Mom's gone

[lighter]

One response to all, is just right, Hops.

Sounds like you're covering your bases and looking for best solutions.....

very wise.

I'm so proud of your choice to take care of business at hand, and sit with the difficult questions.

Not run around making decisions off the cuff.

Sounds like you a handle on the situation.

(((Hops)))  It'll be OK.

[seasons]

Dear Hops,

I just saw your post. Sorry for the late expression of sympathy for the loss of your mother.

I hoping for only the best for you.
 Thinking of you during this sad and injust times. How unbelievable the power they try and hold over you, even when they pass.

Even if you keep the house for now down the road doesn't mean you can't decide it is too much and sell it later, in better times, ( value wise).
It may be a blessing in disguise?

Thrilled to hear of your daughter, and the comfort and support you are giving eachother. ((Hops and Dear Daughter))

Sending love, peace and comfort your way. Keep strong dear friend. Love seasons (miss you)

[Sela]

Hops, whatever feels right will do eh?

It's a lot to deal with all at once anyway.

And as you say, if you get to control the time table, you will feel like you are not being bullied (which I have a feeling is what the trouble is......him pushing you out......your mother pushing you out.......you pushing back and saying:  "Not now, thankyou").

That's good standing up for yourself and if you can manage the place and want to stay.....nothing wrong with that.  Not at all.

Best to you Hops.

Take your vitamins.

Sela

[lostkitten]

Dear, dear Hops, This is so sad what you are going through. My heart goes out to you, I couldn’t, nor wouldn’t be to my NM what you have been to yours these last years. That makes you a much better person than I could hope to be. Kudos on top of kudos to you.

In my humble opinion I believe you are making a very wise decision in regards to the house. Simply because it’s not wise to rush into or away after such a loss in one’s life, or so I’ve read. It is suggested to wait maybe a year or so to move on. And I hope that you do move when you feel ready. I hope in time that you can wash your hands of the past and start anew, with a big free smile on your face.

Let yourself grieve however it happens for you. Remember that anger, blaming, guilt, sadness and acceptance are all parts of grief that we just seem to all have to go through.

My mother is 83 now, and both of my brothers died within the last year. That leaves me… a strange feeling as an only child. I don’t seem to be grieving for him. By him, I mean my elder brother the ‘golden child’, the co-abuser. He died unexpectedly in Feb. I still feel sadness about my younger brother who died a year ago the night before Easter. The strange nothing I feel about my older brother is what I expect I’ll feel about the NM whenever she passes on. I just don’t know. I suppose if I feel anything it’s mainly anger, maybe a bit of sorrow because they are sick, sick people. But it’s really more of a strange pity.

I’ve been off-line most of the past year so I wasn’t sure if I should reply or not. I will be praying for you and for the guidance in your decision making. I wish you peace in your heart. You are a loving person. Always remember that.

[changing]

My Dear Hoppy-

Please let me extend my condolences at the loss of your mother. Your mother was very fortunate to have you and your daughter in her life. I know that she was well taken care of , and that you sacrificed a great deal for her benefit. You have also been such a comfort and help to me, and to many others. Please know that you have the love, prayers, gratitude and support of so many at this time...

I know that you will prevail in whatever comes, that you have done what is right and deserve to be treated justly in all things ...

Love,

Changing

[mudpuppy]

Hi Hops,

Haven't been commentng lately but here I am anyway.
Not sure what to say about your mother cause I'm not sure how you really feel about her, long term. Not sure you know either.

In any event I am somewhat involved in real estate and suspect prices have, at most, another 10-15% to fall before returning to their historical trend. That of course is contingent on some sort of economic stabilisation and recovery which I believe already began around the first of the year. Hopefully that will continue.
If you're already preapproved for financing, which is no small thing these days, it seems to me you're being given a potentially very good opportunity to buy at the bottom. Even if it proves too much and you have to eventually sell, it wouldn't be any worse than giving up and being forced to sell right now at what will probably be a court expedited, and therefore less than optimal sale at what is surely very close to the worst possible time.
Do keep in mind one thing. If you do buy be prepared to wait no small time for prices to begin to resume their long term trend upward. In some areas 80% of sales are foreclosures so there is a lot of inventory voluntarily sitting on the sidelines waiting for prices to begin climbing again. When they do that inventory will come on the market and keep prices constrained. On the otherhand one other issue to consider is that less than 400,000 single family homes are being built this year. There are approxiamtely 1.2 million new households formed every year. So eventually supply and demand will equalize. If you can look long term I think you will be best served by buying it and holding on.
The sharp people are buying right now. They were the ones selling three or four years ago.
The saps or the unlucky did the opposite.
Generally it is better to be sharp.

mud

[axa]

Hi Hops,

I have not been online for such a long time.  I am relieved that your time as a care-giver for your mother has passed and hope you are able to take some time to nurture yourself.  I am so sorry to hear about your mother's will and the forthcoming decisions you will have to make to sort everything out.  I can imagine it will be such a difficult time and wish you strength in your decision making process. 

