does my shirt

[seasons]

have a sign on it that I cannot see, that reads "TARGET."

I was at a social extended family gathering yesterday. Ready, prepared, on guard, medium chill definitely going on.

YET..........

My older cousin was in the middle of the floor going on and on about her relationship with her siblings. She was hurt and mad as hell.

Then she walks over to me and "PINCHES" my arm.

She got a good chunk out of my arm. It hurt to the point my eyes began to instantly water.

I sat there speechless, no one said anything, she didn't say I'm sorry etc.

I got up and went to the bathroom shorty after to rub my arm. I actually pulled up my sleeve to see if it was purple.

I don't remember why she did it. Was she reenacting something and used me as a tool. I don't know.

I think when she was walking over to me, I knew she was going to do something.......never pinch and twist though.

She was in such a rage, I think I got scared and just blanked out.

I was embarrassed. Say something and look a like a baby. Or she was only kidding didn't mean to hurt you... that's what ran through my head.

I'm still in shock, stunned. How insulting as she stands their and yells how badly she is treated and turns around and does this to a guest, she was the hostess.

Hmmmm never saw this side of her.

Again, what am I doing? Do I look like hey come over and kick me, I love it or something? I feel like I am going crazy. I try, I am polite, quiet, yet share in NICE conversations.

Gosh, I'm just in shock that adults can act like this. It is not acceptable. It was suppose to be a freak-in luncheon not a family intervention.

Feel so stupid. I didn't have my car. I should of left if I could, would I of had the courage to upset the crowd? My question!              seasons

[Ales2]

Wow seasons - What she did is totally inappropriate. I'm sorry this happened to you. Has anything hurtful or insulting happened in the past that indicated to others/family present that you will be non-responsive?  Thats the only thing that I can think of that might make you a "target".  Either way, again, its totally wrong.

Have you addressed it with her? If this were me, even if I think I blew my chance by dealing with it at that time, I would call her, tell her she crossed a boundary with me and she owes me an apology. I might also want an explanation, but I would tread cautiously here because an explanation might give someone a chance to avoid the apology and an explanation alone won't resolve it (i.e its not a missed birthday or a misunderstanding).

Again, so sorry this happened. Keep us posted on developments. 

All the best to you,


 

[seasons]

What she did is totally inappropriate. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Ales, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and acknowledge that this is inappropriate. (thank you)

Has anything hurtful or insulting happened in the past that indicated to others/family present that you will be non-responsive?  Thats the only thing that I can think of that might make you a "target".  Either way, again, its totally wrong.

Great question. My N sisters definitely show a much stronger presence than myself. They may see me as the weaker out of us.
Would they speak up, "YES."
Would seasons? Probably not.
I tend to go towards the gentler people in the group. Keep away from being an audience to my N's.
This cousin I am speaking of, we aren't close. She did ask me to promise I would go to her get together when she had one. I did promise and kept it.
I don't think I'm cool enough for her compared to my siblings.
She usually ignores me, then at the end of an event says how sorry she was she didn't get a chance to talk to me.

Weird thing is in the past when I have spoken up for myself I never get it right. I always come out looking like I am the bad guy. Or just don't have the right words to express myself in the right context. Guess I get nervous and I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about.
All these insecurities I think stop me in my tracks.

Could I call her and tell her how I feel. Right now, it feels like jumping off a cliff. So expossing.
Gosh, I could do so much better for myself. Bit embarrassed admitting to being a wimp.

Just one incident can bring up so much, triggers past hurts etc.                     seasons

[Ami]

Dear (((( Seasons)))
 I am reminded of Dr G's essays on how people react differently to N families. Some people become gentle and others become bitchy("scuse my French).
 Some pull in and others rage out .
 I think the ones that pull in get bullied and the ones that rage out do the bullying.
I chose the gentler road, too. As such, I was bullied and abused by the bully types .
For me , I am trying to moderate my gentle approach.
 I do want to be a gentle person BUT I want the stick available to those who need it!.
      xxxoooo   Ami

[Sealynx]

Seasons,
I think you have one sick cousin. I have very little patience with nut cases like her. What she did was ASSUALT. You could have called the police, literally. I would call her and let her know that my arm still hurts. I would tell her I don't think what she did was funny or cute and that if she ever attacks me again, I will file charges.

I would then sit in complete silence on the phone. If she hangs up, or does anything but apologize I would feel totally fine with no further contact. Even if she apologized, I would still keep my distance. If another assault occurred, I would loudly yell loudly "that hurt get away from me" and leave immediately. You are also in your rights to report it to the police immediately.

You are right, I think she is a sick bully who is looking for targets.  She sees you as that target because you are quiet and non-assertive, but nothing says you have to remain one or respond alone.
Good luck,
S

[HeartofPilgrimage]

seasons,

I agree that even though time has passed, and you wish you would have reacted immediately, that it is a good idea to call and let this person know what you think about her appalling actions. If nothing else, get in the habit of reacting even if the reaction is delayed ... hopefully this will eventually turn into being able to take up for yourself in the moment.

I have heard a lot of people on this board, including me, remark on how they seem to be unable to react in the moment.

[Ales2]

I agree with what Sealnyx said about calling her and not accepting anything less than an aplogy and no further contact is necessary. She's taken it farther than I might have, but I agree with her thoughts and tactics as well. 

Also, I once had a boss, a bully who tried to insult me and my skills by saying I was unassertive. He was right, but I decided to turn it to my advantage because I actually thought he was overly aggressive.  I told him not to assume I was being passive, I stated I preferred to be thoughtful and diplomatic in my responses, rather than reactive. Grow into being assertive with people like your cousin, but at the same time, do it on your own time schedule both in learning new responses and in dealing with the problem.  Dont be afraid to take some time when responding verbally, collect your thoughts, choose your words carefully, seek advice if necessary, you can use that time to your advantage.   PS- When I left my last job, I made an exhaustive list of common situations I faced  and created a new set of responses for myself. I'm really glad I did this...

