Parenting Struggle

[Gaining Strength]

My 7 years old has a terrible case of ADHD.  The hyperactivity is exhausting and frustrating but the inattentiveness probably takes the biggest toll.  And at night the combination puts me under the ground.

We were eating dinner (he still is) he got up. "Sit down"  "I have to go to the bathroom."  "OK but be sure to wash your hands." "Yes ma'am."  He goes into the bathroom - a lengthy period elapses and he returns.  "Did you wash your hands?" "No ma'am" [We spent 3 months with strep last year, belaboring the point that hand washing was one of the frontline defenses from disease. Over and over and over again.]  "Please get up and go wash your hands."  Long lapse of time.  "Come on and finish your dinner."  "Mslmosmdlp."  "Are you brushing your teeth?"  "Mmmhmm."  "I asked you to wash your hands.  You haven't finished your dinner."  "Oh yeah.  OK I'll wash my hands."


He is the only 7 year old I know who does not go to take a bath by himself.  It is taking a toll.  Why don't you make him you ask?  Because even when I sit in my bedroom with the door open and turn my attention I find the bathroom flooded with water.  It is more exhausting than you can know.  After 5 years of this wildness, I am worn out with no relief in sight.

Thanks for listening.  [No chapter of CHADD - the ADHD support group - in this town.  I really need help.  Parents of non-ADHD children have no idea how hard it is.  I know that things could be much worse.  After baseball this afternoon, I ran into a mother whose 8 year old was on deaths doorstep 6 months ago after 5 years of chemo.  He is playing baseball.  He was the sickest he has ever been last spring after his bone marrow transplant.  He mother stayed in the midwest with him for 4 months while the father cared for the other 2 children.  My struggle does not compare to that but it is my struggle.]

[ann3]

We spent 3 months with strep last year, belaboring the point that hand washing was one of the frontline defenses from disease. Over and over and over again.

SS,
Sorry to hear.  How about buying a bunch of "wet Ones" & keep one at the dining table, one in the car, etc.  This way, he doesn't have to leave the table to wash hands, he can do it at the table.  less trauma/drama?

w/love,
ann

[Izzy_*now*]

Well bless you, SS

Is this your lesson in learning patience?

I would be thanking the Lord and then telll Him I had learned it, and now would He please heal my son and give me another, easier lesson to learn!

That must be very stressful, and more than those of us, who have never gone through it, can begin to understand.

xx
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Oh Ann, if it were that easy.  Now that would certainly solve the hand washing incident but sadly that is just one of a million examples.  They are infinite.  The real problem is his utter inattentiveness - so extreme that he gets up to wash his hands and forgets and brushes his teeth instead - even in the middle of dinner.  Getting dressed in the morning, getting breakfast eaten, school work done, toys picked up, beds made, bath taken, teeth brushed am & pm and even getting him to poop = requires my attentiveness.  That would be hard if I were fully functioning and had a husband to help.  But I'm not and I don't.  It is a full blown brain disorder and sometimes I feel like he could be in one of Oliver Sacks books. Other times I feel like I'm living in The Twilight Zone.

Yes Izzy - patience indeed.  Need more for sure.
He please heal my son and give me another, easier lesson to learn!  Yes - give me another - a gentler, simpler child to raise - Oh I love him but boy - I is wo out.  The stronger I get the tireder I be. 

On a serious note - I have learned to develop important strengths and being his mother has forced me to get to the bottom of my hair trigger emotional reactions because he is also reactive and we set each other off.  I am learning to parent him in a loving way rather than a demanding way.  It is different from anything that was ever modeled to me and so I feel like I am completely winging it. I believe that will help him the most and would have done it from the beginning if I could have.  So raising him has pushed me even harder to deal with and overcome my long term childhood wounds.  Hope it's not too late for him.

[ann3]

SS,

I say this with love:  Please have your son fully, fully evaluated because I fear he may get worse as he grows up.  Think about how these traits could manifest as he gets older.  He kinda sounds like my x-bro in law.  I hope I'm wrong.

Your son is young and there may be things you can do now to nip stuff in the bud.  I know you said he's adhd, but it may be something more or different.

Sorry, SS, I know you have a lot on your plate.

love,
ann

[Gaining Strength]

Dear Ann - thanks for your concern but please remember that here on this board it is easy to read something and suddenly be caught in an experience much like the Blind Men and the Elephant.

I'm not able to give a full perspective of my son, actually my point was not so much my son as it was my own struggle and my exhaustion and my loneliness.

I appreciate your thoughts but I'm writing from a different perspective.  I assure you I have a handle on him but not necessarily on my own exhausting life. My focus here is on Parenting rather than on my child's behavior.  But thanks for your concern.

[ann3]

SS,

Wouldn't want to feel up an elephant.  Guess my point is that there's a relationship bet 'how to parent' and the nature of a particular child.  Sorry to muck up the waters.

ann

[debkor]

Hey SS,

My son is dyslexic.  I found out that many traits of ADD or ADHD or dyslexic children are similar.  I went through rounds with the school and they happened to have a very good Professional on Staff. 

I know your talking about the stress, the exhaustion and being a single parent.  I understand. I'm not a single parent but I am the Chief and Commander.  My husband is good with things but he does not really get it.  Sometimes I felt like banging my head off the wall. 

I know the hand washing thing well and the bath thing well.  What I did with mine was have him take a shower.  Make sure the curtins were closed, Know I was going to have to throw the bath rug into the washer and have him call me when he was done or tell him when he was done, then smell his hair.  He would even forget to do this. 

The hand washing, I gave up.  I just had him carry those little travel hand sanitizers in his pocket.  They have one that is ocean smell so he really liked it.  At the table, wipe your hands.  No soap, no problem, done deal.

I don't know if this will work for you but it sure helped me..from not going insane or drop dead from stress. 

With school work and school my son is an active learner...he has to move..he either sits up puts his legs under him or I arranged for them to let him use a hack sack ball.  Those soft balls that you squish.  This worked well also.  As long as he did not throw it.  He never did. 

Now he tells me he learns better chewing gum and I think this may very well be true. 

I have found that as he got older it got better.  He still has to be reminded but his concentration also has matured.

As a matter of fact I just said to him...put the dog out...15 Min's later he is sitting with the dog...did you forget to do something?  No I don't think so.   A, B, C, D...whats D...The alpabet...(lol)...ok so then what is the easiest thing you would say for the letter D...Dog...Ok so that means what...Uh, a dog...who's dog?   My dog?  And...and what.....you forgot to put the dog out,  Oh yeah...then he forgot to bring her in ..lol... 

It's is very hard SS and I'm not alone, so I hear you.   Try to find things that make it a little easier for you and him. 

And yes it is a struggle and exhausting.  Especially when your doing it alone.  If one thing don't work try another that will have the same results you need. 

I did find that as they get older they get better.  And my cousin when through the struggle with an ADHD son also.  He is 18 now and it's better.  Only problem he has left is with School and not too bad anymore.

Hang in there

Love
Deb