Thanks Mary & Nic for responding, I been reading through the site. Realizing how it's my fault too as to why his behavior needs redirection. As my choice to go on living like this is unproductive, however spinning wheels & walking in quicksand is yesterday's conversation. He's a sickie, but I am no better by sticking around waiting to be emotional jolted; he's not changing to a better person, he's getting worse, waiting for him to get better on his own is like waiting on the improbable. I'm taking myself out of the tainted picture by taking care of myself again; last energies spent on crying, wondering, questioning, paralyzed by why's and I am TAKING ACTION. Too much energy wasted on WHEN & WHY... it's nearing 2003 4th Quarter; 4 months left in the year -- nope, not gonna do it anymore.
FYI, my pain signals have gone out to the universe, bounced back and sent my friend to let it all out -- I was writing to this message board this morning because his last slam was severe, difficult and disturbingly harsh. ASK you will RECEIVE for help, and she called. Well I verbally spew out the bile that's robbed me of 2 years and with verbalizing my situation, hearing my own pain outloud, (it's not the same as passively writing it down in a diary) and hearing her response, seeing her face squish in disbelief that I put up with all this nonesense, I managed to reorganize thoughts of the future, I'm retracing the steps and going back to the old productive self, ending the frumpy prissy martyr outfit choices I have made to satisfy HIS idea of what a "natural woman" looks like, my girlfriend found "fitted" cloathing in the sales racks and said I have to stop hiding in oversized things. It's all relative how we present ourselves to the EXTERNAL world and what we see in the mirror. SO, THEREFORE, it's a return to my regimen of health, wealth and happiness one day at a time.
How to be productive again? Making the correct choices. Where failure has reared it's ugliness, it's time to shake it off and out. Get back on the Iron Horse and ride those fat tires out to the mountains again.
Well, starting with the Fridge: veggies & water will re-enter this domicle -- no more soda and crunchie, chippy, greasy foods; yes my eating habits changed on his watch; soul robbing, vitamin depleting food choices -- Foolish!
Next, it will be the return to spandex, tee-shirt, scrunchy ponytail, sneaker GEAR to walk, run and gain back that 12-minute mile girl I was; dedicating one hour to "BEING" not just EXISTING. As I will not be the punching bag for 1 hour x 3 days a week, SOMEONE will have to find other sources of amusement -- I'll be busy sweating.
Finally, it will culminate in focusing on my career and mental health; and while there's only so much time per day, a reorganization of my time dedicated to me is in order. Weeeeeee!
To the future! Cheers Everyone!
In summary, it is simple: Rethinking things, verbalizing the pain is quite important to see what others see, redirecting the energies, focusing, and clean out that fridge & closet. Make better choices. Be yourself & Love yourself.
And if he wants to join me, he's welcome unconditionally because my focused strength will outweigh his fragmented thoughts, we can even squeeze in some couples therapy, if not, c'est la vie, ciao to him, don't let the door slam to hard behind you, and here's a postal service change of address form, it's been mighty enlightening -- see you on the other side. This is a pink slip globalization, results wanted, production and goals needed, everything & everybody else gets on the ship or off the ship; and other's can rescue those that can possibly "make the ship" with a few tweaks, words, counseling.
TO VITALITY, LIVING, COMMUNICATING POSITIVE CHANGES AND A BETTER WORLD. Cheers!
