tips for raising self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Hi everybody.
probably because of N influences as a child and as an adult... my self-esteem is so low, and it gets in the way of me living fully.  
So many things I dream of doing, I don't believe I have the ability to do. (when actually the facts would prove otherwise).
I am shy and insecure about so many things, and there is no need for that.  I know this because some others have insisted, test scores prove it. Yet, I focus on my failures.  It is so difficult to change my focus.  
Does anyone have any ideas, practical ways, any tips at all for raising self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried any books?  There are loads of books and articles available online.

[Dawning]

Nice topic.  I'm open to making a list.    

I agree that reading books and articles will help.  And...

*trust your intuition

*do something active with your body that makes you sweat and work hard and that you can do by yourself at regularly scheduled times.

*try something new and healthy that you have always wanted to do and - if there is any internal resistance - "feel the fear and do it anyway."

*smile.  be nice. be gentle.  be flexible.

[ch]

Yet, I focus on my failures.

Did you learn anything from thinking about the failures?
Is it because you didn't learn anything, and that is why you are focusing on it?  Or is it because you learned it, and enjoy the process of reliving or reinforcing the lesson?  Is there something in the process of focusing on the failure that brings you affirmation?  or something of that sort?
Are you in disbelief of the failure?
Are you angry, upset, of indifferent?  
Is it possible you had learned or accepted someone else's negative opinion of you?

Have you focused on your achievements lately?
WHat is the difference between focusing on failures and achievements?

...just some probing questions. hope you won't feel offended.  some of us are going through the same thing as you are.  

[Dawning]

ch. *great* questions.  I'm not Guest but I'd like to answer in the order you asked. thanks,  ch, you really got me thinking.  

Yes.

Yes and could be.  I *like* to learn.  Sometimes to my own detriment.  I am learning to have confidence in what I've learned.

third question is *mighty* packed full of insight: for me, yes it is exciting.  I like the feeling of being angry and punching the N in the face and saying, *hey, I've got something say too!*

No.

No.

Yes, but not of *the* failure.  Of *a* failure....any failure.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.  Praise this board!

The difference between focusing on failure and achivements....I can focus on my failures because I know I am human and it is human to make mistakes.  I have a harder time with achievements....achievement means being able to have my fantasy come true.  And that is the work I need to do..

Thank you again for asking these questions.

[ch]

I like the feeling of being angry and punching the N in the face and saying, *hey, I've got something say too!*

Hi Dawning.
Glad you liked the questions and took the liberty to answer them.  I like what you voiced about anger.  Most children of Nparents tend to skip this phase, but i would like to remind everyone the importance of getting that anger out to ensure proper healing.  Most of us were not allowed to get angry, and feared it so much.
It is high time we express that child's anger as soon as possible before it grows into a cancer, or another personality disorder!!!  Yikes!!

I think it was terrible of Nparents to instill and project their FEAR of failure onto children.  We, as adults, now need to resolve this fear.  
I think it is ok to fail as long as you learn something.  
One time, i was so bored with my data entry job at a dead end company, that i decided to purposefully MAKE MISTAKES, so that i could call the computer expert over and watch him fix it.  I did it so many times, they must have thought i was an idiot.  How could one crash a computer from data entry!!!  

I'm not too sure about your thoughts on achievements.  Let's start a new topic on that!!

[Dawning]

About *fantasies*:  there is a thread on the board called *Imaginary Life* that touches on this.  There haven't been very many replies but it really spoke to me.

These days, I am channeling my imagination into creativity.  I aim to change my meaning of what it means to *achieve.*   I think this somehow relates to self-esteem issues as well.

[Anonymous]

I am the same guest from the first post.
Those are some good suggestions and questions... Thanks for engaging me on this one.
When I say I focus on my failures, I think I mean I can do lots of things really well in a day, but I dwell on the mistakes.  One mistake counts more than several successes.
I know logically that everyone makes mistakes, and that it is ok, but in that place beyond logic I equate mistakes and failures with being unworthy.
I do learn from mistakes, but It still really stinks to make them.  I think I focus on failure and use the bad feeling as a motivator to do better next time.  But that puts a lot of pressure on myself and it really stresses me out.

