Has anyone dealt with a narcicistic relationship?

[lizzib]

I have been with a man for over three years who is always right about everything, very argumentative, does not like my son and who always makes me feel like I'm the one who initiated the argument or situation.  We have been on again off again numerous times and are finally DONE.  We owned a home together and had four children between the two of us.  He's very good to his own children but always found fault with everything and I mean everything my son did.  He gets along well with my daughter.  I was to the point where I thought it was me.  After seeing a counselor who said it sounds like he has narcicistic personality disorder, I finally have a label.  I've been researching the heck out of it to the point of our arguments being verbatim on line.  Just wanted to chat with others who have been through this and get some support while getting out and over it.

Thanks!

[switzerland]

Welcome!
yep, every single one of us here have loads of experience and stories to share.  some are very similar.
you can catch up reading some earlier posts of dramatic stories here.
we are friendly and chatty.    some more than others.  you will see!  but always, we are supportive!

[linda livey]

I was on a site reading about narcistic people.  I was a happy well adjusted person who has found herself at a very desperate point...due to being married to a narcissist.  I seriously am on the verge of a nervous breakdown...I am desperately to see it is him..and not all the little things he constantly belittles me with...you are right to be very concerned about a person with this disorder...I am sorry to say it is a consolation to know others are as baffled about this behavior as I.  I truly wish you the best of luck...all I do know, is it  the most slow painful form of a cancer eating through your soul.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I've dealt with a very controlling and narcissistic relationship with my X. This may be the single most important lesson I've leaned in my life -- that this is not so uncommon. It's in our relationships that seem to be the closest, maybe that has something to do with it. People find it easier to abuse those that love them the most, and those that love them the most are by default more sensitive and close to the relationship. We feel like we are walking on eggshells around the person, it is usually the people we love the most, is it not? That we are closest to, that we can see through better than they see themselves?

And do they not all have qualities that we love about them somewhere, deep inside them? Do we not love them enough to see their pain, their lashing out in despair? Because that is what we look for, we look for the precious moments with them, we cling to that hope that things will go a little better and let nothing rock the boat cause everything we hope for is riding on nothing tipping all of our love for them to come spilling out into the vast wastland of things we have collected over the years, those moments lost in a sea of forgetfulness forever more, because we are so torn apart from them casting our love for them aside long enoigh for them to abuse us again....we the voiceless, those who feel they can do nothing but stand silently in the noise of their tempers, their misommunication, their shutting you out like you are the one who is being so cold...What a cold place it can be, to watch someone you love living in this kind of pain and sometimes not even know it themselves. How they lash out in this pain, how they hurt our feelings so easily, sometimes with just a word, or a look....that "look of disaproval or mistrust, that look that tells you that they don't know you inside at all, that look that silences us again.

But the mopst important thing to remember is that we are not alone, those of us who have been in a narcissistic relationship and who have been torn apart by it, those of us who search everywhere high and low for answers, those of us who feel despair ourselves, because someone who is supposed to love you, hurts you and they can't even see it themselves. Nor does it seem like they care to see it. We are not alone. This is more rampant than anything I can think of, because I see it so commonly. The man who lives with his wife in the apartment upstairs from me, they always fight. Usually she is crying for him to not treat her that way and he is swearing at the top of his lungs all kinds of profanity and I can feel her dying inside, they have twin babies who are going to witness and probably already do witness the feelings between their mother and father. Those babies might grow up to think that all relationships are that way, unable to control their own feelings and could end up abusers as well. So it's all around us, not just in our families, but in your neighbors families too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that you are not alone and this board is a good testimony of that. This is much more common than even I ever thought, before.

It helps to know that even as sad as it is, because there are others whom you can find to talk to about it. People like me who are interested in what a narcissist really is.

[bluerose]

I wanted to say how touching this was. I am in a marcisstic relationship (four years) and it has been exactly as you discribed. I am wondering how we get ourselves into such messes...But here iam now. Ieverything you said was so true. For me,being shut out with no comapssion and feelings is the hardest to deal with. There is no way to get inside these people. They cant let you get that close for then you would see the hollow shell of what they are. I wish i could give advie on how to get away and what to do. I can only say that we are not alone.That many are in the same situation. It doesnt make it easy or better.Just knwing though that we are not the ones crazy,helps. I tell myself that i will escape from this web that is around me. But it isnt easy. Thank you for wrtting this. It touched me at a very bad time (more fights more of being alone,with- drawl of love) Its acycle we are caught in. I pray for everyone on this board that suffers so.

