What it feels like when your ego is dying...

[Gabben]

You know how in prison they put people into solitary confinement? Or as in the movie Shawshank Redemption a little black hole? From an outsiders perspective, or at least to me, I could not fully empathize (as if to walk in someones shoes) why solitude or the stripping away of all of this world, life, light, the faces, our hopes, goals, dreams, normalcy so on and so forth would be a form of punishment, or better, correction.

I feel as though I have found the dark solitude chamber of punishment buried deep within my heart but I am not without love and faces or hopes and dreams. I just feel that they, my desires and intentions for wordily anything is no longer an option, whether I want to try to grasp for N supply, I can't. It feels as if it is all being stripped out of me. It hurts.

My ego feels like this pulsating throbbing blob of flesh wanting to fight yet it keeps getting beaten with the light of truth but it does not want to die; it seems that in my egos final struggles to remain alive, to be any sort of driving force in my life it, my ego, has to attack harder, yell louder and or just violently charge out against the world to get what it wants, N supply...love, meaning, purpose.

The more that I violently push out against the world to get what my hungry ego wants the more I have to capitulate ALL of my self, my desires and needs to the cross, in other words my ego is defeating itself, it is as if my ego in all its defenses is killing itself by acting out and taking away all from myself. My ego is stripping me of the world because the world is all still there for me to grasp, if I want, but I do not want it, deep within there is something else I want that is not of this world, that desire seems to be actually driving me more than my ego...Or it is a combination of both the world, my ego and my desire for God, the one true substance and one true fulfillment, that are all in battle.

When your ego is on its last legs, it is a bloody, brutal and messy battle....like Christ's Crucifixion, bloody, messy, atrocious, ugly...people could not bare to watch, they had to turn away.

BTW: When you walk into a church looking up or ahead to see a cross hanging, with or without Christ's body on it, you are looking at what Christ's death on the cross symbolizes, the death of our ego, the pathway to God.

[sKePTiKal]

awwww..... ((((((((((Lise))))))))))

of course it hurts! I'm so sorry, hon...

But can I ask some rhetorical questions? If God gave us our egos, do you really think she expects us to kill it, in order to experience God's love? Restrain it, train it to follow the heart's commands, to be empathetic and think of others -- yes. But get rid of it? I can't bring myself to believe that - and I have tried to learn about traditions where this is the "order of the day".

I've tried to do this myself... and the results weren't too satisfactory or enlightening. Without an ego, there are no self-survival mechanisms... no reason to be kind to oneself; to eat, to bathe; to care about oneself; to feel that one matters - at least to oneself. No thought worth thinking; no feeling to experience; no reason to "be". That sounds like the "black hole", to me.

Why would god make people with egos if egos weren't necessary or useful? Sure, Ns are the perfect example of "too much of a good thing", in the area of ego. Ego run amok and causing all kinds of damage. But just because Ns don't get it right, doesn't make "ego" something to overcome and defeat and destroy. I think the spiritual concept of "killing the ego" really refers to putting ego into the proper context of ourselves. Instead of being the "master"... it is really the "servant". When ego acts in this role - then it's assisting the heart in achieving it's desires (the heart is much wiser about these things; these wants) and it's pretty good at that. It makes a lousy, mean, "master" though - and seeks all kinds of things that aren't good for us and make us miserable.

What else is going with you, dear? Is there any sunshine getting through, today?

[Hopalong]

Lise, this article was the answer for me to the question you're living through:

http://www.uuworld.org/2002/02/feature1a.html

love,

Hops

[Gabben]

I think the spiritual concept of "killing the ego" really refers to putting ego into the proper context of ourselves. Instead of being the "master"... it is really the "servant". When ego acts in this role - then it's assisting the heart in achieving it's desires (the heart is much wiser about these things; these wants) and it's pretty good at that. It makes a lousy, mean, "master" though - and seeks all kinds of things that aren't good for us and make us miserable.

What else is going with you, dear? Is there any sunshine getting through, today?

Hi Hops! Thanks.

Just woke up need to get more awake, drink coffee, etc.

For the what you wrote above is what I mean when I refer to death of ego. I'll write more later..i need to reflect.

The pain is a blackness...as well as what feels like a stabbing in my  chest at the limitations that feel imposed on my life, it feels oppressive but I can see through the dark oppression, at least for a moment, to see that ideas that I hold onto and even allow myself to be fed by are being stripped away, detachment, a letting go of stuff that was and has been deep in my heart ever since I popped out of the womb.

[Gabben]

It is a personalized version of the Dark Night of the Soul. Which, after reading much about,  I have decided that the dark night experience, the mastering of the ego as you say, or putting to death of our desires, is fitted or suited to the individual. In my case the death of self is relatively violent because my childhood was so violent. I was never really fed love as a child, I was denied as a child, I caved in on self. My ego defenses are sharp edged, rough.

When you have to let go of something that you never really got it is a double pain of grief and sordid despair... of letting go of what I never got.