I appreciated the anger thing too.  I have a hard time allowing myself to be angry.  I think often little girls are taught that anger is unacceptable. We must be sweet to everyone all the time.  I have read somewhere that anger that doesn't get expressed is often turned inward and can become depression.  

I have thought about a few achievements, but I always attribute them to luck or something outside myself.  I think if I could focus on my achievements, I could use that as motivation to succeed.  I would go into new experiences with much more confidence.

If I focus on failure the self talk sounds like, "I'm so bad at...  I better not even try to do... "
If I focus on achievement the self talk sounds like "I am really good at... I bet I could do..."

[Dawning]

Guest.      

If I focus on failure the self talk sounds like, "I'm so bad at... I better not even try to do... "
If I focus on achievement the self talk sounds like "I am really good at... I bet I could do..."

Thank you so much for sharing this insight.  I LOVE it.  

<<<<Guest>>>>

[Anonymous]

Hi Guest

I have thought about a few achievements, but I always attribute them to luck or something outside myself.  

I had this hapening in me too  . And up until about as recently as 6 months ago. Then a poster here by the name of Wildflower (((WF))) spoke about 'The Imposter Syndrome'. It's very enlightening stuff. And I surfed the net about it and read about and it. There is alot of stuff on the net about it. It  really unravelled a whole new dimension of my thinking and beliefs and self-disbeliefs that was operating very strongly and negatively in me. It might just be worth checking out.

If I focus on achievement the self talk sounds like "I am really good at... I bet I could do..."

[/quote]
It's funny, I've had some fairly good business success at times, and whenever I would talk about it, I always attributed it to external factors, like luck, timing, good support, great staff, etc. That's how I really saw it. I never really saw it as my achievment.  And whenever talking about it, I never took the credit for anything. For some reason, I really didn't think I had anything to do with it working.

Poor self-image stuff hand in hand with hard work and diligence and accomplishment.

Now   , I've accepted and have learned to recognise and accept that it was mostly due to my good sense of timing, and my ability to to recognise an opportunity, and my ability to find good support, and my ability to pick good staff. But 'THAT' was almost totally impossible for me to see, and therefore say, even as short as 6 months ago.

If you're already aware of, and you've already been introduced to the material on the Imposter Syndrome, then, hahah as you were!  

CG

[ch]

Now   , I've accepted and have learned to recognise and accept that it was mostly due to my good sense of timing, and my ability to to recognise an opportunity, and my ability to find good support, and my ability to pick good staff. But 'THAT' was almost totally impossible for me to see, and therefore say, even as short as 6 months ago.
CG

Hi CG,
i think you still need more work to accurately assess your achievements.  I sensed you are still not fully giving credit to where it is due. You need to be fair to yourself. Stop being so modest. Where are the flattering adjectives to describe yourself?? It sounds like you are still giving credit to others.  You tried to sneak that in, but i caught it. But  at least what you have written is a big improvement and big step in the right direction over 6 months. Keep it up!!  

Oh..the topic of creativity is great.  You can't go wrong with that cause its subject to your own interpretation, right?  But again, a low self-esteem will make one see it as failure, and a healthy esteemed person will see it as achievement.  Strange that it works that way, but it does.

[Anonymous]

Hi CG,
i think you still need more work to accurately assess your achievements.  I sensed you are still not fully giving credit to where it is due. You need to be fair to yourself. Stop being so modest. Where are the flattering adjectives to describe yourself?? It sounds like you are still giving credit to others.  You tried to sneak that in, but i caught it. But  at least what you have written is a big improvement and big step in the right direction over 6 months. Keep it up!!  

hahahah Duh?    Huh  hahaha where?   Who me?  
 
hahahah Too true. Too true hahah But    it is an improvement! Let's just say, it's a creative 'work in progress'.  

 
CG