Please take good are of yourself,

Axa xxx

[Hopalong]

PR, GS, Seasons, M02, Mud, Axa, forgive me if I missed anybody...

Thank you!

I am coping okay with the legal stuff. Realizing that at the moment, my brother has lost a lot of his power to terrify me. He has initially refused my buy-out offer, but it's stupid of him to do that, and at some point he may want the money more than he wants to be difficult. We'll see. Meanwhile I'm taking one thing at a time.

I do want to stay, just don't have the energy to leap forward.

I've realized I'm mildly depressed, so am taking steps to find a new counselor for some short-term talk therapy about the transition.

I'm letting go of fantasies about a future with Gennulman, as well. He has been a extremely dear friend and wonderful support, but I just CAN'T have an unemployed alcoholic boyfriend at this age. I'm just not willing, and I'm slowly overcoming the guilt. He, and his sister, have been amazing help to me. But I don't owe them my life in return.

Duh.

I'm resting a lot and looking forward to small pleasures...like watching Marley & Me tonight.

love and thanks to all of you, whom I now don't have to fear losing any time soon, since Doc G saved the board!

xxxxxxxxooooooo,

Hops

[lighter]

You're right.

You don't owe Gennulman your life in exchange for kindness.

You're worthy

and

it's reciprocal.

There's no reason for guilt, Hops.


Maybe try St. Johns wort for the depression?

I think it's a good thing.

Keep being kind to yourself, my dear friend.


Mo2

[ann3]

Hops,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. 

After my mother died, a therapist friend of mine told me that I was going through a "complicated grief":  Feeling many mixed feelings & dealing with the realities of the aftermath which she landed me in, the 'legacy'.  Grief counseling really helped me.  Try to find a counselor who understands Nism.

I think depression comes with the territory & IMO, good to hear it's mild. 

I think you're right that your brother wants the money more than being irksome.  Hold on, take it day by day, hour by hour.

"But I don't owe them my life in return."  Wow!  that is beautiful.  It's a new chapter & a new life & we're finally free to be who we really are.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I'd be depressed too Hops! Your mom's gone - and it's still not over yet. Good on you for getting someone to talk it all through with. I think Ann's got a good point about "complicated grief". You've been dealt some extra stuff to deal with and it's a kindness to yourself to find someone to help you sort, categorize, and identify it all. Take it all one thing at a time.

Legacies (of any kind) seem to generate roller-coasters, emotionally. Even in my case - where I wasn't that close to my Dad - I've gone through extreme highs and lows several times, in the past 6 mos. And it's not over for me yet, either.

I hope that somewhere in the process of finishing all the legal and emotional stuff, that your perfect "knight in shining armor" shows up to keep you company throughout the new life you're transitioning into. You deserve it!

[seasons]

Hops,

You are doing an amazing job as you work through so much at one time. You sound so healthy and strong to verbalize and take steps on getting what you need. Appreciate what you have and no one's gratitude........... is their life in return! Glad you can see that during this time in your life. Props to you!

Hope "Marley and Me" puts a smile on your face and warms your heart.  You deserve much rest, peace and healthy mind and spirit. I know it will all fall in place for you. Your clouds with be replaced with rays of sunshine. I can feel it and can see it for you..............((hops))  love seasons

[sunblue]

Hello Hops:

So sorry for your loss and please know that my thoughts are with YOU, as you wade through the aftermath.  You have much support here...much love and respect and appreciation for the person you are.  Don't be hard on yourself.  A narcissistic parent spends a lifetime abusing their children.....it will take some time to move past it and deal with the realities.  But I think when you are finally on the other side, you will experience the sweet taste of freedom you have probably rarely felt in your life.  You can build the life you want....regardless of the four walls that surround it.  You will be able to recognize that there are people who care about you and value you.....and hopefully, you will be able to recognize once more the good that still resides in this world.

Please take very special care of yourself.....

Sunblue

[gratitude28]

Hops,
I tried to write to you here the other day but got kicked out of the page...
I am sorry for all that you are going through, especially on top of normal grief.
I really just want to send you a hug and wishes for strength to make it through until the sun starts shining again.
(((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))
Beth