpacked boxes everywhere) I plan on continuing the story that I need to tell.  Just give me a little unpacking time   And I truly hope that my sharing can be of help to someone as I help my inner child heal. I'm am in a much more peaceful place within, but I have a lot of healing still ahead of me. I pray that we all can be blessed with lasting love and peace within.