Hi everyone,






I've dealt with a very controlling and narcissistic relationship with my X. This may be the single most important lesson I've leaned in my life -- that this is not so uncommon. It's in our relationships that seem to be the closest, maybe that has something to do with it. People find it easier to abuse those that love them the most, and those that love them the most are by default more sensitive and close to the relationship. We feel like we are walking on eggshells around the person, it is usually the people we love the most, is it not? That we are closest to, that we can see through better than they see themselves?

And do they not all have qualities that we love about them somewhere, deep inside them? Do we not love them enough to see their pain, their lashing out in despair? Because that is what we look for, we look for the precious moments with them, we cling to that hope that things will go a little better and let nothing rock the boat cause everything we hope for is riding on nothing tipping all of our love for them to come spilling out into the vast wastland of things we have collected over the years, those moments lost in a sea of forgetfulness forever more, because we are so torn apart from them casting our love for them aside long enoigh for them to abuse us again....we the voiceless, those who feel they can do nothing but stand silently in the noise of their tempers, their misommunication, their shutting you out like you are the one who is being so cold...What a cold place it can be, to watch someone you love living in this kind of pain and sometimes not even know it themselves. How they lash out in this pain, how they hurt our feelings so easily, sometimes with just a word, or a look....that "look of disaproval or mistrust, that look that tells you that they don't know you inside at all, that look that silences us again.

But the mopst important thing to remember is that we are not alone, those of us who have been in a narcissistic relationship and who have been torn apart by it, those of us who search everywhere high and low for answers, those of us who feel despair ourselves, because someone who is supposed to love you, hurts you and they can't even see it themselves. Nor does it seem like they care to see it. We are not alone. This is more rampant than anything I can think of, because I see it so commonly. The man who lives with his wife in the apartment upstairs from me, they always fight. Usually she is crying for him to not treat her that way and he is swearing at the top of his lungs all kinds of profanity and I can feel her dying inside, they have twin babies who are going to witness and probably already do witness the feelings between their mother and father. Those babies might grow up to think that all relationships are that way, unable to control their own feelings and could end up abusers as well. So it's all around us, not just in our families, but in your neighbors families too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that you are not alone and this board is a good testimony of that. This is much more common than even I ever thought, before.

It helps to know that even as sad as it is, because there are others whom you can find to talk to about it. People like me who are interested in what a narcissist really is.

[Anonymous]

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are not alone.....

[Surviver]

Wow! found you guys after reading an article in the December Cosmopolitan.l have spent 25 years with this man and just discovered what his problem is!! l have had real lows but hung onto the knowledge that it wasn't me that had issues.l should have cut and run years ago but was comfortable,have 3 children,now grown, and am seriously thinking of starting a new life. l can't imagine spending the rest of my life as a virtual punchbag for this man.
l am so pleased that there is a real explanation for the vicious tantrums l witness.

[Orchid]

I just found this board and want to share an important lesson in case it could help someone else.  I left my narcissist ex over 7 years ago after suffering through 21 years of marriage.  We had three children together and I could no longer bear to see the way he treated them.  I filed for divorce with full custody.  However, at the time the children were ages 17, 14 and 11.  Because my oldest was a 17 year old boy, he identified with his father and wanted to (and legally could) stay with his father.  My 14 year old son wanted to stay with his brother.  My 11 year old daughter was urged by her brothers to stay with them.  Faced with this surprising opposition, I consulted a child psychiatrist.  He said I had waited too long to leave my husband.  Children of this age identify with their father.  Younger children would probably choose to stay with their mother.  Even though I contested his appeal this in the courts, the judge gave full custody to the children's father.  My oldest son, now 24, supports his father financially and does not see that his father uses and abuses him now as he did me before.  My 19 year old daughter has been in a major depression for over five years.
Bless you and good luck.

