a thought for my friends here on the site

[Ales2]

When I am reading these posts, there are many of you ---  Bones, Ami, HopaLong, TwoApenny, Sealnyx and others (please forgive me if I am leaving you out - not intentional) I feel very much like you are the girls I needed to know as a lonely teen when I was all alone in my room. Someone to understand my NMs cruelty and her controlling ways and encourage me to stand up to her. Its like I can almost see all of us, on a old fashioned pink phone, in Lanz pajamas and curlers, planning our escape, our refuge, our lives.  Acknowledging that we matter, have a right to exist and have a happy life.

Its kind of comical to me, its seems completely foreign to my experience. My NM used to control who I was friends with - she sent me to catholic school and sheltered me from girls who "ran around with boys" and "mouthed off" to their mothers. Years later, I learn these girls are the happy, well adjusted ones....
 

[Ami]

I would be proud to have you for a friend(((((Ales)))))))  !                           Ami

[gratitude28]

Ales, I never had friends much either. My NM hated the pretty ones... and hated having anyone come to our house, anyways. Our house was filthy and once I realized this, I was embarrassed to have friends. I spent a lot of time in my room - I think I diassociated a lot... I felt like I lived inside my head. I try to give my kids the peaceful childhood I did not have.
xo Beth

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ales)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[cgm1028]

I know my NM hated the fact that I had friends and made me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with them.  It was a constant struggle with her to have any life outside my house.  She told me them that they weren't good enough for me.  I mean really!  What on earth should an 8 year old playmate have accomplished!?!?!  But now I see it was a way to isolate me and make me dependent on her.  Maybe she was afraid I would see how normal families lived and knew she's come up short.  And she didn't want to be left by herself.  She did not have many friends once they really got to know her, so she didn't want me to have any either.

NM was not a very good friend.  She had one patient soul who stuck with her for decades.  True to form NM would trash this poor woman behind her back and she was extremely jealous of any good fortune that came her friend's way.  Sadly the woman got breast cancer and NM kind of alluded to the fact that this poor lady deserved it because she got to vacation often and NM could not.  As she lay dying in the hospital NM did not visit her at all.  NM said it was too hard and she couldn't handle it.  Can you believe it?  Yes, I'm sure you can.

[Ales2]

thanks for the support and stories. its also ironic that my Nm would frequently pass judgment on people she deemed not good enough, but with those friends she liked, i was not good enough by comparison.  if you ask her this she'll deny it... but its true (shes made clear statements) and its the invalidation that still rips me apart me in places.  thanks to all of you....

[Sealynx]

Ales,
I hung out with a crew of oddball types in high school. Most had major issues like alcoholic parents or adulterous parents. I never really knew why we fit together so well because my family didn't do those things. Now I realize what we had in common. It would have been nice to have you and our other children of N friends around to compare notes with back then.
Hugs,
S

[Redhead Erin]

I never fit in anywhere in high school.  I had a few good friends.  One was a girl whose father was an alcoholic and whose mother told her all the time how by being born, my friend had messed up her life.   One was a boy who had been molested by a priest.  One was my then-boyfriend, son of an N.  One was my first husband, also son of an N. All these people were loners, so I never hung out in groups with any of them.  My best friend from back then (now my husband) was perpetual target of bullies and a pseudo-burnout.  I ran with him and his friends or our friends from work (all boys) most of the time.   

I would have given anything to have a bunch of cool, nice, supportive friends like we have here.  Lets have a pajama party! 

