UGH!!! Just typed a lot then deleted it.
Hi, I'm English. I just discovered M was NM three weeks ago. She fits DSM on all traits. My F is probably schizoid PD so will call him SPDF. That's what I thought 15 years ago, but have been NC with hiim that entire time, so I don't remember very well. I'm gonna go on what I thought then.
I'm still at the accepting stage. I know NM is N. What I'm stuck on is accepting that she doesn't love me. It's weird when I think of "a mother", I believe I love her. But when I picture her in my mind, I do not feel love. I feel fear, anxiety, I don't want to be near her. It's like I have two minds. The child wants to be loved by her and love her. I guess I'm afraid of finding out emotionally that she doesn't love me. A daughter shouldn't want to avoid her mother. A mother shouldn't shame and humiliate her daughter. How do I get to accepting that she doesn't love me? I just can't seem to let it go. What am I afraid of? I'm stuck. How do I get unstuck? It's like if I accept she doesn't love me, I will disintegrate into little tiny pieces.
Random memories:
She let SPDF feel my breasts to see if I needed a bra.
She dismissed SPDF’s touching me in bed by saying he wouldn’t remember it because he would have an alcoholic blackout. She made us listen to a tape of them having sex.
They might have had sex in the water bed in the living room while we were in the bed with them?
They used wire to tie Charlie’s (the dog) legs together so they could cut his fur. When he wouldn’t hold still, thy hit his head with a hammer to get him to stop moving. I ran upstairs screaming, “You killed him!!!” Happily Charlie didn’t die.
They raked our toys together when we were in mid-childhood and threw them away.
As a pre-teen, they threw out all my toys when NM hired a service to clean house. The cleaners threw out all toys which I had put in bags in my closet. This included a treasured secret box from Nonnie.
Re: wedding
I knew nothing about weddings. After the ceremony, during the reception, we sat there and opened wedding gifts (which now I know is a big no-no) She wanted to be sure everyone knew she gave us a microwave oven.
She never tried to help me be a girl or teenager.
They wouldn’t buy me clothes after I stopped growing. They agreed to give me $10/month to buy clothes. They would not give me an allowance or allow me to work.
We had to hide in the closet to avoid SD. NM didn’t protect us. We had to hide with Charlie.
I got in trouble while babysitting at the age of about 8. The kids I was babysitting got shampoo on the sleeping bags. I got in trouble.
I had two other babysitting jobs when I was 12 and in my mid-teens. That’s it.
She never cared about my appearance or clothes, make-up, cutting and styling hair, acne.
She embarrasses me now by saying: “You didn’t date in high school.” “You didn’t have any boyfriends in high school” “You didn’t go to your prom.” She says this in front of me to other people.
She says I’m a perfectionist. I tell her I’m not and she tells me I’m wrong.
I just had this weird feeling, that that little girl is ME!!! I am that little girl. I am that teenager. Those memories really happened to me. I am angry. She hasn’t changed. She would deny or explain away the above things if I mentioned them to her. They didn’t happen. But they did and to ME.
I can't figure out if I'm GC or not. She loves my accomplishments and my attention. She'll brag on me to show how great she is. Regardless, my relationship with her is about to change. Worse for her. Eventually better for me.
