Someone I Never Knew~~~

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi all!

I've always wanted to set all my mixed up life to paper (even if it is just a record for future generations in my bloodline) and had no Idea how to approach it but then came up with the 3rd person.

I never knew my parents, siblings, teachers, 'friends', etc. because I'm sure my 'detachment' came very early in life. I have been using the term 'dissociation' but that is more in reference to a split personality. I am someone who remembers the actions, the happenings, but not the words/conversations/ 'emotions involved' or how to handle things, and as life went on, I realize now, I never knew my 'boy/girl friends', like what to do, what to tell, or my first love, and pregnancy, and how he would turn out, & in time my daughter, and all this while I still 'never knew' my family, what they were thinking, what kind of persons they were, lived in fear, then my daughter's marriage to the N 'she never knew', then the relationship with the N I never knew, and even me, who I never really knew or understood until just a few years back, after leaving the N in 2002.

"She was born the middle of 5 children,  but I didn't observe much about her until we started school at age 5. We were the two who were always left out of...... etc." Now this could imply 'split' but would be the easiest way to write without having a mess of conversations that I quite forget, just the occurrences, 'her' observations, so I told her, the writer, about what my sister did, yada-yada....

Then I go on about scapegoating, physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, and 'her' observations about me---- with some deviations so that she was always where I was, and by the end, she finally knows me, because I am her/she is me?

I really don't like the "I, I, I, stuff! I prefer the 'her, she, her' stuff! This could also be written to appear as fiction, but I expect better if it alludes to reality...maybe the theme of stumbling and always getting up, but to stumble again, so get wiped out and roll in order not to stumble              

Thoughts are welcome! No rush! Think of your own lives, in the 3rd person, and what you would entitle your own book about yourself and those "others" who played a part in the dysfunction you realized and escaped--or not!

My now boundaries and assertiveness began --yikes I cannot remember. I just remember coming on board and expecting to leave after everyone heard my story, in order to not have to face y'all again, and here I still am, rather spotty but here, and no Ns.

Thanks
Izzy (from Isittolate--anyone remember my name change?)

EDIT:[or do I mean "someone SHE Never Knew"?????]

[CB123]

Oh, yes, Iz! I remember when you came on the board!  You have grown so much...

I like the third person idea.  I think that is very workable and it makes it easier to get it down on paper.  Sometimes I could not access my feelings about something that happened to me unless my counselor told me my story as though it had happened to my daughter.  Then I had PLENTY of feelings.  I think the third person perspective may make it easier.  That may actually be what inner child work is.

I cant think of anything negative about writing, Iz.  Go for it!

CB

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks CB

I just had that idea, and these past 11 months holed up with pain and isolation (fine with me) I could have had it nearly finished, instead of watching over 1000 movies online, to pass this time of inactivity.

This would be a more worthwhile project, and might enlighten me more than I feel I have already been in the past few years.

[Sealynx]

Brilliant writing IZZY!! You captured the emotional "experience" of being surrounded by N's. I love the third person idea....How else could we view ourselves but through the eyes of our n...as "she" rather than I.

"I never knew my parents, siblings, teachers, 'friends', etc. because I'm sure my 'detachment' came very early in life.

This is SO true.

"I have been using the term 'dissociation' but that is more in reference to a split personality. I am someone who remembers the actions, the happenings, but not the words/conversations/ 'emotions involved' or how to handle things, and as life went on, I realize now, I never knew my 'boy/girl friends', like what to do, what to tell, or my first love, and pregnancy....."

We could never know them because first we had to undo the need to see them as our N told us everyone was. It takes years to escape the narrow tunnel they create for us and allow new ways of seeing, understanding and feeling into our emotional vocabulary.
S

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Sealynx,

I have a number of writings all in the first person, and it sounds so "poor me" and whiny, yet I need a project so this came to mind.

If "somone else" is doing the writing, then that gives more credibility to the full lack of 'knowing myself' and why my life seemed 'surreal'.

Izzy

[Hopalong]

Annie Proulx, go Izzzzzzzzzzzy!

I am so happy to hear you're going to do this.

love
Hops

[Butterfly]

Wow!!!  ((Izzy))  I get it.  Sometimes I take out my old photo box and look at my fading childhood pictures--I try to remember if I knew her, who she was, what she was thinking, what her likes/dislikes were.  I try.  I talk to her.  I cry for her.  I love her.  But, I don't really know her.  I want to embrace her.  She's locked in a box.  Where is the key? 

[Izzy_*now*]

Not that good, Hops! but thank you for the comparison~`` been cogitating on descriptions of dried up farm land. Hmmmm!

Hi Butterfly,

I certainly understand about the old pictures. I have some, of all of us. I see me, drooping stockings, ankle high black boots, sober/sad appearance, with no idea what could have been going on with her at those times. In thinking back I can guess, and sometimes a memory of the little re school house with 8 grades in one room, springs forth with an insight!

I am standing off to the side, too little to play and the lady teacher was playing. She hit the ball and at second base her slip straps must have broken, making it fall to her ankles. She just kicked it away to under the trees and kept running, for a home run.

I think I felt bad for her, but also wondered why it didn't bother her, as I would have died, and that might have been the very first human reaction to what could have been an embarrassing or difficult situation, yet not even the school bully laughed. as Mrs. K took it so nonchalantly well.  I think I realized then that there were people different from those in my family. Different in some 'nice' way that I never knew and didn't know where to learn.

I've examined my life over and over and re-examined over and over to learn what I could never have learned in therapy. Once I put it all together, in silence, isolation and deep thought, I did visit a therapist for discussions, and realized I did NOT want to peel back the onion at this late date. I went NC with those who were toxic to me, and talk personally only here, basically, where I know the gang will understand or relate in some way.

You will find the key. I know it!

Izzy

[Ami]

Can't wait to hear it !                         Ami