Along with the grace that pours in or the light that is there to feed me in a way that I cannot comprehend is also all of my ego still battling, still raging like a little baby in a crib trying to master a world and feeling defeated but instead of being capable as a child of admitting defeat or as we say in AA, surrender to the winning side, I still take the next human instinctive drive which is to act out revenge, unconsciously, in my attempt to master the pain. It is, once again, Victim Anger...still playing out the drama of if I can't get you then I will get myself. Still reaching for or aching for mommy and still reaching and aching for redemption from the prison of shame.

The good news is that this recent regression is taking me back but in recent weeks past I saw tremendous progress within myself at all the work I had done, I felt moments of joyful peace like I have not experienced in a long time or ever as well as I felt close to God in ways that were so nourishing that I came to realize just how fulfilling God is, at least on another level.

There is that saying in religion that you cannot serve to masters. My master ego is still trying to run the show while my ever growing desire for peace in God is also reaching to surrender all to God so that He can run it, for He has run my life for me in the past, beautifully, I have trust in Him. I am just in another dark tunnel of regressed pain, needs to come up and out so that I can attach myself or cling deeper to God.

[Gabben]

My ego likes to hide. My ego still tells me that it is not there, no longer a factor of survival - that is a lie. It is in these times that my warped master ego decides that it is time to take the harness of life and run with it. My master ego become dictator supreme, telling the world, God and everyone else exactly how they are supposed to act and behave to suit my desires, or my egos desires. It is like the mini me version of my mom acting out to try to get the world to conform to my expectations.

In the last two years I have faced trial after trial of rejection, abandonment, loss, victimization. Sometimes I have handled it all well, very well. The handling of it well was looking to see where I was at fault through my own repressed emotions that came up allowing that pain to just bleed out, giving up the spirit of aggression, my faith back them was strong. I rarely acted out except a few times, but those few times have cost me. The regret I have felt for acting out in an angry bitter hostile stance still pushes me deep into regret and loss. I sometimes feel as if I should just throw myself away, I cannot be trusted; I have had to face the ugliest parts of self as well as others got to see that ugliness, an ugliness that I never in a million years wanted to see or have so exposed.

It is like a good person who makes one bad mistake that costs a lifetime. Example someone gets behind a wheel to drive after having been drinking, they are not even a real alcoholic or really even a problem drinker. They are a good person, a responsible person but in their intoxicated state, and whatever other factors may be going on for them, they make one fatal judgement error...they drive while under the influence and just happen to take another's life. It is that one moment of of poor judgement that can change our lives and someone else's life, forever.

The one good news of it all of my agony is that it always takes me back to God, trusting in His divine providence to right my wrongs and to continue to heal me. Knowing that He has my best interest for a joyful free life in mind, just not what I think or have in mind....God's ways are not mine.


These days my trials seem endless, as if the trials will be there forever, that agony is just too much to bare, alone, sometimes. I feel a despair at ever having the trials of rejection and loss stop. I want to run so that all will just stop, my body and mind feel worn down and defeated spiritually, as if I have no reservoir of faith left or desire to keep pushing on, I have failed, why fight, I tell myself.

ugh...this too shall pass.

[Gabben]

What I have overcome and gratitude:

In trying to pull myself out of my dark funk, again. I have to remind myself of what I have already survived and healed:

Abandonment as a child at the age of 4 to 5 by both parents.
A mentally ill mother who abused me psychically, mentally and emotionally.
Being taken out of my home at 15 by the courts.
Being kidnapped and raped at the age of 11.
Two abortions
addiction
personality disorder
anxiety disorder
more....

I'm grateful that God had brought me this far....I have to hang onto the idea that He, God did not bring me this far, through my pain and trauma of life to just leave me hanging.

[sKePTiKal]

oh Lise... sweet one... who cares so much for others... I hear you.

Thank you for explaining more. I understand better because of your explanation. You are so close...

What you give to others, you must learn to give to yourself.
That being: Empathy. Understanding. Forgiveness.... for being human... for being a very young human in need... helpless and untutored... you did the best you could to survive, under the circumstances. It's really, really OK you know? All the yucky bad habits  can be changed. Granted that's a slow and torturous process - but still it's not as difficult as what you've already survived.

None of it is your "fault"... and your only "responsibility" at this point in time... is to care for and about yourself, as God wants you to. To go forward from THIS point in time - the past is what it was - and to be conscious about your decisions and direct the focus of your attention now... again, doing the best you can - because God sees; he/she knows what's in your heart; you are already forgiven if you stumble or fumble... so all you need to do is be open to this.

Hear it with your feelings. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting - it just means that it's not the center of your (or ego's) attention any more.

(((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))

[teartracks]

Dear ((((((((Lise)))))))),

During my 7 years of hell, I tried to find a name for what I was experiencing that  fit inside the context of my Christian faith.   I never did at the time.  Reading backwards, I am able to see and experience positively the effect those years had on my faith and on who I am.   No doubt about it, my ego was flogged severely and as it was all happening, the last thing on my mind was assigning Godly value to any of it for I didn't have a clue what was happening to me.   It was as if 'life' snuck up behind me cut me off at the knees.  Corrie ten Boom and others   chose to walk into suffering  for Christ on behalf of others.  I was no volunteer!  Now I am acquainted with suffering (not comparing myself to Corrie) and if called to suffer for Christ, I might be better prepared.