[genie]

Just stumbled upon this board, and I certainly can relate to the relationship with N men.  (I am hoping the N stands for narcissitic, but not sure).  I am in the process of getting a divorce after 39 years with one.  I could never quite figure him out, but this group nails him down completely.  Chronic lies, never responsible for his behavior, always about me, me, me, shotting himself in the foot over and over due to always being right, and, of course, wouldn't you know I am a person who is honest and realistic to a fault.  You can imagine how well I have gone over in his life, pointing out all the inconsistencies and unrealistic thinking.  Well he is now a 63 year old failure (business went bankrupt last year due to bad business decisions) who has found a 38 year old waitress to sigh and pine for him and i am out the door.  It has been a rough winter, but know there are better days ahead.  I am enjoying reading paragraphs from others who have lived with these gems.

[Leslie]

My counselor said to separate from my h who is a narcisist and
sex addict. I am scared to hurt my kids and have to use more
ira money. He is repentant as long as he gets to talk, whenever
I voice my feelings they go unreplied. I am tired and want
out but don't know how to do it. Thanks for listening. Leslie

[Stormchild]

Hi Leslie

Try posting this on the other board, there are a lot more of us looking in on that one all the time, you will get a lot of helpful responses. I've never been married, so I won't be a lot of help but believe me, there are several people going through something very similar to you right now. Please do post over there, and best of luck to you. You're not alone.

[Moira]

Hi- I'm new to this forum- have done extensive research on narcissists esp. in conjunction with sex addiction. I've just ended a 1 yr. live in relarinship with  N. Began with a bang, very intense, " you're so different from other women, you understand me, you're my soulmate". Within several months I was labeled " crazy, delusional, psychotic, a liar, vindictive and trying to destroy me, not recognizing my hard work in therapy etc". Crazy making behaviour worthy of a 6 yr. old. constant belittling, verbal abuse, pathological lying, denial and much time spent on his part manufacturing " evidence" to support his lies ". He constantly called my shrink and left such messages- " she has to be psychotic to have kicked me out without warning, no place to go, no money". I should mention I am a nurse with 20 yrs. experience working in psychiatry and I also am bipolar. My illness was the biggest hook sucking me in. I've always had difficulty finding a man who will understand my illness, accept it and be supportive. He knew that and said he " understood and would stand by me because I have depression and it's ruined my career and all my relationships". I was vulnerable and fragile. He exploited that to obtain me as his N. supply. I fee extremely angry and guilty with myself that although I can spot a N from a million miles away professionally, I allowed myself to enter this relationship- I should say it never was a relationship, rather his mimicing emotions and love. I'm now in a co dependent support group and hope I will find the strength to both heal and learn to recognize abusive men so as to aviod repeating this mistake. I kicked my N. out a few weeks ago after his promising 2 months ago he would find his own place- then absolutely no effort. He is a sex addict- I am the first and only person in his life- he's 52 and this has beein ongoing since 15- to discover this. He spends countless hours on the internet with cybersex, sex chat room, belongs to at least 6 sex chat phone lines, spends my money on financing all this. He has history of hookers, escorts, strippers, teenagers and other vulnerable women. He prefers masturbation to sex with real women. There were weeks and months with no sex, no touching. His excuse was he was depressed and not interested and he was impotent due to his antidepressants. He got Viagra and used it not for our sex life, but to continue his endless masturbation. There were periods of intense sex- short lived. There were, more often than not, many nights of his being sexually sadistic- would start to make love- my term, not his- and then when I was aroused, he'd smile and say " not tonight" and roll over- even though he was aroused and had an erection. He constantly berated me on my age- had never had relationship with a woman his age as opposed to being at least 20 yrs. younger, and I was too thin- read " not 19 yr. old blonde with big tits". The last straw was when I recently discovered he'd been using my bank account to pay for his addiction. He has now discovered NA and found a new group of people to exploit. He is in a rehab centre and won't have to find his own place for a yr, they are supporting him financially. He has stopped all contact with me and I hope this is it. Do you think I have sufficently made it clear this is all over with no chance of reconciliation or will he resurface if only to attempt to continue the abuse or get something from me? ..Moira

[hojamess]

Hi, I think my husband of 30 years has very strong narcisstic tendencies because he just can't understand my feelings about so many things - it seems that every thing to him is just fact - no emotional attachment at all.  In regards to intimacy, all that mattered to him was what he wanted with no regard of my feelings, physical or emotional.  He's very insecure but doesn't really realize it.  Since we married, I've tried to be very supportive, encouraging, and patient with him for his work, even though I badly needed support to help raise the children, but his work always dominated everything because he had to look good to his peers and his neighbors.  I'm so tired of being so low on his priority list.  I  really don't know what to do.