All the best to you and everyone here. 

[Sealynx]

Ales,
I know what I said sounds extreme, however this person is acting as if she and Seasons are still children. She is continuing a pattern of abuse that I would bet dates back to early childhood. She needs to be shaken out of the perception that, like a child, she can pinch and hurt her cousin at will. People have sued each other for less.

Whether Seasons goes through with actually calling the police, letting her cousin know that she considers the behavior assault should be a big wake up call for this woman. It says in no uncertain terms that as an adult the cousin can and will be held responsible for her actions to authority OUTSIDE of the family.

I think it is important to remember that while blood ties may mean that we will go further to help someone than we would a stranger, we do not owe them more acceptance of abuse. What would have been the response had she done this to a stranger??

[seasons]

Dear, Sealynx, Ami, Ales2, HeartofPilgrimage. Thank you so very much.


I don't think I was a person to her, at the time of her emotional rant but an OBJECT.

Why I didn't say anything at the time......... I'm so mad at myself as the disbelief wears off.

I feel empowered to speak after reading about my right to do so.

Did I have such a medium chill going on that I became unresponsive to even being pinched. Give them no attention, no reactions etc. Gosh, I took that to a new level.

Again thank you for the wisdom you have shared. I'm soaking it up. Thanks for giving me a safe place to come and regain my own power, my obligation to learn how to take care of myself.

With respect and gratitude,  warmly seasons

p.s. Hops has suggested to me in the past to take an assertive class. I'm going to check on this again and see if their is anthing available in my area.

[Ales2]

Hi Sealynx - I totally and completely agree with everything (in the first and second posts) you've said - your response is appropriate. If I sounded like I was not on your side, thats not the case. I might have seemed to take a softer approach - its only because thats what I felt at the time. You've presented some interesting points and you are  completely right I would not have let a stranger do this to me - no reason why the family tie would make assault and abuse appropriate. 

Seasons - You mention taking an assertiveness class - be empowered knowing that you absolutely have the right to speak up for yourself. My therapist said, assertiveness is probably a 80-20 issue. You may be able to learn the 80% of being assertive, but the 20% is dealing with the discomfort and the challenge to your self esteem. I was literally unable to be assertive until I learned that my Mother was an N and I was making myself a target (at work, in love, with friends) by not having the skills to deal with it.  That was the tipping point for me.  I got with the program....

And, don't be mad at yourself. Whatever you did in the situation was the very best you could do at the time. You sound like a kind, caring person who tries to do the right thing. Thats an asset to this world. You might want to do better next time, but do it because you deserve better, not because you see what you did as a sign of weakness.

All the best to you...A.

[Sealynx]

Seasons,
Like Ales, I think you need to redirect that anger to where it belongs.

I find that I can always find something to feel bad about when other people behave badly towards me. I think it is probably a common trait among children of N.

Concentrate on that permission to act that we all gave to you and not on what "you should have done". You did exactly what you needed to do. You pondered what happened, asked for support and took another step forward in your healing. You say "I feel empowered to speak after reading my right to do so".  Sometimes I need another "bite from the snake" to increase my resistance to N behaviors. That pinch may have immunized you to this kind of behavior!   Is that great or what!!!

[BonesMS]

Dear, Sealynx, Ami, Ales2, HeartofPilgrimage. Thank you so very much.


I don't think I was a person to her, at the time of her emotional rant but an OBJECT.

Why I didn't say anything at the time......... I'm so mad at myself as the disbelief wears off.

I feel empowered to speak after reading about my right to do so.

Did I have such a medium chill going on that I became unresponsive to even being pinched. Give them no attention, no reactions etc. Gosh, I took that to a new level.

Again thank you for the wisdom you have shared. I'm soaking it up. Thanks for giving me a safe place to come and regain my own power, my obligation to learn how to take care of myself.

With respect and gratitude,  warmly seasons

p.s. Hops has suggested to me in the past to take an assertive class. I'm going to check on this again and see if their is anthing available in my area.

Hi, Seasons.

If that had happened to me, I probably would have done the same thing you did...waiting before reacting.  If my cousin had pinched me like that, when I was much younger, I might have instinctively punched her in the face!  What I do now, before using my fists, I walk away, allow myself the time to breathe and calm down, then go back and confront the offender and let them know EXACTLY WHY THAT SPECIFIC BEHAVIOR WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE AND WARN THEM OF THE CONSEQUENCES IF THEY WERE ASININE ENOUGH TO DO IT AGAIN, INCLUDING FILING ASSAULT CHARGES WITH THE POLICE!!!!

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Ales and Sealynx
 I agree with you that assertiveness is  a self esteem issue.
 If you can manage to love yourself and feel  you have honor and respect for the person within, these things will come naturally.
 It takes a lot to overcome the NM messages of worthlessness,"this old thing" mentality ; bend me shake me, anyway you want to, as long as you love me ,it's all right---URGH!
  Thanks for your POV's. They are very enlightening!                                     Ami

[Sealynx]

Ales,
I liked your post. It made me think why I took such a severe stance and reminded me that families are a "culture" grow up around N people. It led to my posting a new thread called "Re-orienting" .

[seasons]

Sometimes I need another "bite from the snake" to increase my resistance to N behaviors. That pinch may have immunized you to this kind of behavior!   Is that great or what!!!

Yes, I agree. Feeling stronger and wiser as I reflect and learn more about myself.

Thank you all for a great thread. It has been immensely helpful and healing for me. 

   ox seasons