Maranatha!

tt




 

    

[Gabben]

oh Lise... sweet one... who cares so much for others... I hear you.

Thank you for explaining more. I understand better because of your explanation. You are so close...

What you give to others, you must learn to give to yourself.
That being: Empathy. Understanding. Forgiveness.... for being human... for being a very young human in need... helpless and untutored... you did the best you could to survive, under the circumstances. It's really, really OK you know? All the yucky bad habits  can be changed. Granted that's a slow and torturous process - but still it's not as difficult as what you've already survived.

None of it is your "fault"... and your only "responsibility" at this point in time... is to care for and about yourself, as God wants you to. To go forward from THIS point in time - the past is what it was - and to be conscious about your decisions and direct the focus of your attention now... again, doing the best you can - because God sees; he/she knows what's in your heart; you are already forgiven if you stumble or fumble... so all you need to do is be open to this.

Hear it with your feelings. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting - it just means that it's not the center of your (or ego's) attention any more.

(((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))

Thanks for all that you wrote Amber, it helped a lot, just what I needed today in terms of validation and empowerment, thanks.

[Gabben]

  I was no volunteer!  

That is my daily mantra for the suffering I am in...."I'm no voluntee!r" Knowing full well the lives of my Catholic saints and others who would give anything for a little suffering if it could aleviate just one soul. The problems for me is that the suffering is not allowing me to alieviate souls but rather taking me away from my hearts desire to give, serve and love. I feel trapped in the dark tunnel of my mind and the lack of trust I have have for those who allowed and have given me this cross, a cross when at times I am recollected enough I can offer up in joy, just not today or at this time. I feel weak and confused, angry at God and angry at the losses of my life.

This too shall pass but this pain feels so humiliating...I feel as if I will never find a way out of constant humiliation.

I am always grateful towards this board for when I am having melt downs, like now, I can turn here for a little compassion and it helps so much, it gets me through like a little push that gives me just a bit a strength to get through one more day, until the sun comes out again.

THANKS ALL.

[Ami]

Just wanted to send you a hug ((((((Lise)))).                     xxxxoooo    Ami

[Gabben]

On more reflection of the mastering of my ego:

I went to my parish this evening to hear a talk by a Catholic professor, theologian and priest...here is a video of him:

http://www.wordonfire.org/WOF-TV/Commentaries.aspx#ytPil_video

Anyway...this particular priest, after watching his dvd on the three paths to holiness (something like that) has helped me greatly in the past to convert deeper into the Catholic faith, giving the faith a new perspective that I was able to actually apply and begin to live my faith much more deeply.

Much of what he said tonight further confirmed my already set in play truth about how to keep growing spiritually towards peace and fulfillment. The detaching of worldly desire for money (for me that translates to security), pleasure ( smoking), power (not really an issue for me because I love to love over power), and then my primary God of choice which is honor, or for me love...to be regarded, to be esteemed, to be cared about...the N supply that at times drives me, reaching, grasping, seeking (dancing)....all which in my eventual hunger and dissatisfaction led me back to a my truth in seeking out God, the true fulfilment, lasting and ever increasing One.

But for me the spiritual walk is about overcoming what most have not had to suffer. I see people at my parish, good, loving, devoted and healthy people, not living in major disorder...I can sense their spirituality and it makes me happy but I also feel and wonder what would that good person do if they were in my shoes or had walked in my shoes of suffering. I think, have they been sifted to perfection, yet?

Oh well...only God can know my heart and the violence that I suffered through as well as the manifestations of that violence that has shown up later in my life (when I speak of violence I mean just anger, bitterness and addiction in me at not getting love as a child and the woundedness of that unfulfilled desire that is and needs to continue to die, if I am to have any real peace).

Thanks again for your compassion and listening.

This wound of stubborn loss at never getting the love I so desired, or recognition, is at times excruciating, I forget that in dying to self I am set free. Free from my own ego driven desires that make me a slave to emptiness and regret, nothing more nothing less, just pure emptiness and regret.

Another cross of affliction, I'm so very tired of these crosses but tt reminded me of something when she wrote about her (7) year trial, my trial has only been for the last two years, I have been fighting it, wanting it to stop, but I am beginning to surrender to the idea that my trials will go on much longer, my trials of rejection, deception and mistreatment. Oh, if I could just detach from good feelings.

[Portia]

Lise
I've found my head hurting reading this thread (literally a tension headache), because,I guess, I had such mixed feelings/thoughts about the words here.
Then I watched your WOF link and ***loved it!*** Fantastic. Thank you thank you.
I have a new motto from it: "Who cares" damages the soul.
Yes we're hard-wired for Ultimate Truth. That in itself is Truth yes?