Good Questions to Ask (Yourself) Before Posting if you wish

[dandylife]

Ask Yourself About Questions

Is my question sincere?
Is it entrapping?
Do I really want to know the answer, or am I trying to prove my own point?
Do I already think I know the answer? If so, why am I asking the question?
Did I load it with my own feelings?
How did my tone sound? Was it neutral or coaxing or attacking?
Are there other questions that would elicit more information?

Ask Yourself About Statements

Have I tried to convince the person to agree with me?
Have I stated my opinion as fact?
Am I hiding some of what I thought or felt?
What else am I thinking and feeling?
What am I thinking that I would not want the person to know?
Am I stating parts of my position that don't show vulnerability and hiding the parts that do?
Am I expressing the part of my statment that shows my insecurity and hiding the part that reveals my opinion?
Have I said what I hear the other person saying?
Have I shared my own insights and observations about the person's reaction?
Have I stated my own thoughts and feelings?
Did I express my observations neutrally and confine my feelings to statements about my own experience?

Asking Yourself About Predictions

Am I using this prediction to threaten the other person into doing what I want?
Am I trying to punish the other person for considering a choice I don't like?
Am I just wanting to protect myself, or am I trying to control the other person?
Is my goal simply to be treated with respect and maintain reciprocity, or is there something else I want?
Is my tone neutral or filled with feelings? (hurt, judgment, anger)
Am I feeling respectful of the other person's right to make an independent choice?


From Taking the War out of our Words, Sharon Ellison
(adjusted - body language references deleted for online context)

Dandylife

[Lupita]

Hi Dandy, many times, I would say, most of the times, people are not looking for imformation, or opinions, may times, they just want to be listened. Most of times, people are fixed with their ideas and they just want some validation.

In my case I want to know what others think, although I might not do what others say, I want to know what they think.

My two cents.

[dandylife]

Lupita,

Yep. That's my point. There's communication - what's said. Then there's metacommunication - which goes beyond to encompass all the things you said, didn't say, intend, feel about it, are covering up, your filters, their filters, and on and on.

I'm just saying here, when you post, be aware of the metacommunication as it's all in one package!

Thanks,

Dandylife

[Lupita]

Do you think I am overweight?

No matter what we answer. The person is looking for :   Oh no, you look well, do not worry for that. Your inside is more important than your look.


Do you know if my husband is cheating on me? 
Do you think I should run off with this lover?

etc etc.

They are not looking for opinion.

Most of times people are venting. We just need to say..... I know how you feel.

I have  friend in a codependent relationship. She always is talking bad about her lover with whom she has been for 18 years. He drinks. Is she expecting me to tell her......"why dont you leave him?"

I am not going to say that.  So, she is not expecting that. What does she want? She has been with him 18 years. And she has been complaining for 18 years.

I went to a one day therapist. He said:  "Your mother died today, you do not have a mother anymore"

I said, but but but but but...... He said, "why do you want to stay connected to your mother" I could not answer.

I can garantee, that almost, nobody, nobody, nobody wants to hear the truth.

That has been the origin of many fights here, in real life, in jobs, with friends, everywhere.

That is the human condition.

Thank you for this thread.

[teartracks]

dandylife,

Good and profitable reading.

Thank you.

tt

[dandylife]

Lupita,

You make a good point! You're right - and I think most people deep down know the answer to their own plights. They do just need to say them out loud and have SOMEONE listen.

Hah! We've just now put therapists out of business! (wink)

I hear you, and I do agree.


My list above is more for someone who's maybe contemplating getting into a slightly confrontational or controversial conversation with someone where they know the other person is going to have a different opinion. It's a STOP, LOOK and LISTEN kind of thing where you ask yourself, what's my purpose? Where do I want to end up and what's the optimal way to get there using my voice?

Thanks - your points are thought-provoking and mindful.

Dandylife

[Izzy_*now*]

thank you dandylife
Izzy

[Lupita]

The less comfortable a person feels with his her self, the less tolerance has fro frustration. Goldyluk syndrom. Too hot, too cold, too soft, so hard. But in reality it is us who feel bad and have low tolerance fro frustration and become picky pikcy pikcy. I am the first one to be called on that.

What happened, that we get easily offended and think that others are saying something about us, when it coud be or not, and are afraid to express exactly what we want and get mad when the amswer that we are expecting is not what we get, not mad but frustrated.

The more private space the person needs, the more pathological of the problems, and the more picky, the more lack of confidence, the less tolerance for frustration, the less self esteem the person has.

Being said that that is the reason why many people calculate what to say in ureder to get the response they want because they cannot deal with the truth.

I am the first that has suffered from this. Just traying now after fifty years of age, better late than never.

Thank you Dandy for this thread.

[dandylife]

Lupita, what you said is very profound, "The less comfortable a person feels with his her self, the less tolerance has fro frustration. Goldyluk syndrom. Too hot, too cold, too soft, so hard. But in reality it is us who feel bad and have low tolerance fro frustration and become picky pikcy pikcy. I am the first one to be called on that.

What happened, that we get easily offended and think that others are saying something about us, when it coud be or not, and are afraid to express exactly what we want and get mad when the amswer that we are expecting is not what we get, not mad but frustrated."

