Hello Seeker,
What a large yet very important subject you have chosen. I have tried to understand mysogyny in my own family. I read with interest the fact that your father is mysogynous ( what a hard word to spell!
) Most importantly, it struck me when you mention he went to boarding school.
My brother and I went to boarding school after we started developing a personality of our own. This bothered and interfered with my N parents' agenda for us. We are two adopted boys, there was no way my N mother was going to deal with another woman in her household;in fact, she always feels/felt threatened by other women..she needs to be surrounded by men, needs to feel like the princess and porcelain doll constantly. She has always berated my father, who she blames for having us enrolled in a boarding school, where they were going to turn my brother and I "into real men 'cause your dad is too soft"! Truth is, my father was not into punishing us for every little thing we did wrong..the flip side was that my father is the real N of the family..just more passive and less inclined to rage overtly than my N mother. My N father is the kind of N who is totally self absorbed, to borrow something I read not too long ago, he is in an almost constant autistic fantasy.
My father is not a tall man, ( short man syndrome comes to mind), treats my mother like she is a hood ornament, and eversince I can remember has told her she's crazy at least ten times per day. He is not an athlete, has never been and has discouraged any athletic ability in my brother especially because he ( my brother) had tremendous athletic potential in all sports he attempted. My brother is today in his forties and is a government clerk instead of the athlete he could have been, fat and hypertensive...shame really and all because N dad wouldn't have his oldest son outshine him in anything.
As for myself, I belonged to my mother..we are two adopted boys and my dad hated me for this and still does to this day. I was conveniently not athletic, fat as a child ( now I excel in one particular sport, and have an athletic build..isn't life strange
) I won all sorts of accademic achievement awards in an effort to please him because he valued accademic performance..still he rejected me because he would absolutely not have his youngest son surpass him..and I fell for it.
So there is the scenario, grosso modo. My brother treats women and his wife exactly like my father did, and I having not identified properly and through no effort of my own, with my dad was rejected by the " male" world for years..wondering why I over-identified with my mother, wondering about my own sexuality for years ( now am happily married to a "tom-boy " girl) etc etc.
My main point is that strange things go on in all male boarding schools. They are generally unhealthy I believe because they limit contact between the sexes and encourage contact with the same sex. Sometimes, as young boys, men discover their sexuality, and maleness, experimentation with homosexuality occurs. This can lead to tremendous feelings of guilt in later life, especially if these contacts were enjoyable, or if they filled an affective void. Remember in boarding school, at a young age, children naturally miss their parents. I in particular missed the physical contact with my parents. I did not get hugs and kisses at bedtime, I was terrorised nightly by threats of physical and sexual violence. Perhaps your dad experienced the same thing, and being in the military establishment it is just something a real man absolutely cannot reveal or discuss overtly. Everything in all male environments, I have noticed goes on covertly. In my case the weird sexual acting out of which I was a victim contributed to a horrible teenage stage and on to early adulthood.
It is very difficult to establish any kind of identity when one has no voice. I do not mean to excuse your dad's behaviour but i'm sure he had a very horrible time 'growing up' himself..it sounds to me like he didn't have much of a voice either.
I remember not liking "girls" because I perceived them as being able to get away with anything by turning on the tap, by running away screaming, ..my mother did that all the time. Whenever she became hysterical the world stopped for her...and there I was being told to shut up and put up because I was a "man". I know this is a distorted view NOW, but some men live their lives never correcting this impression they have of women. I know now, that my nascent mysogyny was the result of a major wound inflicted on me by two N parents, as a result of an imposed voicelessness. It wasn't my choice..but my REACTION.
Just in case you were wondering, It is very difficult to be a man, there are so many things we are not allowed to talk about, even today. Beyond the societal stereotypes, most men are trapped within themselves..a self-imposed exile of the child in them has occurred. Add voicelessness and many times out of ten the "real men" remain trapped. Some for a lifetime.
God has blessed me with a wonderful wife with whom I expressed this child in me..I am accepted by her totally and it feels wonderful. If I didn't have her I don't know where I would be today.
Beyond this declaration of LOVE for my wife, let it be known that every man wants a partner, the other half that makes the ONE. Of this I have become convinced. My impression and experience only you realize
Don't mean to impose any of this on anyone, just relating what happened to me and how I have come to understand it.
Kind regards,
Nic