[mudpuppy]

Hi hojamess and Moira,

I'm probably not the guy to answer your posts but I ould encourage you to post on the main board here.
This one is pretty inactive. You'll get a lot more help on the other one.

mudpup

[Debbie]

I have been with this man for six years, off and on, if I don't do as he says he will kick me out of the home, in his mind he owns everything including me. In swears like a mad man, calling me every flith known to man, he smashes and breaks my belongings. He is always right, I have tried and tried to reason with him but nothing I say or do is right. He will kick me out with no where to go and no money, I am to serve him 100%, he continually wants me to tell him how wonderful he is but in actuality he is a selfish, self centred, manipulating, controlling PIG. He always threatens me with other woman, he is seductive and very charming, his life revolves around his possessions and wants more and more possessions all the time. Everything is huge, the biggest the best, he can't afford a fraction of what he has but keeps borrowing more money, he lives in a Grandiose world not really wanting anything that he wants but insists that family, neighbors, firends all see how successful he is. He will have sex with anyone that is even remotely attractive and will tell me that it is nothing, that it is equanliant to Masturbating, he says he is faithful and devoted, yet can just crawl out of bed with a whore. In his mind the whole world evolves around him. He controls all the money, our home and everything in it belongs to him. He is very suspicious and jealous of whom I may talk to who. When raging he will grab me throw me on the floor, pull my hair, spit on me and when he throws me out of the house, when I try to make a small bag he beocmes even more enraged. In the past six years he has thrown me out of the house over a hundred times, changes locks on the doors, belittles and wants me totally dependent on him. He has told me that he is the King, and we live in his Kingdom, the reason I get thrown out is because I am not a Loyal servant. I am his 4th Wife, in each marriage, he has been with multiple partners while all wives have been faithful and devoted. When there is no one else around, he cries, actually cries, gets on his knees and begs me not to leave him, promises change and promises to get help, he never follows through with anything. He takes Holidays by himself and leaves me at home as I would only wreck his holiday.
As horrible as this man is, he can be wonderful and gentle but only for a short time. He beleives that all his ex's are in Love with him and that woman would be lined up at the driveway to be with him. He dresses like a Cowboy that's the new image as woman love Cowboys and really plays that role. He can go from a very together man to a 6 year old child throwing a tantrum. In our marriage he had me sign papers signing over all our property to him and signing away my dower rights.
I have left him once again, I left with some old furniture as he owns all, he is Arizona right now with the Huge brand new 5th wheel  camper that we bought for holidaying, he is on another Whore Tour, he has his Mother sitting in our home house guarding while he is on his month's vacation. He tries to convince people that I am crazy and that I am possessed by Satan, only he could have put up with me for so long, no one else would have been able to acheive what he has. He treats my kids like they are nothing. I was not even in his Will, yet in his mind, he has given me everything. It is extremely hard to break free from the control and the bondage that this person has over me. My heart is broken, I have cried a million tears, he has no empathy or conscience. Whatever enters his mind, he feels righteous in acting upon it, and each and everytime I am blamed for making him do it. He also is a drinker, but the alcohol is not the cause it only makes it that much easier for his pants to slide off and the abuse can be maybe a little more critical.
As nice as this man can be he is not a nice person. Everything that is important to me he has poisoned nothing is sacred to him.
I am so hurt and in so much pain, I really do miss the nice guy because there really is a nice guy, I am terrified of the other guy, there have been times when I have gotten out in the middle of the night in barefeet and a nightgown so frightened, and we live out on a farm in the country.
He wanted sex all the time but as soon as he was done screwing me, he could actually throw me on the floor like an unwanted whore.
Like I said, I am no longer with him, but the hurt is huge, the whole in my heart and the grieving is a slow process.
It makes it even more difficult when he parades around like a tramp.
He will follow me in my vehicle, phone and leave stupid messages, I don't talk to him.
Is he done with me yet???? Or he is only done until the next woman leaves him or until that blows up in his face??? He still has contact to some degree with all his other wives because he thinks that at any time they would toss out their husbands to be with him.
I am involved with a Narcissist, don't ever get involved with one!!!!!!
I knew all this before I married him - All - and married him anyway, he convinced me to and yet I did it anyway. I am not a kid, I am 51 years old and still did this, BEWARE  of the narcissist, they are unlike anyone I have ever encountered.