I think you are onto something here. I see in my partner, a VERY low tolerance for frustration. A very low tolerance for any kind of response not "acceptable" to him. I think it is partially a control thing. And he wants the ability to persuade them to his own "right thinking". Very black/white.

I also see alot of sensitivity in others - your comment about being easily offended. I don't know why that is right now (not necessarily on the board - but in 3d life I'm seeing it.) Myself - as well.

I was at my book club the other night and one of my very best friends in the world just found out she's pregnant (8 wks) and her husband and my partner are friends as well and he blurted it out to my partner, who told me privately. I waited and waited for her to tell me personally. BUT at book club, in front of the whole room, she said "there's a good reason for me to stay sober tonight...." and everyone understood she was saying she's pregnant.

I was devastated that she told the whole book club without taking me aside first. I suppose that's n-istic, huh? But, I was feeling very minimized or whatever you want to say - not a very important friend. This book club is one I have been in for 7 years, and only invited her recently to join, so it's all my friends basically. So....anyway.....way too sensitive I know. I couldn't help but feel hurt.

How do you think you would feel? Would you have said something about your feelings?

I didn't.

I don't know - maybe there's more stress in the world - in the US, the economy is hurting, the presidential election is coming up and things are still in flux, the environment is questionable and the mideast is still in turmoil. I guess it's enough for anyone to have stress running continually in the background of life. If anything goes wrong, it seems so much more important.

Dandylife

[Gaining Strength]

How do you think you would feel? Would you have said something about your feelings?

My feelings would have been very hurt.  But I would not have said anything because I suspect that saying something would likely make matters worse.  I don't know why it is, I only know that it is usually the case that if I or someone tells a friend that their actions have hurt my feelings or someone else's feelings, most, though certainly not all, people will become defensive rather than be sorry that they unintentionally hurt their friend's feelings.

Not worth risking the whole friendship.  But that kind of slight can alter a friendship for sure.

I'm sorry that happened to you DandyLife.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Dandy,

I'm always trying to consider the other possibilities and this one just jumped out at me (because I've seen it happen often).

Is it possible that your good friend's husband told her that he'd blurted out the news to your partner...

and she consequently assumed that your partner had told you...

and so she was wondering why you didn't run to congratulate her when you two next met?

I mean, all it takes is a couple faulty assumptions to create quite a mess.

Hope you don't mind my suggestion of another explanation... and I may be completely wrong...
but you won't know if you don't ask, right?

Carolyn

[Lupita]

Dandy, I would have been felt hurt. I would have said nothing either. For the same reasons that SS is mantioning. She might tell you next time:

I am telling you this so and so first to you, because since I know you are so sensitive, you might get mad at me, so I am preventing it and tell you first, but I am going to tell averybody after. See? Probably she would not have understood. Or maybe she would have, You do not know.

Pick your battles. I was telling a friend whose daughter I was teaching piano for free, his wife got mad at me because I changed the hour, but if I am working fro free (one full year) at least I could change the hour. I told him, she could get mad if I got in bed with her husband or something bad, but, not because I change the schedule of a free class.

See? I do not think she will be sensitive enough to appreciate how much you care. I would forget about that and expect a shollow relationship with her.

Easy to say. I know. I would be hurting too. Probably coming here and telling people about it. Getting it out of my chest.

I would like to hear what others think.

Maybe others will tell you give her the benefit of the doubt. But if she is not considerate enough to give you a place as the one who brought her to your group, she is not considerate in others fileds either.

Hope that you recover soon, she is probably not worth it the pain. I am very sorry that you allowed somebody to hurt you. You gave her your power. I am sorry that you are hurting. I would be too. And I constantly give my power to others. I guess I always will.

My love to you. God bless you Dandy.

[Lupita]

I disagree respectfully with CH, because even if she knew that you knew, she still had a consideration of give you a special place, since you brought her to the group. She had the priviledge to be brought to a group by you, your friends.

I do believe that she was unconsiderate. I wish somebody helped me enter a group, I always enter groups alone on my own cohones. So, you did something nice for her.

I brought a friend to my book club, and she becamse best friends of the lieder and she ditched me out and the lieder kicked me out.

But, as CH says I might be wrong too.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Lupita

You know of which you speak

This is GOOD!......... about picking your battles.

I told him, she could get mad if I got in bed with her husband or something bad, but, not because I change the schedule of a free class.

You are one smart woman and you are going to do fine in everything you do!

Love
Izzy

[dandylife]

ShameSlayer, sounds like we react the same way! That's just what I was thinking.

Carolyn, I can see that. It did cross my mind as well. And that might be the key to letting the pressure valve go - "You know I knew you were pregnant but I wanted to give you the chance to telll me yourself!" or something like that to let her know I felt slighted but it wasn't a HUGE deal. I can see how she might have thought that I knew.

Lupita, Yes, I felt the onus was on her - it was her news and girlfriends have that special one on one thing with stuff like this. But that's expectations on my part - isn't it?

Thanks you guys for giving me some of your insights! I really appreciate it. Takes the sting out a bit.

I agree with Izzy, Lupita - you got a good head on your shoulders!

Dandylife