[Ami]

I had a group of friends in junior high. That was my last group of girlfriends and I loved it. I had so much fun doing "girlfriend' things like going to the mall, sleepovers, parties, horseback riding,skating.
 I remember feeling whole and centered for a brief time, then.
 That is what I am trying to get back to. Sometimes, I have hope.Sometimes, I don't.                             xxooo   Ami

[English]

Ales, I never had friends much either. My NM hated the pretty ones... and hated having anyone come to our house, anyways. Our house was filthy and once I realized this, I was embarrassed to have friends. I spent a lot of time in my room - I think I diassociated a lot... I felt like I lived inside my head. I try to give my kids the peaceful childhood I did not have.
xo Beth

Beth, I could have written this.  That is exactly how my childhood/teenagehood was like.  I don't remember EVER having friends over to the house.  I do remember as a teenager wondering why I didn't have any friends.  I wondered why no one ever invited me to their houses, why no one ever called me, why I never went with friends and did girly things, why I didn't have any dates.  I've had very few friends in my life.  I'm just now learning how to make friends.  Other than my husband I have 1 nonwork friend.  This is just recent, so I'm slowly opening up to her.  It's so hard to trust.  But after telling her a few very personal things, she still wants to spend time with me.  So I'm going to carefully cultivate this relationship. 

Jane

[rugrats5]

Ales, I never had friends much either. My NM hated the pretty ones... and hated having anyone come to our house, anyways. Our house was filthy and once I realized this, I was embarrassed to have friends. I spent a lot of time in my room - I think I diassociated a lot... I felt like I lived inside my head. I try to give my kids the peaceful childhood I did not have.
xo Beth

Beth,
        I oo can relate to you especially. My NM kept a diry house and we werent allowed to clean it, if we tried to clean she freaked out on us and we got into trouble. When we were allowed to clean something it usually wasnt clean enough to her satisifaction and we would have to reclean it until she was happy. Because of the dirty house we were not allowed to have friends in. In my whole childhood and teen years I had a total of 2 friends in and only one of them stayed the night. I didn't have "friends" because of her, I spent alot of time alone in my room as well and eventually started to drink and not come home on time and I would then be locked outside and would not be allowed in and I would cry and beg for hrs to be let in but I hated to be there that sometime it was worth the begging, but now I have learned that I used begging as a survival skill and it has affected me into my adult life but I beg in a different way.  I lost friends that I diod make because I couldnt reciprocate or they found out I lived in filth and didnt want me around or my mom was very disheveled, smelled and would make me lateeverywhere we went that know one wanted me around. I have a hard time now making friends because I don't feel I am good enough but this site as showed me people do like me for who I am because I have received support on here and not one bit of disdain. Thank you ladies for being there for me:)

[JudyK]

Ales2,

  I am THERE SISTER!!!!!       Judy

[Twoapenny]

Wow Ales (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Got it in one there!

I used to spend a lot of time at a friend's house when I was a kid.  She was one of four and their house was always full of other kids.  You could come and go as you wanted.  It was fab.  I left home at 17.

I went to another friend's for tea for the first time when I was about eight or nine.  We played in her room until tea was ready, then just as we were going to eat, her Dad got home.  He chatted about our schoolwork and asked me about my project and then when I told him I got a star for it he wanted to see it.   He went through it pointing out what he liked about it and telling me how clever I must be.  We had dinner, he took us to the park and then he took me home.  It was so different to what I got at home that it totally freaked me out and I never went round there again.

Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))I'm off to find my pyjamas and that pink telephone

[Ami]

(((((Rugrats))))))  I am so sorry you went through that. Other people can be so thoughtless when they see a house like that or a disheveled Mother like that.I am glad the Board is a warm, comfy place for you :a special place where you can be yourself and have people who understand!           xxxxoo  Ami

[Ales2]

(((TwoAPenny))); (((Judy)))) , (((AMi)))

Thanks for your support!

and especially (((((((((Rugrats))))))))

So sorry you had to go through that.  We've blogged, posted, journaled,  debated, learned, began to understand and finally came to the conclusion that Nism and verbal abuse are far more insidious than anyone realizes.  Its so difficult not to be able to get support or see how these repressed feelings of voicelessness take a toll on our inner and outer lives. You are special, unique, good enough and we are blessed to have you here.

All the best to everyone.  Alesia